WWBP: Aragon's Birthday was on a Wednesday How Convenient · 9:24am Oct 19th, 2017
So here's where I gotta write about my best friend or something, right? I sent him a present, but shipping to Spain from Australia is a hassle. Words are cheap so let's get thrifty.
In his honour, I'm going to talk about really dumb stuff I saw happen, and go into way too much depth about it.
Let's start with this:
This is an actual stall from my university's market day.
There are so many things I love about this sign I saw on my university campus. I tried not to look like the world's biggest asshole squatting down to take this photo of the sign next to her tent. But then I realized that was just my truth in advertising, so I got right on down there and took several.
As you can see, that's not some sign or bollard blocking the number in the first shot: Half the number is being blocked by the sign-holder itself, because advertising. Just having the number on the sign is enough for people to be able to know what it is, that's the important thing isn't it? If people see the sign, and the number is on the sign, then they're going to know the number.
Let's run down some key details here:
First of all, this might seem minor, but that is a terrible font. Look at it! The random changes between line thickness that doesn't really correlate to any one key specific idea is astonishing. This font has the internal self-consistency of Republican party policy.
Second, that picture. That profound, thoughtful look with the god-rays coming in from behind on white? You look me dead in the eye and tell me it doesn't look like she's watching a homeless man pull down his pants in a public park and is trying to figure out how disgusted she's about to be.
Third, Angel Readings is incredibly ambiguous. What does that mean? Does she read to you what angels tell her? Does she read what angels are telling you? Does she read to you about angels?
Well. She does provide Reiki, Energy and Angel Therapy, angel therapy being the key one here, which is therapy for your angels, obviously. Unless you need therapy about your angels? This is very possible. You haven't been paying to have them properly read to, and angels are very intelligent pets that easily grow bored and restless without proper stimulation.
Reiki, meanwhile, is Japanese for "spiritual energy", which means she's advertising energy, energy and angel therapy. I'm inclined to believe the first two are exactly the same, but the first option is performed entirely in Japanese upon request. I see absolutely no reason to believe this clearly upstanding hobo-starer-atter would use a foreign cultural term unless she truly had a deep understanding of that culture.
Let's go to her website then, for more information. I'm obviously very confused, at this point, as to who's doing what to angels and why.
It is somehow everything you expected it to be, and more.
Here we say an unprecedented level of linguistic muggings. Innocent words will be viciously assaulted and robbed of all meaning. It's possible they'll be able to recover, in time. But it's not a pretty sight.
LIVING INTUITIVE:
This workshop will jumpstart you on your intuitive path. It includes a tool kit to make it easy to apply and immediately accessible. This is a transformational workshop, you will not come out of it seeing life in the same way again.
Not living intuitively mind. Intuitive, singular. There is one true Intuitive, somewhere, and it cannot be stopped or contained. This workshop contains the weapons to identify, and then follow, an Intuitive path. The tools you will be provided must be on-hand and easily accessible; An Intuitive won't give you much time to react when you come across it. Most veteran Intuitive stalkers describe the experience as "Harrowing" and "Deeply traumatic". None have been the same after their experiences.
INTUITIVE PARENTING:
This workshop is for all parents of all children…mainstream, spectrum, diagnosed, indigo and crystal children. Intuitive parenting enables you to tap into and have immediate access to a new way of experiencing and being a parent.
I'm sorry, I didn't understand some of those terms you used. Spectrum refers to autistic spectrum, diagnosed is... meaningless in and of itself but alright let's go with it, it's the last two that I don't get. Wikipedia, little help?
Indigo children, according to a pseudoscientific New Age concept,[1][2][3][4] are children who are believed to possess special, unusual, and sometimes supernatural traits or abilities.[5] They are sometimes also referred to as crystal children[6] or star children.[7]
Thanks Wikipedia. And thanks, Knighty, for that fantastic new rich text copy paste feature.
I'm not even going to joke about this one. Paying a woman to justify your belief your small, impressionable child has supernatural abilities, and to tell the child that as well, from a position of claimed authority and legitimacy? I'm all good for teasing stupid adults, they've had enough chances in their life to know better, but a parent taking their child to this woman for these services legitimately makes me too angry to joke about.
Moving swiftly along, let's go back to teasing the parents, then?
I am interrupted by a brief real life conversation:
MsMumbers: Isn't this a bit... mean?
MrNumbers: Yes. That is... that's the point, yes.
MsMumbers: She genuinely believes this, though.
MrNumbers: She genuinely believes she is a qualified therapist and counselor because angels talk to her.
MsMumbers: Yes.
MrNumbers: And that's why I should stop making fun of her?
SOUL EVOLUTION
for those who are further on their journey of Intuitive Empowerment and wish to implement more advanced techniques and understandings of awareness to access a greater state of being and aid in their soul journey and maturation.
It is a fair criticism that I am not nearly far enough on my journey of Intuitive Empowerment -- I'm terrified of Intuitives, I'd never want to empower one, my friend lost a leg to one once, hasn't been the same since, it was a really life-changing experience for him -- and... Well I'm all for a greater state of being, but that "Greater state of being" seems to be hocking new-age pseudoscience in a market tent on a university lawn.
I'm obviously not mature enough in my soul journey to understand that one. I'll have to stick it back down in the cellar and cork it and check it back when it's a better vintage.
Then we get to the recommendations:
Helen-Christi has a very special gift of holding the energy of unconditional love. She has guided me with utmost clear intuition and compassion. Her healing work leaves me in a blissful space of love and warmth.
She gives of herself with all her heart and presence; she is a most caring and kind soul.
Tara Witkowski
Yoga Teacher
It is at this point that I showed this page to King of Beggars and he had this to say:
Look.
When you're trying to sell people on you NOT being a conman.
Don't use another obvious conman as your shill.
I was going to make a joke here about Tara not being able to be reached for comment, as is true of all fictitious characters, but I decided against it. I obviously need to show greater maturity as I travel along my own soul journey.
As such, I Googled Tara, and she is indeed a local practioning yoga instructor. Indeed, her LinkedIn gives us this nugget:
Tara's experience includes yoga into oneness and yoga into oneness
So what is yoga into oneness, a skillset so nice it's listed here twice?
In her client sessions, she draws upon a lifetime of learning to facilitate powerful clarity and deep healing including:
Satyananda yoga (Three Year Diploma in Yoga Teacher training)
Her One Heart Visions spiritual event management professional page claims she has a lifetime of experience, but the only listed qualification is a three year diploma. It's been a very short lifetime, presumably.
I mean... to be fair, her other listed items are spiritual healing, non-violent communication and Chinese medicine, and I'm still working on my own non-violent communication techniques so, touche. (Also, three years on a single discipline instructor course is legitimately legitimate. I just thinking putting them next to each other is such beautiful irony)
Tara is also listed as a deeply intuitive person. So what does that even mean, exactly, that we keep seeing it pop up so much? Google Dictionary?
Intuitive: using or based on what one feels to be true even without conscious reasoning
It's interesting, because her bio also lists her as;
(loves) being in nature and connecting with a fantastic array of interesting, conscious people from all across the world.
From this we can conclude she is not against consciousness. She loves conscious people after all. From this, we can infer that what these intuitive people are against is reasoning.
Let's get back to Christi, then.
She's currently telling me to Ignite my Life, and I feel like starting off by burning some bridges here.
Consultations and Healing Therapies
Price: $60 for a 30 minutes and $30 per 15 minutes thereafter.
Just keep that in mind.
As a Spiritual Advisor I am available for soul mapping / readings, healing, distant healing, energy clearing, space clearing, teaching, mentoring, karmic and past life consultations in all life areas, including, love, romance, soul purpose, finance, business, creativity, relationship, parenting and all life challenges.
For actual life challenges, there is no money back offer.
I have had a close communion with God and the angels.
I commune with the Angels and Teachers on your behalf to assist in your own connection with the Divine.
The services I provide are non-denominational.
In case you were worried that you were only dealing with the Christian God or Angels, goodness. Apparently the nature of the Divine with a big capital D is also non-denominational. I'm reminded of the Ur-Priest class from Dungeons and Dragons; a Divine caster that was completely non-denominational as well. They performed their healing with bluff checks too.
Other areas I assist in:
- Medicine Meditation
- Distance Healing
- Energy Clearing
- Transitioning through crisis
- Indigo Children and Adults
- Connecting with those who have passed on – Mediumship
- Couple Consultations
- Family Consultations
- Health & Wellbeing – Medical Intuitive
- Preparing to pass over
Now, if she were talking about medicinal meditation that'd be one thing: I'm a pretty hard and fast advocate of that. But she talked about medicine meditation, which I imagine is more making a bottle of pills incredibly introspective.
Let's rapidfire the rest of these then;
Distance healing - Because nobody should be forced to get their placebo through a house call
Energy clearing - have you tried turning your chakra off and on again?
Transitioning through crisis - Because you don't want to legitimize acknowledging the situation as a crisis, but you do want to see a doctor about it, so you compromise by not seeing a legitimate doctor.
Indigo children and adults - Just as crazy as their Paranoia campaign counterparts, but without the actual power.
Mediumship - Well, you'd have to be, to talk to Angels.
Couples Consultations - For when you really want to break up with her, but still want to tell your parents you tried couples counselling. It's like The Producers for a breakup.
Medical Intuitive - Because we all know what was really holding medicine back was reason. Alternatively,you always felt your doctor was far too smug about his education, or you're an ill libertarian who's taking a moral stance against licensing and certification.
It is at this point that I'd like to ask you all to buy tickets to my newest seminar. You see, I believe that toxins are important. Too many focus on getting rid of them, and removing them from the body, when this is really harmful to your overall well-being. I'd like to talk to you all about the healing powers of negative energy, and embrace being the most toxic person you can be.
orig00.deviantart.net/5e6e/f/2014/245/3/7/twilight_sparkle_browses_the_internet_by_zutheskunk-d7xqurj.gif
Helen-Christi.com
Experience the Placebo Effect in full!
Just $60 for a 30 minutes and $30 per 15 minutes thereafter.
So... is her last name ".com" or what? Because this seems like the kind of person who'd legally change her name to their website's URL. Especially if the angels told her to.
Also, are we sure that crystal children don't just need to go to some northern city-state amid the arctic wastes and get a funnel cake?
The whole "indigo children" thing reminds me of those kids who thought they were Superman and jumped off their balconies. I can see that concept working as some kind of emergency late-abortion service. Marketing-wise it works!
That, or some kind of strange publicity campaign for the X-Men movies. Pick your poison, I suppose.
Wonderful blog here, Numbers. The rapid fire as probably my favorite but, funnily enough. Witty as can be.
And fuck these kind of people. My mother once tried to buy me a healing crystal as a birthday present, I'm told, but my sister managed to convince her otherwise after explaining I would use the thing as a butt-plug solely out of spite if I ever got one.
If only more people were brave enough to use their asshole in threatening ways, we would all be happier, is what I'm trying to sell here.
I couldn't avoid thinking about this movie:
The Art of Negative Thinking
4702297 True words of wisdom indeed.
Thank you for this, Numbers. I wish more people would take these kind of shots. My mother tried to get me to do reiki once, and I finally relented, but I just didn't feel it.
Happy Birthday, 4702297!
Freakin' Indigo children, are you kidding me?
These are usually the same people who think vaccines cause autism.
I fully believe that MsNumbers is just aragón in a cheap wig. I choose to belive this.
Now who wants some reiki?
4702406
Check again: that's MsMumbers with an 'm'
4702762
so it's Aragóm.
4702800
Mr Numbers is a Aragon alt?
You think this is crazy, go enjoy a series of videos called "Spirit Science". Some friends and I played a game where we stopped the video and explained what was wrong with what had been said in last couple minutes every so often. One ten minute video could provide hours of discussion.
Hey, now, be fair. Ur-Priests get results.
(Funny how these thinsg turn out, I ended up here because of a comment (I posted myself) on a story (written for Aragon's birthday...))
Are we sure she isn't a Cleric or something? That would explain it all right? She can talk to the angel via Contact Other Plain (etc), Summon Monster you (presumably with Divine Metamagic Persistance Spell) an angel councillor, she can check your chidlren for magic with Detect Magic, and "distance healing" sounds to me like she's invested in Reach Spell. (I mean, she's probably not well optimised for combat or anything, but go on...) "Energy Clearing..." Maybe she's saying she can remove your negative levels?
Oh, wait, I suppose she could be an Archivist, she didn't mention anything about exorcisms via Turn Undead, and that doesn't require a diety (cleric doesn't, strictly, but you don't lock yourself out of some options as an Archivist).
Seems perfectly reasonable to me.
(Says the Lawful Evil Lich.)