Possibly dying (?) · 7:15pm May 14th, 2018
Over the last month, my health has gone worse. It started with the usual dizzyness I’ve had all my life reoccurringly. And now I can barely leave my bed without having to hold onto something to keep from fainting.
I still visit school though. The past weeks I’ve had one test after the other, so I didn’t have time to visit a doctor. Now my doc is on holidays, and the one representing doc (not sure if this is correctly translated) has deported me via call.
Next week I’m on vacation for two weeks. I have no idea how it’s going to be. I assume I am going to faint on the street at some point, and maybe I’ll get an ambulance ride to the hospital near our camping place where my sister had gone to when she had an epileptic shock on our first day two years ago. (Still got a trauma from it)
My presumed diagnosis is aplastic anemia. My bone marrows don’t produce (enough) blood cells to keep me going.
I am one single test away from knowing that I’ll be needing blood transfusions and bone marrow transplants for the rest of my life.
I have you know that I am NOT joking about any of this and that I am very serious. Every other disease (depression, pneumonia, asthma,..) I had to figure out myself before I had gotten the official diagnosis. And my body has so far always been correct.
In all honesty, I feel like I am dying. Slowly dying. I wake up in the morning and I’m so exhausted I could just fall asleep again. This goes for 24/7 of the day as well. I have absolutely no energy, I can’t concentrate, I can barely walk. I have nearly fainted five times at school since it had gotten worse.
I am very pale everywhere. 50% of my body is always freezer temperatures. My lymph nodes have been swollen for months. My 14 weeks ago operated knee has become inflamed.
I’m at the end of my strength.
I love you all, and if this is the last blog I’ll post, I wish you all the best.
I hope there is still more time.. 
I’ll keep you in my prayers
I hope there’s a way for you to get better. Don’t give up
Oh goddesses...
I hope somehow you get better... At the very least, don't die! My heart goes out to you, friend...
*internet hug*
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Thank you, it means a lot to me that people actually care (omg that sounds so weird) about me!
So this is what’s been happening this past week:
We made it safely to the camping place. On the second day I fainted in a shop in front of my father (he was looking at some watches and didn’t even realize until I was on the floor lol). After some more ‘bad days’ (noticeably irregular heartbeat, constant dizziness, pain in limbs [from the bone marrows I guess]) and a very heated discussion in which my father accused me of “making up illnesses so I’ll never have to find a job”, he looked up symptoms of anemia. (I still haven’t told them about my hunch) That’s when he asked me about shortness of breath and irregular heartbeat. And the answer was/is “yes”.
So, two days ago I bought a wrist watch with touchscreen that monitors my heart. On another bad day this happened: we were walking with my dog when the black spots started dancing and my chest started stabbing again, and when I checked my pulse, it had spiked up to 180 and then kept skipping from 110 to 130 and back in a matter of seconds, for about ten minutes. After that it had dropped down to 70, which is where I almost fainted again.
I have been to my doc some years ago because of something like this happening to me a lot. And he didn’t take me seriously AT ALL.
Also, since my dad looked up anemia, they have me on a very vitamin-ish diet, plus vitamin tablets.
I guess it’s still too early to tell a difference but I don’t feel any different. My fear of really having this rare and deadly blood disease is getting stronger with each day that I’m still not feeling like I did years ago, or at least like I did last year.
Still anxiously waiting for this vacation to end and finally getting a blood test done. I hope it’s something else, I really do. I don’t like this feeling of constant anxiety and near heart attacks whenever I accidentally cut myself.
Also got sun burn that’s spreading all over my foot. Haven’t had a single, tiny bit sun burn in over 12 years and now that I’m suddenly a ghost, I can’t go into the sun for ten minutes without sun screen. I never used that stuff because it’s proven to cause cancer.
My world is crashing down around me ahahahahahahahahaaaaaahaaaaaaa......
Hope you have a nice day/night/weekend/holidays