Some nights. · 11:13am Jan 20th, 2019
Some nights, I find myself starting at the bottom of my beverage and wondering to myself where my life is going. Or, sometimes where it has gone. With the only thing, I know for sure being the destination. My death. Not really knowing the parts in between. I mean, I have an idea on what I "want" to do in life... and it's something I enjoy. But I can't help but find myself constantly asking myself if it is my destiny? If this is the path I should be taking, or if there's something better I should be doing?
Some nights, I reach the end of my beverage and say yes, this is something I should do. Yes, I think this is important for me to do but... some nights I reach the end of my beverage, look out into the cool night sky and either say no, I'm not... or go get another glass...
That's the thing really, I can never tell if I'm happy with my decisions in life. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I'm happy at all. Long term that is. I mean, yea, sure, I'm happy in the moment, when my boyfriend tells me he loves me or when I pass a test I thought I failed... But, after the moment's over, and I'm back to being alone I just... end up back with my thoughts. Lost in my mind trying to make sense of everything going on in my life whether it be family, my life decisions or just the traumatic stuff that's happened in my life, that still keeps me up at night nearly six years later...
That, if I'd gone and told someone what had happened, would they even care what I had to say and nothing would have changed... or would someone I cared deeply about still be alive today, and how much of my life would have changed? How much of my friend's lives would have changed? Would I still be like this if I had told someone? If I was allowed to say goodbye to my grandfather who I loved dearly? If I actually managed to get back in touch with my best friend from childhood who stood up for me when nobody else would?... Would I still be me? Or somebody better or worse?...
Would I still be here, writing my heart out into stories, so that maybe by the grace of the stars somebody will finally understand how I feel deep down in the remnants of my soul?... Or... does it even matter?...
I don't know to be perfectly honest. The only thing I do know... is that I need another drink.
