Again · 3:48am Mar 13th, 2019
Failure is a monster. It roars and bites, and it either kills you or you win.
Failure is Present. Everything you do is something your not perfect at, and it's something that surrounds you. You can't outrun it and eventually, you're just tired.
After a while, failure doesn't fight you. It crushes you, makes it so you can't breath, and pins you to the ground. And there's nothing you can do.
But failure is normal. Everyone deals with it, so that means it can't be insurmountable.
So what is Failure? And what are you supposed to do with it?
Good grief, I really hope this doesn't sound as emo as I think it sounds.
I'm not sure how much I want to share on my blog. I am... on the Autistic Spectrum, but I'm very high functioning. I don't like talking about because in most contexts it feels like an excuse, but it's relevant here. This is my real name, that was my real face and I know I've mentioned where I live before. So now I'm not sure how personal I should be, when I'm not sure how personal I've already been, compared to maybe what I should be.
I failed at a large part of my job today, in conjunction with some other failures. It wasn't a great job, but I don't know if I'll have it tomorrow and I don't know if I can do much better. It— bugs me.
What bugs me more is how I'm trying to turn it into some kind of deep philosophic moment, "Hey, this guy could lose his job, but he's soooo deep about it. He's a real writer," when if I had anything real to say I probably wouldn't be here.
Look, it's nearly midnight, and I'm about to get kicked out of the library. I've been working on this since seven. This isn't the perfected version of this blog, it's just the bits that stuck around until I was too tired to use good judgement say something clever.
Okay, I am going to justify the link. I'm just taking Mystery on the Arcane Train straight into Hiatus. The chapter I was going to write was just filler. I need to lengthen the end of the current chapter and change how it ends, and I don't want to commit to how it ends without sitting down and plotting out the rest of the story. I should have realized that in January, but here we are. I intend to publish an Arcane Paper about Golems, so there'll be something to look forwards to. And I swear to God that I will have something about the Iron Mage publishable by the end of Lent.
I hope you guys are doing well.
Here's hoping this goes better than you think it will. And that this doesn't just sound like empty reassurance.
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Oh, don't worry. I just sort of do this once a year. I didn't notice the pattern until this time, and honestly now that it isn't midnight I feel a lot better about it. Each time's gotten a little better, so I guess I'm not failing as a person. I'll see how I feel around the end of Lent, hopefully a finished story will help.
Thanks for commenting, BTW. I appreciate the thought.