Review #3: Deeper than she Knew

Deeper than she Knew

By Amethyst Dawn

Side Note: I'm trying a new review format now. Different categories with short critiques, each category gets a score out of 5, the scores are averaged, and that average is the base point for the final score. If I think it should be higher or lower than the average, then I change it.

First Impressions: When I looked at the description and tags, I assumed it would be something along the lines of Vapor Trail telling Fleetfoot she liked Sky Stinger. It turned out to be less romance centered and more an explanation of Vapor Trail's personality. Aside from one line from Fleetfoot, I couldn't really tell Vapor liked Sky in a romantic way. But this didn't make it a bad story. 4/5

Genre: Basically what I said in the previous category, it didn't seem much like a romance, if that one line from Fleetfoot wasn't there, and I didn't look at the tags, I would never have guessed the story was a romance. But it definitely works with the slice of life tag. I think the Romance tag should have been replaced with the drama tag, or maybe just cut out altogether. 4/5

Grammar: A couple errors, mostly relating to dialogue, but other than that, it's pretty good. 3/5

Characters: Fleetfoot says Vapor is one of the best fliers in the academy, but she never shows off her skill. Also, Fleetfoot never really had much character in the show, so she was pretty replaceable. Spitfire could have filled the role easily, but Spitfire is also a bit overused, so I can see why Fleetfoot was used. 4/5

Plot and Clarity: I'm a little confused as to when the story takes place. I'd assume it would be after the episode but by then, Vapor Trail would have decided she should support herself, and not just Sky. Aside from that, the plot was straightforward. There were no weird scene shifts, that was nice. Basic plot rundown:

1) Vapor sees Sky and Fleetfoot having a serious conversation. Fleetfoot approaches Vapor, who thinks she might get kicked out of the academy. Straight to the plot, I like it. This is the standard setup for these types of stories, but that doesn't make it bad.
2) Vapor tells Fleetfoot she's going to be in the next show and asks why she's always choosing to be on the sidelines. Honestly, this scene was pretty cliche, it would have been fine if it was done more originally. But I have seen this exact sequence played out in this way several times in several fanfics that have to do with the Wonderbolts. It gets boring after a while.
3) Vapor talks about why she's like this, and that she prefers to build ponies up rather than take the spotlight. Then Fleetfoot says that line that indicates this is a romance story. Does it even count as a romance story if only one person in the romance is in the story? Again, the story would have been better in my opinion if Sky was just left out and there was no romance.
4) The story ends. The story just ends, that's it. Here's the ending:

"He deserves the attention he gets. My destiny is to make sure he gets it. It's as simple as that." She added with finality.

Fleetfoot stepped back, and nodded. "I'll... have to put you in the show anyways, but that doesn't mean you'll be in the spotlight. We can figure out a way to let you do all that you're capable of, while still making him poster-boy. Does that go against your ass?"

Vapor looked down at the ground thoughtfully, before sighing with a slight smile. "I guess I should have just come to you in the beginning, huh?"

Fleetfoot chuckled, walking her to the doorway. "Would've saved you a lot of heartache, Rookie."

I'm sorry, what? Fleetfoot didn't even do anything, she hardly said anything. All she did was start the plot, which seems like a big deal, but it isn't. The ending just feels, bland. All this buildup, for nothing. Maybe if there was an epilogue chapter, then things would get wrapped up, maybe more of the romance tag involved, and maybe if Fleetfoot actually did something, or just if everything was wrapped up nicely, you get the point. Plot score is 3/5

Entertainment: The story shines in this category for me. I enjoyed reading this, but despite how well the story was written, it still seems like every other story with this idea. So it was enjoyable, but a bit boring, if that makes sense. Not really much else to say here. 4/5

Final Score: 88%

I would recommend this story, it's well written, but it's a bit boring and follows the same formula as many stories involving the Wonderbolts.

Comments

[Amethyst_Dawn]

Thanks for the review!