Feedback on an opener? · 9:11am Feb 24th, 2018
Can I get your opinions on an intro to a chapter? Something about it isn’t sitting right with me and I can’t place it. The setting is Twilight Sparkle in the middle of a hardcore study session.
Here it is:
It is common knowledge among the unicorn librarians of Equestria that any sizeable collection of tomes contained within a room achieves something just shy of cognizance. This is why many of them treat their collections as old friends.
The library of Twilight’s crystal castle had been through bad days and good days during its relatively short period of existence. The worst day was easily determined, it was when a portion of it had been destroyed by Tirek and the scarce survivors had been relocated. The best day, however, was more difficult to place. Though the library was incapable of thought or emotion on the grand scale, some part of it still enjoyed being used and having a purpose. It was for this reason that despite the mounting clutter all across its floor, despite the complete lack of any organization of its books, despite the unbearable cacophony, the library considered this one of the good days.
Twilight Sparkle sat in the middle of the incredible mess like ground zero for some strange paper bomb. Occasionally the sound of relentless note taking would break into frantic crinkling which would then lead to the throwing of a ball of parchment, still wet with ink, that would roll lazily away to join its cousins that lay scattered around like leaves. The complete domination of the floor by these scraps of discarded paper was prevented only by the occasional haphazard pile of books or impromptu inkwell of some shape or size, such as a repurposed glass bottle or mason jar...
Thanks in advance,
LucidTech
Um, I'm not good enough to notice what, sorry.
4804446
That's fine, thanks for giving it a look anyway.
Seems fine to me. Enough professionalism to woo in the readers, but not too much so that the ones which don't like complication would turn away. A fairly good mix.
Dragon
Not bad at all, it has a whiff of that pratchettian whimsy that so enhances opening shots like this. It evokes a clear image even if the reader somehow has no idea what twilight's castle looks like, and an even sharper image if they do. Further, after setting the scene it gives a nice bit of character for twilight before she even says a word.
As to the nitpicking, some readers might find it rather wordy? My processing speed for the written word is immense, so I am a very bad judge of appropriate word counts.
Also, the library considers today to be a good day because it is being used, but we do not immediately see it being used. Twilight can litter anywhere, if the library is essential to the process then it should be made readily apparent. "Scrolls and tomes of innumerable variety swirled through the air, coming to rest briefly before the frenetic alicorn before once again whizzing off into the stacks; only to be replaced by even weightier volumes." Something like that, something to demonstrate the library's contribution to the effort and explain it's satisfaction.