Feb
19th
2018
Can we do this now? I think we can do this now. · 7:01pm Feb 19th, 2018
Ladies and gentlemen, the Equestria Girls franchise antagonists, ranked from best to worst, with supporting factual evidence.
(Spoilers for Forgotten Friendship, obvs. Also please pretend that every instance of the phrase "Giant Woman" contains a YouTube link to the appropriate Steven Universe song, thank you.)
1. The Dazzlings, Rainbow Rocks
- Like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, are arguably just doing what they do naturally and trying to survive
- Pretty good dancers (apparently their singing is crap and only due to amulet power but, I'm sorry, no amulet in the world can take credit for those hips)
- Are not Giant Women, are literally huge flying sea monsters and thus totally metal
2. Midnight Sparkle, The Friendship Games
- A Giant Woman, but is not super in-your-face about it, classy
- Shows that a human form with a unicorn horn is not impossible, raising the question of why the character designs don't feature this more often
- World-destroying rifts created by her are the only reason we got to see any actual ponies in this movie, bonus
- Wanted to annihilate entire Equestria Girls world in order to experience actual Equestria where there's magic and stuff and after three movies I was all like, "yeah, I see her point"
3. Gloriosa Daisy, The Legend of Everfree
- A bit more in-your-face about being a Giant Woman but her overall floatiness disguises this fact
- You can kind of get where she's coming from since Human!Filthy Rich is inexplicably an enormous tool
- I have not yet forgiven her for not literally being Gaia Everfree, rendering that character functionally nonexistent
- Bonus fact: Has a brother who is clearly a werewolf of some kind why is no one calling him on this
4. Sunset Shimmer, Equestria Girls
- Preliminary fact: Perpetuation of the franchise requires us to find a new name for this movie like how Star Wars used to just be called Star Wars but now everyone correctly refers to it as A New Hope
- Had a stupid plan for taking over Equestria
- Raw stupidity of Sunset Shimmer's plan requires multiple entire facts to completely encapsulate
- Apologists have informed me that the Army of Teenage Zombies was just some sort of brilliant Sun Tzu-style feint and that she had an actual good plan up her sleeve; in my native country, we refer to these people as "wrong"
- Pressed into masonry work to make amends for her bad behavior, feels legit because I know from experience that pouring cement sucks on butt
- The original Giant Woman, giving her a pass because trendsetter
- Can transform humans into winged demon servitors; metal rating off the charts
5. Juniper Montage, Magical Movie Night
- Lack of flying ability makes her Giant Woman status truly obnoxious, forced to appear in-frame unacceptably often with normal-sized women
- Does not seem to understand that "Film PA" and "Major Hollywood Movie Star" are actually two separate career paths
- Actually delivers the line "pick uppeth this poppage of corn" with zero irony or self-consciousness
- Complete fscking psycho hose beast
- Did not intentionally try to murder heroes by casting them into the howling lightless void between worlds; "merely" sought to banish them to the cornfield for all eternity where at least she could occasionally throw them some Raisinets or something
- Punished for bad behavior by becoming instant HiE-grade friends with all main characters; sends terrible message to all bronies everywhere (cf. Starlight Glimmer)
6. Wallflower Blush, Forgotten Friendship
- Is at the very least not a Giant Woman, but it only gets worse from there
- Sets herself up as an honorary inductee to the Council of Shy Ponies but crispy dandere waifu candy shell actually conceals unpleasant total hag cream filling
- This is literally how it goes: Violently and intentionally erase people's memories of you and then proceed to go all ax crazy because people don't remember you; seriously what
- Waah waah just shut the hell up
- Permanently and irrevocably stole moments from other peoples' lives to make herself feel better; there is no joke here, I just wanted to lay that out
- Also punished for bad behavior by becoming instant HiE-grade friends with all main characters but at least Juniper Montage would have given you Raisinets
Vitruvius, can I get a judgment call?
Thank you, sir.
Honorable mention: Abacus Finch Cinch, The Friendship Games
- Is a Giant Woman by birth, not by ambition
- Seriously, everybody else can use the Sméagol defense due to the brain-warping effects of dark magic; Cinch is just that way, all the time
- Admittedly gets a pretty cool song
- We get it, you rhotacize your "r" sounds
- I can actually imagine dating every single person on this list except her
So Cinch was always
secretlythe best one.Got it.
I like your ranking. The only change I might make is to put Sunset Shimmer either second or third on the list and accordingly move everyone else down a notch.
Also I genuinely can't tell if you're serious with some of these bullet points, but... I... if you are, then I can't help but feel that a lot of this show's flying over your head.
I mean, I don't want to say "stop having fun wrong", but it's more like, "there's a lot of fun you're missing out on because mission statements are a thing and recognizing them for what they are is a really good way to have that fun"
Talking about retribution and what characters "deserve" for their actions with regards to this show in Current Year is just so... I feel like I'm in a timewarp here.
4800651
Bookish, this post is entirely comedy.
EDIT: Well, except for the bit about unicorn horns on humans. Why not, I ask?
That sounds like a purely personal problem to me.
Admittedly, it's one that more likely than not affects most people (myself included), but it still sounds like a purely personal problem to me.
Yeah, the sirens relied on their magic instead of vocal training. Turns out destroying a vital organ attached to the larynx interferes with musical capability. Who'd have thought?
And now I want to see Timber!wolf bowing before a very confused Vice Principal Luna. Hmm. I do have an AU where that's completely legit, beyond needing to inflict lycanthropy on the poor boy...
Let me get back to you on this.
Does claiming that she did have a better plan she abandoned in favor of the teenage zombie army when she went mad with demonic power count as apologism?
Just so we're clear, is this a pro or a con?
This is your brain on magic. Any questions?
I can't really argue with the list, mostly because I'm having trouble putting one together. The different capabilities and motivations make this feel like an apples-and-oranges comparison to me, and we're not even dealing with an Applejack who's gone mad with power. Still, salient and entertaining points all around.
4800653
I initially thought so too but a fair amount of lines stuck out to me. Still, if this is the case, then please, ignore me, and carry on.
(But you must understand it is freaking impossible to tell on this site, and has been since the S5 finale. Quite frankly, I don't think any jury or you would convict me.
)
4800655
It would honestly depend on what that plan was. I would need to be convinced.
I... I haven't decided
4800656
I have totes updated my tags to remove all doubt.
This is my favorite thing right now, even if you're wrong. :D
4800653
It's less of a question of "why not" and more a matter of "look, if we loose the leash on the fanartists even a tiny bit, one day we'll turn around and the apocalypse will have happened: no human head unpointed.
Not on my derpibooru.
4800663
ONE HORN GOOD
NO HORN BAD
I'd put Juniper, Gloriosa, and Wallflower at the top.
Cinch and the Shadowbolts behind them.
4800667
TWO HORNS THE DEVIL
4800662
You are overlooking the fact that my opinions are objectively true on a molecular level and cannot be questioned.
4800670
FOUR HORNS THE ZANDRA
Thanks, I guess, for drawing my attention to the disturbing trend that the best way to become BFFs with the mane six is to be introduced as a supervillain. Sure, there's a chance of getting atomized like Sombra, but if you succeed in getting your plan foiled by the defenders of harmony, you stand a good chance of making it into their inner circle. Maybe a real villain would notice this and try to play the long game.
I don't know about the big giant woman, cuz I didn't see that one, due to it never really crossing my radar. To be honest, I only watched this one because people kept posting screenshots of Sunset and Princess Celestia huggin', and I couldn't pass that up. I have to say though, Celestia kinda trolled Sunset pretty hard at the beginning there. What with that long, imperious stare, followed by an "I've missed you". Ah, ya sure? Didn't look like it for a minute there.
Oh and has anyone acknowledged that sick burn Sunny delivered? "Princess Celestia has a sense of humor? Looks like I'm not the only one who's changed." 🔥 🔥 🔥
I was actually pretty interested by the shades of background pony this plot gave off, and having an upset outcast antagonist isn't a bad thing per se. Still, fo' real, how do you not expect people to forget you when you literally erase their memories of you?
I can't argue with this list.
Seriously, I can't argue with this list - my Steven Universe Season 1 DVD arrived last week and I STILL have Giant Woman running round my head. IT WILL NEVER LEAVE!!!
I take it you didn't like Forgotten Friendship much.
Then again, Rainbow Rocks towers over the other EqG movies/specials, so I'm not exactly hyped about it myself.
Oh hello, new go-to phrase. What a pleasant surprise to see you here.
4800655
... shit.
Holy shit.
I cannot argue with a single one of those points. The only thing I'd disagree with is rankings, I'd stick Sunset at the bottom of 'worst villain' as she at least is supposed to be smart and able to plan better then this, the other two were just stupid teenagers being stupid teenagers. But YAY! Glad I'm not the only one that couldn't take Wallflower at all seriously as a 'villain' and realized this was all her own damn fault! The only one of the 'redeemable' villains that I have felt not one tiny hint of sympathy for.
4800762
I actually enjoyed the heck out of it. I thought it had some really nice one-liners, the stakes were massive, and Sunset's act of heroism managed to be a real gut punch. It could have been cheeseball, but it was handled really well.
And I'm not yet sick of the "musical numbers as real things in-universe" gag.
4800765
4800655
Oh, and yes, now you have discovered my headcanon for what would happen were Timber to go through the portal...
4800653
The version I heard is that the original doll prototypes did have horns. But some unspecified production issues caused them to be removed for the final versions.
Since all Hasbro productions are ultimately to sell toys once the dolls lost them the flash models lost them too.
Supposedly there are prototype photos and concept art lurking the web if you're willing to spend the effort to find them.
Sunset was way past the point of smart plans. She was angry to the point of idiocy. Her “replacement” coming through the mirror after her pushed Sunset over the edge. The simple, smart path was to just steal the crown again. But Sunset just wanted to show that she was better than Twilight; there was no logic beyond that.
Celestia and co. could annihilate/subdue anything Sunset brought through the mirror, especially considering the single-file entry. Might as well bring something they had to they handle with care.
4800790
Thanks for the intel!
This is fantastic as both analysis and satire of analysis. 10/10, would candy shell again.
I don't really care all that much for Midnight Sparkle or SciTwi, but:
Got a chuckle out of me.
I personally like the idea that Wallflower was less the villain than Gollum, manipulated by the insidious powers of the memory stone.
One of the chaps in ponythread wondered why Clover hand'tdestroyed the stone, and that got me thinking. Magic Stones in Equestria appear to have a sort of psuedo-sentience, so maybe the STONE ITSELF made Clover forget he hadn't destroyed the instructions, or the idea to take it back to destroy it, in self-preservation. Maybe the only reason that the girls were able to destroy the stone is that the magic of friendship IS more powerful than the stone's own magic; otherwise, they might just have forgotten what they were doing when they tried...
Maybe the stone WAS influencing Wallflower via everyone else's memories. Maybe it wasn't co-incidence that led her to uncover it, but it subtly influencing her with subconscious memories from Clover - after all, it was the MEMORY stone, not the forgetting stone - nothing to say it might have been able to do something in reverse if one knew how or to preserve itself.
I had been half-expecting the reveal for why no-one remembered who she was to have been osmosis from her being in the garden where the stone was and was disappointed that wasn't the case as directly stated. But it, to me, is too good an idea to let go: Wallflower apparently being so forgettable just doesn't seem very plausible without influence (Canterlot High has PINKIE in it for crying out loud) - it's just too good an idea to waste.
I agree with this list generally, though I will agree with 4800655 that's Sunset's dumb plan was the result of dark magic brain damage, like Trixie thinking she could surround Ponyville in a giant dome and the Princesses wouldn't show up to stop her eventually. I think her original plan was that she would just turn into an alicorn from the crown, walk through the portal, and Celestia would be forced to make her a princess? (Not saying it's a great plan, saying it's better than zombie teenagers who, you seem to have forgotten, would also be trying to fight while turned into Equines for the first time ever).
But I do think the Shadowbolts should be added to the list. Not near the top, but on the list. Also, are you not grading on a curve for age? Wallflower is like 15 or 16, seems unfair to compare her with ancient Lovecraftian sea monsters with mind control powers.
Yeah, I know. If they're going to just dip into the writing team's Monsterhearts campaign for inspiration for these featurettes, fine, but they could hide their tracks a little better.
Ghosty ghost. You're dead.
4800830
Thank you for an interesting word that led to an interesting Wikipedia search. I had never previously heard of this game apparently?
I saw the first three movies but haven't gotten around to the rest. I do like to think I'm at least keeping up on the news, though. That was why I was surprised that I'd never heard of Magical Movie Night. Is this another episode-length short?
This is a good way to start the day.
Wait, what?
But she had the best plan. I refer you to a previous comment:
The only flaw was that she got a little too vigorous in destroying the masonry and ended up needing to pour some cement. Because I can't argue there, that just sucks.
4800840
Three loosely-connected standard-length episodes lumped together in a single purchasable product: Dance Magic, Movie Magic and Mirror Magic.
4800845
IT SEEMS OBVIOUS TO ME
WHY DOES NO ONE ELSE NOTICE
4800853
Juniper and now Wallflower have proven the process can be done more efficiently.
4800834
It's off into the indie weeds, chasing after Apocalypse World, and one of those games that's not so much about playing Happy Families as it is about acting in a drama with shifting allegiances. Needs a certain amount of detachment from your character and willingness to make terrible decisions that might make for interesting drama.
The conceit is that YA supernatural romance monsters are compelling for the same reason horror monsters are compelling - horror monsters reflect some extreme part of the human condition, so YA horror monsters reflect some extreme part of the yawning vortex of teen drama. You've just got to rotate it back 90 degrees for EQG, so that instead of channeling dark powers to randomly project blame and hurt anyone you blamed because you're an unquiet ghost confused by your own death, you channel dark powers to randomly project blame and hurt anyone you blamed because you're confused by your own lack of a social life.
4800909
On the contrary, Wallflower had to reset the entire process with memory magic like thirty times before she managed to get properly redeemed. The show only showed us the last one.
Man, somebody's hung up on Giant Women. (Giant Womans?)
I imagine this is a pretty good summation of Skywriter's afternoon.
i.pinimg.com/736x/5b/02/21/5b022130eca0401c8356fa8356e226a4--blue-beetle-artemis.jpg
4800912
Sounds kind of fun? Thanks for letting me know it exists!
4800958
It's just that there's so many of them...
Who? the name's not ringing a bell.
4800900
Clearly I need to rewatch the movie. I tended to sort of tune out any scene involving Timber, since he completely lacked Flash's dorky charm.
Werewolf might explain that though...
4800923
....
....
....
pre00.deviantart.net/2b29/th/pre/i/2017/200/9/5/twilight_scared_faic_by_pink1ejack-dbgvrw8.png
My apology: Sunset could have secured a take-over of Equestria within 5 minutes with the resources of her school of personal zombies:
1). Send Scootaloo through the portal with demonic Snips and Snails.
2). Have them Inform the Princesses and Mane 5 waiting in the room on the other side that Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle are being held, along with Twilight, on the other side of the portal.
3). Insist they all go through the portal, or said hostages will “get it.”
4). Restrain now disoriented, Magic-less rulers of Equestria with teenage zombies when they arrive.
5). Return through the portal with Principal Celestia and Vice Principal Luna, under her control.
6). Destroy the Mirror.
7). Have puppet-Alicorn Celestia and Luna publicly announce Sunset as their advisor and name her their successor.
8). After getting the hang of things, have Celestia and Luna “retire”.
Boom. Equestria is hers.
As for Wallflower, So many people don’t seem to get the lesson inherent in her. If you’re a wallflower, it really is your own doing...that’s the point. And people totally do resent others for things that they do to themselves, because things just seem so much easier for others. That’s why I quite liked her as a villain... She seems like an actual messed up human. Which may indeed really be the worst, I suppose.
I assumed that Sunset's naive understanding of technology and a course on 20th century history caused her to vastly overestimate the combat capability of a random human.
4800992
I see what you did there.
4801057
Very devious!
(Clearly not what she was intending, but devious nonetheless.)