)Real Talk · 11:14am Jul 25th, 2018
Hey everyone,
It's time that I level with everyone and get a few things out there about why I have never finished a story (outside of a single contest one-shot) and why despite my plans, my desires to make consistent updates to stories and to eventually finish them....it just never works out. It's taken me a while to work up the courage to make these issues more well known than they are, but I think this is the right thing to do. And don't get worked up, this is not me leaving the site or saying I'm not going to finish stories, but hopefully this gets out there why I do things the way I do.
I am a person who suffers from intermittent and sometimes severe bouts of major depression, GAD and panic disorder, all of which have been medically diagnosed. Most of the time it's very minor and it affects me very little. Sometimes, usually for a few months out of the year between November and May, I will have a relapse where I will spend most of my days doing very little because I just don't have the drive, energy or passion to do anything, and usually my mind is so filled to the brim with intrusive and scary thoughts that I can't do much besides lay in bed, RP with a close friend, put on an air of "happiness" and hope I can get away with only a single panic attack.
This most recent bout lasted from August 25th, 2017 until March 17th, 2018. I had a trigger bout after meeting up with some friends who I have not seen in a long while to watch the eclipse and then ending up in the hospital with a severe migraine. I have a serious problem with separation issues and a major phobia of hospitals, needles and medication. Not to mention one medication I was given for nausea caused me to go into a panic attack that lasted almost 45 minutes and my panic was great enough that I refused medication for it to subside. It was a very very long half of a year after that, with anywhere between 1-8 panic attacks a day and frequent bouts of depression and anxiety in between. I couldn't put passion or fun into anything, no matter how much I wanted it or wanted to do it, everything just felt half-assed and disingenuous. Food tasted different, I lost weight, I was sick a lot more (spending nearly 5 weeks with the flu/viral bronchitis), music that I loved turned into triggers for attacks. It was so bad that for a few days throughout, I did nothing but sleep and stare up at the ceiling above me in a silent and dark room, and those days were the few that I could say were my absolute lowest point.
The other elephant in the room is the fact that I did have suicidal ideation, however at no point did I ever take the thoughts seriously to the point of worry. Each of those thoughts never brought relief and scared me much more than any panic attack.
All in all it was a rough few months of going through therapy and my GP, trying nearly 5 different antidepressants and a few anti-anxiety medication with little to no effect, and trying every technique in the book. It wasn't until March 17th of this year that something just happened. I had been off of Zoloft for about 2 days after trying it for a week, at the time the medication brain fog and the body aches and pains it gave me had me give it up in favor of Atarax, an antihistamine which I still use for my panic attacks....and suddenly it was like a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. My mentality came back and I stopped having panic attacks as frequently, the anxious thoughts were significantly lessened and the depression was all but gone. I remember that day spending over three hours crying in relief throughout the day. Luckily, my anxiety has been at relatively stable levels, despite my health anxiety induced panic attacks growing since having moderate heat exhaustion about a month ago.
The point of all of this is trying to lay out a point, mainly to myself. When I started my writing on here, I was passionate about it. I remember being here in the before times where there were few limits on what you couldn't have in your stories (i had stories with copyrighted lyrics and stuff at the time) and I remember just coming home from school, doing my homework and then just writing like mad, but since the anxiety had started up as bad as it has, things haven't been the same. It was effecting my home life, my school life, and even caused my grade in college to drop so low that I was kicked out. It's something I'm ashamed to admit, but it's the truth. Now the anxiety has just become so natural and so common to me, that it doesn't matter what I do my mind fogs up and I lose my motivation to do it just as quickly as I got it. I've been working on a chapter update for over 2 months, opening it up maybe 2-3 times a day...and I have around 400 words just because I've lost that drive to create and to continue things I've started, no matter how much I truly truly want to.
I'm not giving this as an excuse, because there doesn't need to be an excuse, but I'm putting this demon out here so that maybe I can overcome the irrationality that the few fans I have remaining after all of these years are disappointed with me and that I'm failing because I can't right a damn fanfic without giving up. Already by typing this I can fell that it's helping, but only time will tell.
So If you spent the time to listen to my rambling and whining, I thank you. Just the thought that someone out there understands what i'm dealing with and can relate makes me feel better.
Thank you all for sticking around with me,
CountDerpy
I'm glad you're okay now Derps.
wow im sorry to hear all this has happened to you, i've bin in your shoes on some of these things you've dealt with so i know how it can be. but never give up m8! keep hanging in there, it got better for me so it can get better for you too! :3
dont know if you believe in God or not, but it was him that helped me find much needed healing from my condition and a better life then i had. i know he could do the same for you to if you give him a chance, not trying to push my beliefs on ya or anything, just thought id present a option that you might not of put much thought into that i believe works from personal experience but anyway i sincerely hope things get better for you man i know some of those pains you go through all to well, looking forward to hopefully see more content from ya i love what you got goin on so far! :3
God bless.