not okay · 6:43pm Aug 17th, 2018
tw: self hate, anxiety, nightmares, mild suicidal thoughts
i act like i'm okay
i'm not
i'm so fucking tired of being sick and sick of being tired
i want to sleep more to help both problems but my anxiety spikes at night and i need to calm myself down with some reading or watching things on youtube (nothing horror tho that'll make it worse)
i stay up til 4 am almost every night and i hate that it usually takes that long to calm myself
most of the time if i fall asleep before calming down i either wake up 3 times in the night due to dreams i don't remember upon waking or have a nightmare that i can't wake up from until i either die in the dream or realize i'm in a nightmare
my cough has slowly gotten worse too
it hurts to cough
it hurts my sides and abdomen
it hurts my throat
it hurts my head
i feel like i'm dying
my mental health is no better
as previously stated i lose sleep due to anxiety in the middle of the night
said anxiety is usually do to fear from news or worrying about the people i love/care about
i wish i could even mildly detach myself from my feelings if only to help my health
but i can't
i care too much
i got too attached and i can't pull myself back into my shell without hurting everyone i care about
i'm so frustrated w myself for being frustrated w people
here's my public answer to who i've had a crush on for the past few weeks
it's Ice
the main reason i'm putting this here is bcuz this crush is also part of the problem and the main reason i couldn't sleep last night
i started thinking i fucked up
i cursed my sexuality
i thought "there's no fucking way he feels that way i'm just a friend to him"
the following quote is a copy&pasted vent as proof i actually felt this way
Holy shit why am I the way I am.
Polyamorous? Sure fine, I can have a cuddle pile. Biromantic? Okay, we can add other genders to the cuddle pile.Demisexual. There's the kicker. Only have sexual attraction to people I'm emotionally bonded to. That emotional bond broke with Enzo. It broke with Lloyd. It's still there for Aidan and Katie.
But why Ice??
Why him
Of all the people I know why him?
The one person who probably would never reciprocate my feelings.Sammie you absolute dumbass how the fuck did you let this happen. You could've pulled away when you started developing feelings, taken a break. But you didn't, and we're here now, dying to know if Ice shares your feelings at all, but knowing he probably doesn't and when he says he doesn't you'll just die a little inside because that's what always happens when the person you were crushing on rejects you.
Oh, we'll still be friends, I'm sure. There'll just be an underlying awkward tension between us. Because that's what happens. I cause awkward tensions between myself and my friends when I crush on them.
But I only crush on them specifically because that's how being demisexual fucking works.
i still think i fucked up
i still think i'm a fuck up
i'm to the point where i'm hoping that i just die
if anyone comments *hugs* i'm gonna fucking block them bcuz 1 i don't want to have to talk about this more rn and 2 giving me hugs will not help
Fluffy, if you ever feel like you need someone to talk to let me know...
you can always talk to me on Discord.
I don't know if I told you but I lost a friend to suicide once, I don't want any of my other friends to think thats the right thing to do (because it isn't)
I am here for you and I know a lot of your other friends are, so if you ever feel like talking let me know and I will listen and do everything I can to help you because you are one of my best-est friends in the world and I care so much!
<3
I'm curious if you've seen a therapist about this. Sounds like you could use one.
Now, as for my personal thoughts, I think that saying you're going to block anyone if they simply comment saying they hugged you isn't a logical idea. Shunning those that want to show some sort of sympathy or comfort is an extremely backwards and mean-spirited thing to do. How exactly you correlate the action of giving a hug to having to explain your situation makes my head spin.
Second, saying that "giving hugs won't help", while not technically wrong, gives me the impression that my showing of sympathy and comfort isn't wanted by you and that I should leave you to wither away because you're incapable of accepting even the simplest means of help. I'm not therapist or a psychologist, I can't say that I've exactly been in your situation, but not wanting me to at least acknowledge your situation is just cruel.
I understand that being rejected can hurt, but that's the real world. You can't always get what you want. However, your best bet is to chin up and look to the future. You have two people you have an emotionally strong bond with according to your blog. Rather than dwell on those that you've lost, look at what you have. The impression you'll give to those that you're in a relationship with is that those you've lost were better than them. Should it come to that though...
The end result of such thoughts won't be good for you.
We’re going to have to talk. A lot.
About the cough that you ought to see a doctor for, the anxiety/sleep issues, and... well, the other thing.
Your friends and S.O.s hurt when you do.
4921566
Can you please not?
I'm very willing to listen any problems you have. I may not have the best words to make you feel better, but still, I hope you get better.
You're not that, and you never will be that.
1. You deserve happiness.
2. You will get through this.
3. The world would be diminished without you.
Your friends might be accused of bias in these regards, but I cannot be.
I now return you to your life, already in progress.
4921628 Listen, my intention wasn't to cause any harm. It's merely how I took what she said about blocking people who commented with something as simple as *hug*. The way I was raised when in situations like this was with very blunt means; often confronting the situation after briefly softening it up. Naturally, that isn't the ideal way to go about things with fluffy as her situation is vastly different than what I went through. That said, I think it stands to reason that alienating people who'd comment with something as simple as *hug* isn't wise.
That's all I was trying to say. I admit, the original comment went too far. Sorry.
4921566
The block would've been temporary, until I had a clearer head, as I do now.
4921613
I know I just... needed a clearer head before talking about this
4921662
Just because I'm not doesn't mean I don't feel like I am
4921683
sjadhbhghsydg coming from someone who rarely interacts with me that is very touching
4921900 Ah, okay. Then my sincerest apologies for my blunt attitude with the comment. I hope I didn't cause any more distress than you already had. I must admit, I've been guilty of shutting those that wished to help me out when I needed them the most. I'd hate to see someone else make the same mistake(s) that I did.
Hope all is well on your end though.
4921900
Alright then. :<
I was gonna post that as an ironic joke but i should be a little more serious here :/
Anyways, all I have to say, is keep being you. Even if you get fucked up by your feelings, don’t make it seem like it’s your own fault. We all have some shit that we really hate about ourselves, but we can’t let that get to us. Even in times of darkness, there’s always a light.
4922267
true enough
I'm here for you
I'm sorry that I haven't been, I've known that something was wrong and I just thought that it would eventually blow over. I'm so sorry that I wasn't here for you when you needed help, but I'm here now.
You aren't a fuck up. Never tell yourself that ever again. I could never forgive anyone for calling you a fuck up. If anyone said that, I'd fuck them up. You're amazing and perfect and you're my biromantic polyamorous demisexual who I will love unconditionally no matter what. Sure, we all have our down times, but that doesn't affect who we are as people.
I'm always gonna be here for you Bonnie. Please, if you're comfortable, DM me on discord and I will do my absolute best to comfort you and talk with you in length about all of this. I love you and I'm sorry I am posting this comment so late.