Drinking to Vanity Without Much Sanity · 10:31pm Jan 17th, 2019
A short informal essay on the issue of drinking a little too much, moderate pain and minuscule reward, and pondering why someone would keep doing such an act. A bit of a character study; a bit of why we should trust in our feelings.
Find out more below the break.
Installment 1 | Self-Reflections
Drinking to Vanity Without Much Sanity
I've been drinking for the last little while.
There's no real point behind this piece other than I desired to write about it. No no. I'm not an alcoholic or anything like that. Rather, I've gotten used to a lifestyle that has me drinking every day. Since I've been out of work, I've been living off my savings, and thus, I spend my money scarcely.
After Christmas, I was given a few bottles of booze. Very nice stuff. I enjoy drinking them greatly—at any time and in any state. Thing is: I shouldn't be drinking. I'm on a medication that dries my body from the inside out.
As many of you can guess, that puts a heavy strain on my liver.
And so... drinking is a big no-no while on the drug.
But I drank anyway. I'm not sure why I do so: there's no great reward behind it. I drink because I enjoy the taste, because the sporadic stumbles are sometimes a surprise delight, and that's about it. Really. There's not much more.
I'm not drinking to dull some pain, or to enter a different state of mind. As many friends will attest, I am much the same drunk as I am sober. This, of course, has led me to believe that I merely drunk all the time.
I am unsure how to feel about this revelation about myself.
Which brings me to the problem of this piece: why do I continue to do something that is harmful, that can really fuck me up in the long run—all for the reward of nothing more than sweet taste? I can easily make my coffee sweeter with sugar to a less disastrous result.
But despite pains with my heart, I continue to drink, risking my luck, like it's all some sort of game. It's such a small damn problem that doesn't deserve such analysis: this has happened before, and with my source gone, I return to sobriety easily.
But the core problem bugs me. My chest hurts, there's a chance I could either suffer severe problems or possible death and yet, I keep drinking as I do without much concern: all for a slightly sweet or bitter taste. Nothing more and nothing less.
There must be many reasons for it, right?
Lack of self-care? No desire to see the future? An inability to tie in present actions to future consequences? Should a doctor speak of liver failure with no chance of a transplant, should I then quiver and fear for my life? Of all those questions/answers, that last one seems the most likely.
Maybe drinking a lot is a cue to complete the deed. By that, I mean that since I have a limited quantity of bottles, that means that the sooner it gets drunk, then the work is done. Once those three bottles are done, they are done, and thoughts of drinking will not enter my mind for however many months to come.
Is that the reason?
You see the trap of self-analysis, yes? At any moment, we can think one option is true, and in the next, think of another option, have it deeply resonate within us, and feel it’s now the new truth. For whatever reason, our most recent revelation tend to obscure the rest, simply because relevancy renders us to believe that newer is truer.
How do we go about finding the truth? Of finding which reasons, conscious and unconscious, impact the actions in which we take? Experimentation is always key: going down to list of causes to see that which solves the problem.
But really. We're still relying on a feeling our bodies gives. And, ironically enough... I trust this feeling. I don't usually trust feelings—I've seen how easily many are corrupted by them. Feeling only for themselves and thinking nothing of nor for anyone else.
But I've since changed from then. Feelings are hints and cues and exchanges our bodies and deeper selves grant to us. Currently, it's of my naive belief that if you reached a certain level of intelligence, then that your feelings also become intelligent, and that they are quicker, stronger, and more innate to you than your thoughts could ever reach. Our feelings are connected to the whole is if our self.
In short, I've learned to trust in my intuition.
And my intuition says this: I do not care what happens tomorrow—even though I should. The pricking of my heart is an annoyance, but not yet a severe issue, thus the indifference. I should stop drinking: yes. But I have not passed a threshold that demands it of me.
Even worse than that: should my doctor tell me my life is now on the line, then yes, I would fear for myself immediately and regret my past. I possess the inability to link my current actions to future consequences. Apathy, and a lack of faith in a better tomorrow render me a woeful soul.
And I simply refuse to change unless an external cue demands it of me.
There you have it. Here is a miniature character-study of the writer known as B. All I can is that writing this stuff down was a help to me. Even if my current problems go uncorrected, at least they are known to me, transferring from my subconscious to my consciousness.
Prose is a hell of a therapy, folks.
Give it a try from time to time.
These miniessays don’t bother you too much, do they?
I can't always make sprawling posts all the time. Some subjects require more words than others, but something that is longer doesn't necessarily make it more important. If I can summarize a point in a few words, then all the better.
But if they prove to be an issue, then I'll try doing mini-essays in one essay. That should make up for the word count.
That is all.
~ Yr. Pal, B ~
The best advice I ever received while deployed in the armed services,
and really, the best advice for the anxieties of life in general:
4998605
I recall you saying that during voice.
It's a good anecdote.
That answers my earlier question. Now I have a new one. Do you want to quit, do you want to keep drinking, or do you want to want yourself to stop drinking?
You might not like what I'm gonna say, but I want to say it because I care.
B, if you push off those pains in your heart, and if you drink because you felt like it, and everything around you is screaming for you not to do that, then perhaps you shouldn't. You mention being apathetic, not being hopeful for a better tomorrow, but if you never reach that tomorrow, because you didn't consider how your actions now will effect it, how will you know if it gets any better or not?
You don't need faith for that, you don't need someone to lift you up, all you need is to work for something you desire, and if that desire is to not be apathetic, then hold onto that as tight as you can. I understand your pain, at least I think I do. I get so scared and so downtrodden that I have thought of killing myself multiple times, but I keep going. I try to push those thoughts away, talk with those who care, and work on something I like.
Your life is in your hands, might as well make them clean.
I want you to succeed, and in order to do that, you have to be alive, so flip the bird to death and whatever might cause it for you, and keep pushing forward. YOU can DO it.
4998634
Good comment.
4998651
Indifference. It's merely a thing I do. Mostly, it's wanting to clear the stash/work before me. My view of life is there are things to get done and one should be in the everlong process of doing and resolving. Healthy in some contexts; unhealthy in others.
4998672
These things are alright in moderation, but that is when medication isn't being used. It is good to do what the doctors tell you, but it seems you wont go for the option of no alcohol, so try small sips and smaller drinks of it? Maybe pour smaller amounts into a cup that you drink?
4998605
Elaborating further, there's an entire Irish Philosophy/Blessing focused around this idea:
4998763
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I have an... intimate knowledge of indifference, self-reflection, self-assessment... Self-destruction via not being bothered to care. I'll tell you this much.
Unlike most I can totally believe you feel for nothing and care for nothing. You're passively dissatisfied with your life, it's not good enough to enjoy and not bad enough to be forced to try and fix it. The thing is, the threat of being negligent to yourself isn't that you'll die or live in fear of dying. It's that your quality of life will turn from mediocre to... more mediocre. MORE minor annoyances. More limitations you can't or can't be bothered to overcome. More little things to have to remember, with all those annoying people (or yourself) reminding you of them.
I tend to believe that, while human life itself isn't all that valuable or important to hold onto, if you do hold onto it, it should be enjoyable (yes, enjoyable in the context of apathy, even now it can give you those little moments of pleasure). Being sick isn't enjoyable. It doesn't bring meaning to your life (although some people turn it into their lifestyle). Being chronically sick, esp something like heart problems that low-key affect everything instead of just a specific aspect of life, sucks. And, hell, you never know what tommorow will bring. Healthier body means more potential to get the most of whatever might come your way (that's what I keep telling myself, lul). Usually it gives off warning signs before something bad is actually going to happen, and when it does, it helps to listen, even if we often are taught not to.
Bottom line, drop the booze until you get off the meds. Tommorow you might not thank yesterday you for the decision, but he WILL curse him for lack of it if things do go sideways.
4999015
This was another good comment that has given me food for thought. Thank you for your input and understanding on the matter, as seen by how you described it.