The Night Shift · 9:02am May 20th, 2018
One of my favorite parts of cons (all three of them that I've been to, scattered over the last few years) is staying up past midnight. Like, well, well past midnight. I needed to write this blog right here, right now, sitting on a corner of the main hall at Everfree Northwest. I'm just sitting in a chair in a somewhat busy hall doing nothing at 1:31 AM. I'm talking to no one, I'm offering nothing of myself. But to capture the feeling I had to do it right here, because here is, for me at least, being a kind of extreme and somewhat antipathetic introvert, where the magic happens.
I have a kind of crippling and somewhat self-imposed inability to really open up to people quickly and efficiently. Introvert and all that. With people I already know, or a group I've slipped into, I can joke around and make a bit of a scene since they're right there, and I'm kind of "hidden" by the crowd and any faux-pas I make can be absorbed by the group and how silly it is, how silly we are, a bunch of grown-ass men being fans of ponies. But even then there's parts of me I keep to myself, out of fear of judgment, out of condescending and mean-spirited apathy, out of sheer stumbling tongue-tied paranoia. I speak better when I'm not talking. I write much better than I speak... usually. And that is why if you talk to me I will urge you to read my stories more than talk to me. What I say? That's just what I think people like to hear. What I write is the real me.
Okay, so, why am I sitting in a hall at 1:30 in the morning when everyone else is asleep? Because everyone else is not asleep. As I type this I can hear piano being played, con-goers wandering back and forth and making small talk, only reluctantly drifting away piecemeal or going off somewhere else, determined to stay up until the sun rises again. Even now, I'm pretty sure the gaming rooms are open and there's at least a dozen people in the tabletop room, if I want to compress the experience of arm's-length human contact down to a beige rectangle. I could just go up there and... be there.
See, I don't really... talk? To people? But I feel like I interact with them regardless. I never ignore anyone, not really. If someone comes up or speaks first hey, more power to you, I'll say hi and carry on a conversation. But even if they don't, I observe. I listen. I'm very good at listening, or I like to think so. But even that tires me, at least the one-on-one variety. It's not that I find people boring or I hate hearing about them, I just... don't have the mental acumen.
But even still. I crave contact of some kind. So I sit and listen like a sponge. That's how I interact with people. I sponge it all up. It's why I'm so flighty at cons. I get so little of this in my day to day. I mean, I do most of my work--indeed, most of my life-- on a computer. I love that kind of work, and yet I long to escape it. To go... somewhere else. Anywhere else. Conventions provide that. They give me relief. Knowledge that there is a world of people outside my little computer room, real people, friendly people (most of them, at least, I've met some real pieces of work at cons too), a world of little worlds unto themselves. Not just words on a screen. I've had more people just... initiate random conversation with me at cons than I ever have anywhere else, at all, in my entire life. Can you believe that? I think that's why I am such a huge proponent of the brony fandom being "special." More than anything else, I have come to understand friendship because of ponies. No no no - forget this idea that MLP is just a little girl's cartoon show. It was never just that. And we know it.
And I understand that feeling best at 1 AM at cons. Even now there are groups of friends wandering, sitting, playing. Safe from the world that demands networks but not relationships, involvement without understanding. I can sit here, in silence, and without expectation, without judgment, without anything but a badge to flash at people and smile... I can just be myself. I can be the weird guy who hovers around and types and constantly leaves conversations to drift off somewhere else, and nobody cares, or at least nobody seems to. I can enjoy human contact on my own terms, wholly and completely. The con badge is a great thing. We take one look at them and go "Ah, even if nothing else, there's the one thing that connects us. There's the one thing that bridges the hideous gap between people. We both like ponies!" and we can smile. There's someone else like me in the world.
I love Celestia, but I think I am ultimately loyal to Luna. The one who encourages life behind a shroud, beneath the protective veil of night. I don't want to sleep. I want to enjoy the sleepiness.
So, you know. I guess this rambling is just to say I'm glad ponies came along. It really did change things for me. I found friendship and even true love through it. I hope it changed things for you, even in some small way, for the better. Whoever "you" are, reading this right now. If you ever see a strange person with glasses and a Zecora bag wandering back and forth looking aimless and confused, well first, make sure it's me, because if it's someone else I can't guarantee they don't need help. But if it is me, I guess I'm fine. You can say hi if you want.
If nothing else, we can "Eyyyy" over con badges.
I love Celestia, but I think I am ultimately loyal to Luna.
I’ll make sure to harass you more tomorrow (today).
I'm glad you've found happiness.
I relate to this post way more than I would care to admit. It really does just encapsulate how I feel at a con. Just wondering around enjoying the atmosphere and flow of the con. Especially seeing as I just got home from another con (acen).