[Review] Luna's Coffee (aka the bane of my existence) · 7:58pm Oct 1st, 2018

Review soundtrack. Listen to it while you read along to get the full experience.

Luna's Coffee by some asshole named Curify

Luna's Coffee is the ~~shittiest thing I've ever read~~ inadvertent cause of 9/11.

You know how whenever you're vacuuming a floor and suck up a little pebble and because your vacuum is shit it refuses to pick the pebble up, so it just makes a bunch of weird cluttering noises and for a moment you're worried because you're afraid you fucked it up, but then you turn the vacuum off so that you can take a look at it to find that it's okay and it dropped the pebble? That has nothing to do with this review. This story is shit.

The opening is stupid.

Luna loves her coffee.

State the obvious why don't you? You open your story on the most obvious fact: Luna loves her coffee. That's not subtlety. What does the coffee represent? Is it black like her lover, or thicc and creamy like her other lover (Celestia)? This is too much showing and not enough telling.

The paragraph that follows is really gay.

Midnight black, sugary trap, and of careful craft; coffee is her jittery, delicious desire. She returns to its warmth as she stares out into the night. She needs her drink or she will be tired for the morning court.

First of all, this paragraph describes coffee as if it's something divine. Unsurprisingly, the author is really describing his love of alcohol, but that's not the point I'm trying to make. My main issue with this paragraph is that one semicolon in the middle of the first sentence. Who the HELL uses semicolons anymore? It's 2018, a semicolon is basically an indecisive punctuation mark. Don't use semicolons. No one uses them. They're stupid. They're nothing but commas at the end of a sentence,

This story is full of inconsistancies like this. There are so many moments where the tension the big wordy paragraphs build is ruined by much smaller, annoying paragraphs that appear continuously.

Luna hates morning court.

Such as this one.

I love morning court. It keeps the urges at bay while I wait for the morning wood to go away. This sentence alone has insulted my intelligence to the point that I can't even cope with the author's incompetence. There's funny incompetent, then there's full-on depressing incompetent. Remember: this author is a real person who has a last name, and that name ends with a kys.

Luna loves sparkles.

That's gay.

Luna hates measuring.

This is the only sentence I can relate to. I hate measuring stuff, it reminds me too much of the dick measuring contest I lost to a leprechaun at a Starbucks bathroom. At least I think he was a leprechaun. It was march and he was a little person. That, or Koreon.

Anyways, the point is that this the first thing I like about the story, and comparing that to the majority of this review, it is incomparable to the shitty writing. I couldn't find any examples to give on why it's so shitty, so just take my word for it. It's a big word.

Has anyone seen the newest season of Yama no ō on Netflix? It's really great!

If I had to describe to you how infuriating this story is, take a juxtapose of annoying fics, smash them all together, throw them in a blender, blend it until it becomes a Fanfiction.net smoothy, then let it sit for a while and read this story to kill time. That's how frustrating it is. All it does is kill time. I like time. Time is important. Time is precious. We all only have so much time left in the world. Time comes in as limited in abundance as oil does. We shouldn't be killing time. Stop killing time guys. If you're a killer of time, realize what you're doing and put a stop to it this instant. You're killing no one but yourselves. And time.

The plot in general feels lazy. The basic plotline is as follows: "Luna loves her coffee." It's really easy to write an entire story based off that sentence alone. I'll do it right now.

Luna loves her coffee.
She does not hate it, she loves it because it is impossible for her to hate coffee since she loves it so much her love for it. It is an amazing drink that she drinks because she loves her love for it in a way that it's enjoyable to love. Luna loves her coffee because love is her love enjoyable coffee love. She loves coffee.

BAM! See? I barely put any effort into writing it, and already I have a bone-fide masterpiece. It goes to show the author put zero talent and effort into this story. I myself have written many masterpieces and have been plenty self-aware of any aweful stories I've written in the past. But the level of incompetence here is so farreaching that I cannot cope to understand it without having to break out into quantim physics, or a detailed account of cultural marxism.

This is a story that fails in every single aspect of writing, which is saying a lot because there aren't that many aspects when it comes to writing. All you got to do is write down words. It's not hard. Use your brain. Writing a story requires words. Without words, all you have is a blank piece of paper, or breel. Breel is a lazy form of writing. I've never seen person reading breel before. All they ever do is cover it up with their fingers -- I suppose because of how horrendous it looks.

The entire story is a clusterfuck of the narrator repeating the same thing over and over again in different words. The story has a tendency to repeat itself on more then one occassion. This could do so much better if it didn't repeat itself too many times. The only way I can enjoy this garbage is if you throw it in a big bonfire at an annual book burning rally.

Despite me already saying that my intelligence was insulted is an understatment. My brain was literally forced to imagine a middle finger. Is this suppose to be art? Is this what state art is in? Are we a dying cultur? The answer is yes, because we have Curify to thank for that.

I can really only give this story one kind of rating.

A failed abortion/10

End credits