My Little Pony: The Silent Movie Dub – Full Spoilers!

As a cartoon connoisseur, I know when an animated movie is going to be so bad it threatens to melt faces like Raiders of the Lost Ark, but I saw a second of the intro and I thought, well, I need to watch this for the animation. I put the movie on mute and started watching, so here is the entire plot of the movie!

The movie opens with a gorgeous fly through of Canterlot, which was clearly copied from a popular Gary’s Mod. The ponies have gathered for the Summer Sun festival. Twilight is standing in the castle trying to calm down from the social anxiety of being invited to stand on stage and do nothing while Luna raises the moon for the first half of the festival and again when Celestia raises the sun the following day. Stepping into the throne room, Twilight demonstrates how her main color causes a saturation in pony’s eyes that will cause the ponies seeing the princesses crowns as white and gold during the day and blue and black during the night causing a needless argument during and after the celebration. Since she is the princess of friendship, she wants to avoid fights, and just have fun. Spike does a little dance to demonstrate this. The princesses Celestia, Luna, and Marketing Ploy, tell Twilight that she’s not getting out of it because they need a fourth pony to balance the stage placement.

Back in Canterlot, Discord has turned himself into a pony condom that Pinkie Pie is trying to bring back to full form by tying him into a balloon animal of his former self. She fails to tie the knot tightly enough and Discord goes shooting to the left, popping off camera, causing Fluttershy’s birds to fly off, except for the one that is afraid to fly which only flutters up to perch on Fluttershy’s hoof. Discord is dead and is never seen or spoken of again.

Near the stage, Applejack has just return with another shipment of hard apple cider and calls up to Rainbow Dash who is helping Rarity dress the stage. Rarity is appalled at Rainbow Dash’s work ethic as she is so drunk, she can’t tie a proper bow. She makes a comment about there being too many alcohol vendors at these parties, then apologizes to AJ, who replies not to worry because she’ll cut Rainbow Dash off when she starts taking out buildings.

Twilight arrives with a checklist with Spike at her side. Spike greets everypony with a blush and stays close to Twilight because of the advances RD made toward him the last time she was cidered up. Twilight sees the blue diamonds on the bows and freaks out because it clashes with the yellow frosting Pinkie Pie told her to use for the free cupcakes hoofed out after the sunset. Pinkie Pie literally gets in Twilight’s face and goes on a rant about how lemon is the only true flavor for summer and if you’re going to have a celebration for the summer, it has to be with lemons. Then she adds a comment about especially with hot sauce which has the other ponies looking off in quiet disbelief.

Rainbow Dash suggests she have some fun before the big show, and they go off on what looks like a musical montage of watching the Wonder Bolt show, getting glamor shots, Fluttershy’s birds with aerophobia awareness booth, and a pie eating contest. Twilight goes flying on her own talking herself up by reminding herself that being a princes doesn’t actually mean doing anything, just showing up, and acting nice, which she always does. Pinkie is getting hot and bothered on an exercise eggbeater over a giant bowl of cake batter, and says that in tonight’s orgy she is going to go off like a rocket where upon we see Trixie lighting a set of fireworks for emphasis. She works with Cheese Sandwich to construct a sex dungeon while the rest of the town finally finishes the musical number.

After a moment of pointless banter, the Ponies In Black show up escorting an alien pony who has no eyes. Her people see through echolocation and because of this have developed beautiful singing voices. She asks Twilight as the princess of friendship for amnesty for her people on this planet as hers was taken over by alien invaders. Twilight agrees, but moments later the alien’s ozone murdering spaceship lands in front of everypony where a little alien, who I later realize is the anthropomorphic representation of the deadly sin of gluttony. Is carrying out an overly large translating device and announces that his people have selected a local translator to speak on their king’s behalf. The king’s banner is unfurled and the ponies stare disturbed at how the king’s symbol resembles that of a well known devil worship cult.

A goth cultist unicorn with a broken horn steps from the ship, and starts monologuing about how now that Discord is dead, the devil who couldn’t stand Discord’s nonsense, has tracked the singing aliens through the stars, and has at last returned to enslave Equestria. Ponies who obey will be rewarded; ponies who disobey will be punished. Luna tells her to FO, at which point two other ships containing protoss zealots show up and start laying siege to Canterlot. The princesses, except for twilight are turned into crystal pylons by devil magic the likes of which Equestria has never known. Seeing a spell pony-to-pylon orb thrown her way, Twilight switches places with Derpy, sacrificing her to escape (so much for princess of friendship). Falling down a waterfall, the mane seven escape the protoss siege.

After a moment of shock the ponies and Spike decide that their only choice is to look for a new place to live and start wandering off toward Thorax’s hive. Back in Canterlot, the protoss have used all of Pinkie’s bondage equipment to enslave the town. The cultist unicorn with the broken horn has the devil poured from a bottle into a bowl, where he rises up in blue flame and has a monologue explaining that he can only maintain his true form when he has the magic power of all three alicorns and Princess Marketing Ploy. Cultist unicorn promises to lead the forces to find her.

The mane seven are traveling through the desert where Thorax’s hive used to be, but in their shock completely forgot that after the changelings transformed they tore down their old hive to move to a greener land. Now in the middle of the desert everypony is starting to fear that they are going to die up to their eyeballs in sand, however, just then they find an entrance into Studio Ghibili’s spirit world. A creepy vender asks if Twilight would like to trade in her horn for something more in season. The birds here are terrifying soul eaters that speak things so horrible that even Fluttershy makes no protest to their caging. Twilight tries to help a creature here, but he becomes upset saying that if she does the work he will never pay off his debt to Yubaba at the bath house.

Pinkie Pie offers her sexual services to help raise money for the group’s new home, A crowd surrounds them and starts making offers for unacceptable sex acts. At this point The Cat from the cat returns runs up and warns the natives that they must all have a strange STD because of their unnaturally bright colors. He proceeds to trick one of the locals into believing he caught it by discretely splatting him with squashed fruit. The crowd runs off and the ponies thank the cat for protecting them. The cat invites the ponies back to his place for acceptably vanilla sex acts, with a promise to pay top bit to help them start on their new lives. After a musical number about the dangers of the spirit world, The group makes it to his place.

Having found the ponies’ corpses in the desert, but still needing Twilight’s living alicorn power to give corporeal form to the devil, cultist unicorn, has been sent to into the spirit world to find her. Knocking some of the locals senseless, she quickly learns where to find them. Having gotten a little carried away, Rarity repairs the damages she made to the cat’s jacket with her magic. Instead of joining in on the fun, Twilight has learned that there is away to return to the land of the living from one of the books and map in the cat’s house. The cat tries to convince them to stay because going back only means dying again later. The cultist along with a protoss catch up with them and knock them flying toward an airship port. Pinkie discovers her powers of tooniness don’t work here forcing Twilight to rescue her. They land on a departing airship. The cultist captures the cat and forces him to tell her where they went.

The crew of the airship, who are all anthropomorphic bipedal birds, find the ponies some hours after leaving dock. The captain looks in her union bureaucracy handbook to see what they should do about these stowaways, but luckily the lunch whistle goes off. The ponies find themselves eating with the crew as the captain explains that she works for Yubaba on loan to the devil, who just to make their afterlives more miserable force everyone to follow extremely strict rules. Feeding everyone on the ship at meal times whether they want to eat or not is one of those rules. The captain ends up telling the ponies how her crew were pirates in life. Twilight shares the secret of returning to life by traveling through this one place, at which point the crew dons their pirate gear presumably singing You Are a Pirate. Near the end of the musical number the captain’s ship gives a beautiful mating display by spreading out it’s wings, and in her excitement Rainbow Dash preforms a sonic rainboom giving away their location to the cultist’s ship.

Unable to die again, Rainbow Dash takes up sword lessons from the captain because there is no inherent danger. Then cultist’s ship shows up. The ponies make a get away by sneaking into the hull, sky diving out from the bottom, and making a hot air balloon while falling. After regaining flight, they head straight toward the place where they need to go to get back into the land of the living, which we can now see is Fantasia’s Ivory Tower. Finding Twilight’s map, the cultist is upset at the cat for not telling her that the ponies knew about the Ivory Tower and destroys the ship while she is standing on it presumably the fall would scare the others, but I guess she is used to such extremes for being a cultist in the first place.

Back at the Ivory Tower, the mane seven pass the Sphinxes which apparently only guard against the living or maybe the evil into an abandoned city. Hearing something, they work their way into a very beautiful pool with a gorgeously elaborate alien writing on the wall that obviously reads “No life guard on duty. Please bathe before entering pool.“ It turns out that the pool is a magic portal that has carried them into another dimension half way between life and death. They are taken to the throne room where MoonChild (remember: that’s the Childlike Empress's new name) and her daughter explain that the only way out of the land of the dead is to be reincarnated, but they took this magic with them when they teleported to underneath the ice capped oceans of Europa, one of the moons of Jupiter in the year 1984, where they reincarnated as seaponies to remain completely hidden from the devil in any way that he can think to look for them.

Now knowing this, they must also be brought back to life in this way. However, Spike has ended up as a puffer fish and doesn’t like it. Twilight swims up to MoonChild and asks her to turn Spike into a seapony as well, MoonChild explains that she cannot, that the rest of them were lucky to all become seaponies and not pufferfish themselves. Then she tucks the orb back into it’s hiding spot. MoonChild is called away for other important matters and her daughter is left feeling sad that she never gets to spend time with her mom anymore. Pinkie Pie is determined to cheer her up by breaking into a chorus of Shoo-bidoo (Call Upon the SeaPonies). After the song Twilight is found trying to get the orb to reincarnate Spike into a seapony. Twilight explains that she has always wanted Spike and her to have the same form, but MoonChild explains that reincarnating someone who is already alive causes them to grow out of their body in bone breaking agony, and being unforgiving does so upon all of them so that the next time they come back, they won’t make this same mistake.

Miraculously, the mane seven are back in their original bodies, and MoonChild magiced them back to their own time and space. Pinkie Pie really goes off on Twilight calling her something nasty enough to make the rest of the ponies recoil in shock. Pinkie Pie was really happy being a seapony and is understandably angry at Twilight for the pain Twilight’s actions just brought upon her. She says now she has to live a whole life time before getting to be a seapony again at which point Twilight turns around and says maybe she’ll send her back herself. The other five are horrified and Twilight realizes she just threatened to kill one of her friends.

Twilight sits on a rock and starts pouring her heart out to Spike about how all of this fluidity between life and death is really getting to her and she is losing her sense of what is real, normal, acceptable, and right. She no longer has a point of reference to measure her actions. Spike can’t reply because he has been captured by a protoss and she is captured in a cage and raised up into the hull of the cultist’s ship.

With nothing else left, Twilight asks why this pony is helping the devil. She sings that when she was a foal, she was abandoned by her friends after having her horn broke off by an ursa. After that they wouldn’t associate with her even betrayed her because of her physical imperfection. She started seeing the devil’s way of looking at things – to treat ponies as means to an end and not rely on friends, so every time her horn starts regrowing, she breaks it off again to remind herself never to trust in the concept of friends.

Back at the beach, the element bearers have talked it over and realized that after all of the crazy shit they have been through Twilight threatening to kill Pinkie Pie in that instance really wasn’t the most shocking thing they have been through recently. Spike, having escaped the protoss, runs up to them and explains that Twilight has been kidnapped. They all agree to attempt a rescue. At that point The Cat Returns and explains that it turns out that bursting out of a recently reincarnated body is the only way to return to one’s original body. He’s also heard everything and wants to help. The pirate birds have also taken this route to get back and even though they don’t have an airship they want to help Twilight for helping them escape the doldrums of the afterlife. Then MoonChild’s daughter appears in her original body, which turns out is the common ancestor between ponies and griffons, and says that after a thousand years of boring she was willing to explode through her own body just to get out and have some fun again.

Back at Canterlot, the protoss have turned the city into a BDSM dungeon with emphasis on pet play. The alien pony is trying to sing songs to make everypony feel normal, but the protoss bang on her cage to let her know she is ruining the scene. At this point Twilight is paraded past the alien pony making Twilight realize she totally abandoned her promise to try to shelter the ponies of the alien world. Moved into the throne room, Twilight sees the devil has been made manifest by the power of two alicorns and Princess Marketing Ploy, but still needs her power to be able to leave the castle and bring about hell on Equestria. After absorbing the princesses’ power, he begins doing some magical stretching exercises by moving the sun and moon.

At the Canterlot gates, the cat and the ponies pull the old pony drawn Trojan Cake bit to enter the city. AJ has to remind Pinkie that most ponies feel embarrassed about public bondage and she needs to act appropriately embarrassed to fit in. The deadly sin of gluttony can’t stop himself from trying the Trojan Cake and realizes that it’s full of birds. The Jig is up and everyone bursts forth fighting. The devil, having mastered his corporeal power again, summons a tornado to surround the castle and prevent the others from getting any closer. The cultist unicorn confronts him and says that it is time that she got her end of the bargain, which is to be transformed into faithful hellspawn. The devil laughs and says that one lifetime of service is not enough to earn such an honor. She runs in front of him and demands payment at which point the devil tries to kill the cultist. Knocked backwards, the cultist is hanging on to the railing threatened to be sucked into the tornado when Twilight comes to the rescue. The cultist asks why Twilight would save her, and she replied that any time a person remembers that good can be done, good should be done, and nothing else matters. The devil hears this and is completely disgusted taking a moment to monologue about the pointlessness of such poetry then aims to kill them.

Meanwhile, the other five element bearers shoot themselves out of a cannon through the tornado, plowing right into the devil and knocking away his staff. The staff goes nuts shooting bolts of lighting that rip the castle to shreds and burying the cultist in the rubble. Twilight and the others form a chain to get the staff as the devil jumps on toppled rocks to get to it. After grabbing the staff, the devil jumps onto Twilight causing both of them to fly into the sky. The cultist has unburried herself at the last moment to see this. A moment later the storm calms and Twilight descends angelically holding the staff. The cultist pony watches Twilight and her friends embrace as the devil climbs up from the balcony and prepares to throw a pony-to-pylon orb. The cultist runs into the crystal, ramming into the devil, as the two of them turn into pylons, and fall to shatter into uncountable pieces. However, Twilight catches the cultist using the magic of the staff (because she hasn’t had a chance to pull her own magic out of it yet), pull her to safety, and return her to flesh. The cultist rams the staff into the ground upside down returning the magic and life to the princesses. As this magic works its way outward, it returns Derpy and presumably all other ponies back to flesh.

After the ceremony of raising the moon, the alien pony thanks everyone involved for killing the devil and giving her people a place to live, then preforms a song on stage with several other alien ponies as backup singers. Rarity gives the cat a copy of the cape and hat that he wore in The Cat Returns. Then MoonChild flies in having heard about the the death of the devil and reincarnated back to her original form. She and her daughter embrace. She then says that without royal duties she can embarrass her daughter in public more often.

The concert continues and Twilight spots the Cultist pony on the outskirts. They talk. The cultist explains that she thought the devil’s bureaucracy protected against betrayal that tit for tat was always the right way. Twilight says that it’s always hard to remember what is right when you’ve been through too much, but repeats the line before: that any time a person remembers that good can be done, good should be done, and nothing else matters. The cultist then says that there is not much she can do, but now is a good time to start. She then uses her magic to cause fireworks in the sky above the party. As Twilight and the ex-cultist pony head back to the party, the ex-cultist says there is one thing she is going to miss about devil worship. Pinkie Pie rushes in excited and promises to keep it a secret if she will tell her. The ex-cultist whispers into Pinkie’s ear, I read her lips, and… I’m just not going to repeat that. Pinkie joyfully screams best new friend ever.

Roll credits.

Edit: For some reason, people around me are calling this a parody. One called it "crack fiction", which I had to look up. My response to this is: no, no, it is not. This is not a joke, I really did watch the movie muted, and this is my interpretation of the events on screen. A related term to "crack fiction" is "abridged series" but there is nothing abridged about it. The only thing "cut out" of my interpretation is the original audio, everything else lines up exactly how it happened on screen - nothing added, nothing else removed.

I also want to make it very clear that this is not an insult to the show itself. This is my raw interpretation. Yes, it is funny; that's how my mind works. Having watched the movie with it's original audio afterward, I have decided that I do mean every iota of insult to the writers of this movie. Six years before the movie in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic S1E20 "Green Isn't Your Color" starting at 47 seconds, the spa ponies come into the room to file down Rarity's horn, showing that unicorns horns constantly grow like fingernails. The very idea that a spa would file down a horn that doesn't grow back has the same credence as a spa in human land that files down your nose, so the entire character arc of Tempest is based on "Ooh~ I broke a nail." There were SIXTEEN writers on this movie, and not one of them bothered to watch the show to see if they were writing something that was complete BS. Yes, they should all feel very stupid, line up at conventions while singing this song, and have people throw rotten fruit at them (like coconuts for example).

Comments

[Chatoyance]

Better than the actual movie.