Blog Entry #34-New Drive, New Motive

First off, hi everyone... how are you? Second, this will be a long one so I apologize if I annoy you. With that said, let's get to the point of this blog...

So after doing some long thinking and listening to everyone who replied/responded to my last post, it's only now that I realize three things: I'm to scared of what others think and I hold myself back(drastically) and wanting approval from other people. What do I mean you ask? I'll answer that as best as I humanly can.

Part one-Being to scared

This part is pretty easy to explain. I'm scared for a number of reasons when it comes to writing. A)Offending anybody. When it comes to writing, I follow three simple rules: 1)Will people be okay with what I write? 2)Is it relatable(or at the very least, understandable)? 3)Do I personally enjoy it?

If I answer no to any of the three I said, I either scrap it or write it but dont publish it. I'm not a fan of hurting anyone nor am I a fan of conflict. If I personally enjoy it, I usually write it but never post it in fear people will hate it and see me in a worse light. My main strengths are Fluff(as many people have told me) so I stick with something that works.

I dont like to branch out into something without some means of a... failsafe if you will. About a year and a half ago(it was around October if memory serves), I wrote a horror story for the October theme in one of my groups(I think this is repetitive what I just said but I'm unable to find a means to word it at the moment) and... it bombed. To say it was terrable would be putting it very nicely. It had a 20-15 ratio and I personally hated it because A)I rushed it and B)It completely botched the characters. To give an abridged version of the story, it was about Gilda who was jealous of Rainbow Dash's relationship(who was Fluttershy btw) and slowly killed them. Fearing that more people would hate me for it, I deleted it and removed it from my thought. I have since decided to avoid any and all writing involving that as it obvious I ducked at horror. It's unfortunate because I love horror stories.

The same thing happened on my Father's day story(although unlike the last one, this one had a 18-5 ratio). The story for the most part was fine but it was almost a copy of my Mother's day story(but unlike that story, it was praised) because I wrote it in three weeks vs my Mother's day story being written six months in advance.

The other issue I have is ever since I stopped focusing on characters like Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy(characters at the time were my favorite), my views, followers, eta... were slowly down. The best story(at least by likes) I had was A Freind In Need(witch has a 86-6 ratio). And this was before I had an editor. But before I managed to find an editor(after that story), every story I wrote after that were anywhere between good to mediocre.

Now I'm sure some of you are wondering "Well, at least your getting likes and whatnot. Surely that should be enough since they're not hating it." And you'd be absolutely correct. Unfortunately... I'm kinda selfish in that regard. What I mean is while yes, I do get likes and one and a while a follower, my main goal is to have people notice my stories and give some kind of comment. Good, bad, whatever. I dont want just likes, that's(no offense) simple enough. What I want is recognition. One of the people who responded to my last post brought this to my attention

Honestly, that doesn't seem like a great reason to write ponyfic. It's uncomfortably similar to wanting to be "horse famous". For one thing, those days are largely gone -- the onlyfandom person I can think of offhand who might qualify as having done it in 2018 is Round Trip, he of the "...in a Nutshell" videos. There will never be another Past Sins or My Little Dashie.

While I'm aware of that(witch to be honest, didn't surprise me), I do have a dream of becoming a Youtuber and having all my stories Animated(Rather it's by me or someone else is up in the air) witch in return, would get me on the radar to a degree. I was fully aware I went get as famous as those two stories. Painful but I'm aware. What I want is to at least leave a mark somewhere as I'm pretty much a nobody IRL and I use this as a means to escape my crummy life.

Part two-Holding myself back

As stated in part one, I tend to hold back from most things I write. While I enjoy what I write, I do fear that writing one wrong thing could prove dangerous to people who dont follow/know me. Back a few months ago, I lost a bet with a close friend of mine and as a result, he said I had to write a story that was out of my element(if that makes sense). I did tell him I wasn't going to write any clip but I'll write something close. He agreed and I write a story called Loyalty&Kindness(bad title I know...) and it was about Rainbow Dash trying to cheer up her GF Fluttershy. While the story itself did alright, there was one part where I did not think about the implications of said part... to be blunt, the person pointed out that it felt rapey. I didn't think of it as that(because I just wanted to be done with the bet) but after checking it over, I realized what he/she meant and once again, out of fear, I deleted it. Since then, I've always needed an editor just so I dont leave any implications or plot holes(mainly the former) because of that. Speaking of editor/s, that's one of the main reasons why my stories take forever. Because ever since A Freind In Need, every story I post after that has been unnoticed for the most part. I have tried being original(as in, using characters that dont get used often) but they get very low views.

I wrote a story revolving around the Cake Twins. While the story did pretty well(18-0), it barely got views(Keep in mind, it took me 4 months to write that)and while I still have it archived, I realized that when I tried being original, it meant nothing. Granted, it was around when I had 100 followers, but still. Maybe I'm just being stupid(or missing the big picture) but it seems the only way anything gets noticed nowadays is either Clop(witch I'll never do unless there's a very good reason like getting 500 followers or something and even then, I already have a story planned for that), popular users(witch by default, already makes it more difficult to been seen) or characters that are used often(Mane/Human six, Spike to some degree and a few others). I guess the takeaway from this is because I hold myself back and use characters that are often used, I dont use characters that are underused anymore, destroying the whole point of being unique(basically, being a hypocrite).

Part three-Wanting notice/being a somebody

As I said before, I pretty much a nobody IRL(we've already established that...). When I originally joined this site(back in 2015), my goal was simple-Make stories that I and everyone else will enjoy, become a Youtuber and be social. Unfortaunly... life likes to kick me in the butt. Not only did that not happen, but I put myself in the hospital for a lengthy time(if you want the full story, check my user page witch explains it in more detail). I won't go into full detail here(as this is already long enough...) but to give the short summary of what happened, I saved someone, got put into the hospital, had an old friend use my account, he caused drama for my old account, I recovered and went to take care if my grandparents and went on hiatus from here. The only reason I did come back was because my close friend convinced me to join back(witch I was originally reluctant of the idea due to the mess my old friend caused...).

My original plan was still the same. The only difference was I couldn't become a Youtuber due to taking care of my grandparents and animation was out of the question for the same reason so writing was my only goal. Fortunately, that was the one goal undid reach(yay). However, once I did get a following, I thought I could still achieve my goal of being noticed and become something. However, as life would have it, i became more busy after leaving my grandparents(much to my reluctance mind you) due to family issues. I refuse to go into here but just know it wasn't pretty.

After that, I joined school for about a year and a half. Life was... alright but I didn't really keep my attention to anyone or anything. But then at the beginning of the year, after going through an argument with one of my family members, I fell into a deep depression and didn't want to do anything. Once I got back into school, someone came into my life and made me feel a thousand times better. On one hand, I didn't write much due to spending time with said person but on the other, I was happy, something I lacked for years. Unfortunately, that didnt last long due to reasons I wont say here.

So I fell into depression again and while I did write, I lacked the motivation to do anything with it(witch is a whole other reason why most of my stories are sad/fluff). Heck, the only reason I still do this is for my followers. I dont want to disappoint them. But after thinking about what everyone has said and realizing my own thought, I decided one thing.

And that thing was tied just write whatever came to mind, rather it was popular or not. I'm just going to publish stories and see how they do. If they suck, then I'll deal with that bridge when I get to it. If they do well, then I'll continue and maybe, find a good editor. Because I should stop living in fear and being selfish(selfless?) And just do what I originally planned. Because one of these days, maybe it will work out. I've got to stop living in the past and work on the present/future. So my goal now is to publish whatever I want(Minus clop because screw that) and let the world know that I'm me. Simple as that.

I apologize for the long blog and such. I've been writing this for about an hour. I hope to hear your thoughts/comments. Thank you for your time and have a nice day.

Comments

[NaiadSagaIotaOar]

I'm glad to see you saying this. Writing what you want sounds like a wonderful ideal to stick to, and I really hope it goes well for you