A Little Rewrite · 8:10pm Dec 20th, 2018
So, someone pointed out to me yesterday that they had some issues with the magic camera. The first being how easily Sunset rolled with it once she got photographed, and also how convenient the camera was. In light of that, I rewrote a bit of chapter three and a good bit chapter four. So you don't all have to reread the chapters to see the changes, I'm posting the major changes here. The first is in chapter three where Sunset gets the mystery box, I wanted to show there was something naturally off about the box so the audience could be 100% sure the box and its contents ain't natural.
Clearly, this was just a case of mistaken identities. She knew someone else who looked just like me… and had the same name as me, and now she wanted me to help her out of whatever situation she got herself into. The nice thing to do was tell her she had me confused with someone else, and blah, blah, blah. Who cared about that? Whatever was in the box was probably cool as shit. “You got it,” I said, standing up and taking the box from her, and it was a nice box. Dark, black wood engraved with what looked like a bunch of dudes in togas posing on the lid. I stared at it. “I’ll see you back at school.”
She wrapped her arms around me, before pressing her lips against my cheek. “Thank you so much, Sunset,” she said, breaking the bond and backpedalling towards the woods. I stared at her, watching her go, and then everything was quiet. I traced my finger over the lid, imagining just what could be inside. Drugs would be the obvious guess, but the box had a weight to it. Just holding it, I seemed to thrum with energy, imagining what I would do with... whatever was in the mystery box.
"Sunset!" Starlight said right as I gripped the box, ready to open it. I shoved the box in my bag. We could open it later. A minute later, a pair of arms were wrapped around me.
The next scene is when Sunset gets banished into the camera and the immediate aftermath.
“Alright, strike a pose,” she said. I stood up. What to do? I mimed holding a pistol and pointed it out of frame. Which, ugh, as soon as I did it felt dumb. Still, Starlight laughed, the camera flashed, and everything went white.
No, like, everything went white. I rubbed my eyes, blinking a few times. What the fuck? I stood in the middle of a white void and– “What the fuck?” My stomach squeezed, bile rising up in my throat as my breathing quickened, faster and faster. Get a hold of yourself.
“Ok, ok,” I said, looking around and fighting through the fear, taking a few deep breaths to steady myself. Ok. Starlight took the photo and then I found myself here. So, what were my options? Most likely option, I had a stroke or something and was dead or in a coma, and this was purgatory or just my own mind. “No, my mind’s not that empty.” But if it was purgatory? Maybe I’d get to see mom again.
Alternatively? My entire understanding of the world was a lie, magic existed, and I had a camera that could imprison people? But what the hell? People didn’t just stumble across magic artifacts. “But here I am.”
Fair. Hard to be incredulous when you’ve got the evidence all around you. “So, assuming we’re not dead and in purgatory, how’re we getting out of here?”
I crossed my arms and started walking forward. Moving, at least, was something. Maybe my prison had boundaries. “Ok, Sunset, you might be here for a while, so time to figure out ground rules.” Mainly, could I die here? I held my breath and waited. And waited. And waited.
And I felt fine. Cool, I exhaled air that didn’t exist, getting a little more used to my temporary (hopefully?) home. So, I could stay here indefinitely and be fine, which… points for purgatory, I guess.
Up ahead, a sliver of color revealing Starlight’s bedroom. So, yeah, not purgatory. I sprinted towards it, and as I ran more and more of the white unravelled, threads of white unspooling as the color outside my temporary prison expanded, more and more of her bedroom becoming visible. I stood on the edge, looking as the threads of nothing ripped away. I did what anyone does standing over an unknown precipice. I jumped.
“It worked,” Starlight said as I stumbled forward, bracing myself on a bedpost back in the real world. I looked behind me to see her standing, holding my photo, torn slightly, in one hand and the instructions in the other. A second later, her arms wrapped around me and her head was buried in my duster. “You don’t know how scared I was that I lost you.”
“How’d you get me out?” I asked, stroking her hair and back.
“The instructions, they said if I wanted to stop saving a memory, I needed to rip the photo so the border was broken but not completely in half.” I looked at her bed, seeing the camera resting on a pillow. “I can’t believe we have a magic camera. I can’t believe magic is real.”
“Yeah, it’s a little heavy,” I said, looking at the camera, studying it, thinking about it’s potential. “But it’s fine, I’m here, we’re safe, and look, the sun isn’t even up yet.” I yawned, exhaustion creeping up on me now that I was out. And had a physical body. “And maybe we can use the camera for something good.”
“Like what?” Starlight asked, joining me in looking at the camera.
“I don’t know,” I lied. Yeah, lying to my girlfriend, great move. “But we have to have it for a reason. Think about it, the day after we met, on our first date, we get this.” The same day you burn bridges with your best friend. “I don’t believe in coincidences, Starlight. We met for a reason, we got this camera for a reason.” I kissed her forehead. “We’re going to do something great together, Starlight.”
Starlight smiled, looking at the camera before pushing me down on the bed. “You’re a real sweetalker, aren’t you?” she asked.
I shrugged as she took my duster off me, not missing what she was saying. “Just telling the truth,” I said, pulling her down onto the bed with me. “Because, Starlight, the two of us? That’s fate, and you don’t have to be a genius to see that.”
She kissed me. I kissed back. The camera could wait until after.
And those are the changes, so now you shouldn't have to reread the chapters if you want to know what changed. Hopefully, this reads a little bit better. Like I said, I don't have pre-readers, so I don't get any feedback outside my own head for these chapters until after they publish.
