Weird Author Update, or That Awkward 'What's Wrong with Ice Star?' Blog · 1:52am May 2nd, 2019
- For those wondering why I've titled the blog so oddly, this is more of an update about me than my writing. It also contains mental health mentions and descriptions of disorders, so if that bothers you, please don't read this. If you don't mind reading what might border on a bit of a vent post, feel free to read more below the picture of Sombra being glum.
- For those still wondering about my writing: yes, there's more progress being made on Enemy of Mine. It's all still happening. In between all the other stuff. But seriously, I'm managing to write. Not as fast as I'd like, but then again, I don't think I can ever write as fast as I like, y'know? Or as much as I'd like. I dunno.
Just how comfortable I am talking about myself in this blog has always been something I've dodged. A lot. Aside from some probably-more-than-eyebrow-raising-behavior a few times, I've never said too much about myself on a more personal level. In a way, there's never been much of a reason to. I'm not like most authors in that regard, who really like to (or at least are more open about) more personal life events (family! moving! significant others! etc!) but also mental health. I've never really touched on mine, except maybe once or twice, and never directly.
(This might end up being those 'I might delete it later' types of blogs, even though I've never really done those.)
The most explicit things I've ever really done with that are referencing that I've experienced depression and related episodes from it and that, because I am transgender, I suffer from gender dysphoria (and that as a result of being pre-hormones, I look like a fifteen year old boy. Yay, me, I guess). Maybe someone reading my blogs kind of thought of the question, though. Or one like it - the 'what's wrong with Ice Star?' question. They might've thought of it like that, even by accident, and that's okay. I mean, it's still the kind of thing that makes me uncomfortable, but alright.
Even though some illnesses - namely depression and anxiety - have become a lot less stigmatized and people are more open about them, there's a lot that aren't. There's also the lovely (read: actual fucking idiots) little community that has a habit of skipping across the Tumblr (because if you can guess where this is going, you're thinking of course there) and Twitter border. Yes, they're other places. Of course there are. These are just where it's most obvious. And what is 'it'? Well, squished among everything else on those platforms is (are?) the self-diagnosis people. I phrase that awkwardly because I'm hesitant to call them a community. They're not as vaguely academic as they sound; instead, they're the Kinds of People that feel mental illnesses are personality traits or Whole Damn Personalities, in an eerie parallel to how many historical peoples discriminated, defined, or Actually Fucking Tortured others based on a mental illness. (Usually a minor one too, like thinking epileptics are possessed by demons. It's Weird. Capital 'W' and Very Awkward Weird.) These people also have the charming (read: I don't think I need to explain this one) habit of attributing severe mental illnesses to themselves with little to know understanding of the illness, or why a person who suspects they might have major hallucinations and life altering delusions (as an example) would not be able to recognize that kind of an illness in themselves or be able to prescribe any kind of treatment.
It's a whole caboodle of folks who like to put these kinds of things in social media bios for show and deeply enjoy pretending to have mental illnesses and pretend to suffer from them. It's a whole other topic that I'd really suggest looking up if you don't mind the parallels (and in some cases, curious overlaps) with true-crime type topics, but are really eager to lose faith in humanity by witnessing the anti-vaxxers of mental health.
So for every person who makes a wonderful effort to speak about something like anxiety and connect to those who are chronic sufferers from it or have periodic and awful experiences, there's someone who makes it that much harder for people with conditions to speak out or try and advocate for awareness about something because they decided to pretend to have schizophrenia. This feeds an ugly fire right back into everything, and is such a major part of why I will basically never disclose anything on the subject of my mental health beyond the basics to Pretty Much Everyone.
I'm not going to admit to being reluctant to talk about depression, anxiety, or something that is generally more commonly mentioned in these kinds of blogs. Why? Because as I mentioned earlier, while I've been depressed, I don't have depression. At least, not in the sense of Depression Lite or Chemical Depression. I have it as a symptom, and of the 'one of the less-tolerated' illnesses I mentioned earlier. It's not anything that can be described as rare to go with that sense of less-tolerated, but it has a history of being considered scary
I have bipolar disorder, and have for far too fucking long. (Anyone who wants mine is seriously welcome to have it.) I was diagnosed with it at an abnormally early age*, and to put it mildly, it fucking sucks. I wasn't informed I had it until I was a teenager. I never like to talk about. I try to never talk about it. When most people think of it, I've learned they tend to think of the older idea of maniac depression, or of some famous figure that can a) be reconciled with the image/feeling of the illness (Edgar Allan Poe seems to be a common choice) or b) someone also famous who was diagnosed with the disorder (Kurt Cobain).
I guess people really loved comparing a younger (again, I mean a child here) me to a man who shot himself when he was twenty-seven. Or, uh, a host of other artists that were known for turbulent lives and dying under forty.
(*For the record, most people are diagnosed in their late teens and adulthood. Someone fucking slapped that on me when I was, like, 8-10 years old and a fuck ton of pills to go with it. Pills that I still have to take. Ugh.)
So, behind the screen of Ice Star is one bipolar guy. It's not something I've ever been able to take super easily, even if I've gotten used to it. I'm bothered by it. I'm impacted by it. All the usual things, I guess. It's the Forefront of the whole 'What's Wrong With Ice Star?' questions that exist somewhere. It's why I sometimes do things the way I do, and probably surely why I have so many creative products produced with insomnia driving them. I wish there was less wrong with me, because forefront means there's more. I'd like to keep it to this, really.
This has stuck around my head a lot lately, because I'm very recently diagnosed with something else. Bipolar is what I have to face having an ungodly amount of pills for for the rest of my life. Gender dysphoria is what I have to keep at bay with hormones I will need to take for the rest of my life. And now, I was recently handed the "You have adult ADHD, Ice Star." package. It means more pills.
It also means a lot of mixed feelings.
Maybe I shouldn't have them. I'm the not so fortunate product of a family where one half of the orchard runs with these kind of conditions. I didn't get bipolar disorder from nowhere. There's people with ADHD in my family too, one's that had it diagnosed early. I learned that it makes a difference when it's diagnosed, something I hadn't considered before, but can impact a lot of how the illness can shape itself. I'm not hyperactive. Not at all. I'm pretty much the opposite because I can focus on things for hours, like staring out a window if I really wanted to, or something like reading and writing. I will gobble a 400 page novel in a few hours, especially if I'm bored enough. I can sit still enough that maybe a living statue could be a career choice.
But that's also why I do have a lot of mixed feelings. That, and because a diagnosis isn't anything to be excited about. I wasn't excited when I got the big stamp of Gender Dysphoria: You're Actually a Guy! Wow! because it essentially just told me that there's entire years where there weren't pictures of me around and that why I ponder getting hit by a car and why my pelvis can't be pulled out can be traced to me having lost the Chromosome Gamble. I lucked out (read: 'luck' being mixed) in getting a reason for "Ice Star Don't Worry There's a Reason Childhood You Actually Wanted to Be Harry Potter as Kid Just Because He's A Boy AND Also Have A Whole Extension of Reasons Why You Cannot Muster the Energy to Want to Live" being longer now. I guess.
Because a new medication is supposed to give me the energy to not be boggled down with depression bad enough to hinder doing the things I love. Like playing with my cat and reading. Also, sleeping. I've learned that it is entirely possible to be too depressed to sleep. For a really long time. It's supposed to do more than make those anti-doctor wine moms on facebook feel bad that another person is taking some prescribed pills instead of going outside as an "antidepressant" because I'll have energy. Like, energy in general. Enough to hopefully fuel the crazy perfectionist-workaholic-potential overachiever SOMETHING that I always try my best to be, especially when I want to do things like manually tear my vocal chords from my body because I have a Girl Voice and GET CLOCKED EVERY TIME I OPEN MY MOUTH. I'll also be able to remember wherever the fuck I put the Thing That My Brain Decided to Currently Forget. (Which is apparently a more prominent symptom of adult ADHD and also a General Ice Star Thing.) I won't be too sad to read a new book. I won't always be driven to anxiousness about writing/reading a male character right because my dysphoria is invading my brain so bad. My cats might not be too bummed out by how I look like I feel like trash.
I'm not sure. Mixed feelings. I could be running out of ways to say things. Except maybe this: this post was kind of venty and I am very nervous about this. It's not something I can take lightly.
So.
I'm sorry for being whatever sort of trash pile I am. Or just being me. I'm not sure, except that I've probably done something wrong lately and haven't fixed it. I'm sorry for having a hiatus, for less productivity, for something. I don't know.
Go read Monochromatic's anxiety blogs though. They're really nice, and generally what I keep in mind when I think about mental health blogs.
I just have a lot on my mind. I managed to put a drop of it in this blog. I'm sorry if it ruined your day.
I'm not sure what else to say.
Today was kind of almost alright,
Ice Star
You're too nice of a person and too good of an author to have these things happening to you. Shit sucks.
I can't offer much in the way of support, but I hope you know that you're not alone. Lots of people struggle with mental health issues, lots of people are searching for answers in the wrong places (and the right ones), and so many people do, eventually, get past it.
Stay strong, Ice. Good luck out there.
I just wanna give you a big freakin hug, dude.
as just a random commenter on the internet, i cant give as much support as i usually could, but i do feel this; im a (n extremely closeted) trans boy, living in.. a strange family environment. dysphoria and mental health problems always seem to pack a one-two punch, most of the time.
although this is probably going to be said a lot, do know that you arent alone. everything may suck, and be terrible; but you are never alone. i love your work, but never feel obligated to push it out just for the fans. although it may not feel like it sometimes, your side of the story matters just as much.
you seem very lovely, and i really do hope things start to get better for you soon.
and let ur dysphoria know im gonna kick its ass
5052375
i honestly might? i have a lot of therapy for Trans Stuff just in general but also even month-long waits to start hormones are just
a nightmare
5052371
thank you guys; just hearing something outside the hellish echo chamber that is my head can be something else
just doing things bit by bit is frustrating and doesn't always help me sometimes
5052374
again thank you
i'm not always sure what to say for stuff like this too
5052424
my own pacing just frustrates me because when i know i can do better; i always want to. and yeah, i'm not closeted anymore but it's honestly pretty much the same deal and this ravenous want to pass as much as possible and just
ugh
it really just leaves me left with being the Only FtM Person Offline I Know and just... gobbling up cavetown songs and ftm yt videos and hiding from mirrors; the whole shit.
and knowing there's people who love my work as much as i love writing it always just makes me want to do more for folks ngl
i'll be sure to let my dyphoria know you're coming for it
5052642
hue i'm actually like, an unofficial admin there
bc i'm a lgbt admin
i've already joined that one a while ago tho
5052670
sure is
I honestly don't know what to say. Your life has so many things going on in it I would be overwhelmed in a second and curl into a ball. I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this, I can't even begin to imagine how it would be like. I...I hope all of this stuff becomes easier, somehow.
5052739
yeah
you and me both
5052741
let's hope the future is kinder to you
5052795
yeah, maybe it will be
5052639
yeah; i can feel that. trying to get through vortual high school w/ major depression/anxiety feels the same way for me. it always feels like i should be doing so much more than i am, and its gonna be a very long time before i can finally accept that about myself, haha
in all seriousness though, if people liking your work helps you get through the day, ill give you as much support as i can. you really deserve it
dysphoria is always the Worst. when im feeling particularly down, i like to look for other trans mlp fans (or just trans artists/writers in general) and see the overwhelming positivity from so many wonderful people. it definitely doesnt solve my feelings, but it always warms my heart to see.
good luck on your journey, hope u can feel some gender euphoria someday
5052821
thank you ❤️
my voice makes it hard to have the euphoria of passing but that won’t last
it shouldn’t
there’s a lot of trans-feminine and mtf pony creators around actually
same with stories
trans-masc and trans guys & characters/stories seem less common tho? i know of like, three
5052799
Time will tell. Sooner or later time will tell
5052847
yeah!! im happy to see so many trans women finding solace in the show, its been a part of my life for a super long time, and theyve got to deal with a lot of bs so im glad these ponies make them as happy as they make me
and ive been wanting to write stories about trans-masc/nb mlp characters for a while, maybe some day
5053315
trans characters in mlp fanfic in general are just good
5053317
oh yeah, absolutely