Publishing sucks and so do hangovers · 3:48pm Aug 15th, 2017
So last night was pretty bad for a good number of reasons. Let's start with the obvious; I got rejected from another agent for publishing reasons. This is the third time I haven't really been told why, which I understand from a business point but just getting a blank email telling me I got rejected without reason feels very robotic and dull. I'm aware I'm not perfect as a writer by any means, but just not getting told what was wrong sort of is worse. It makes me think everything is awful.
Second, I got this email after I had been drinking. In my depression I drank more which isn't something I've ever done before and I wouldn't recommend it because I only got sad to the point I couldn't really do anything or put my thoughts into words. I started getting depressed and upset when my boyfriend brought up the idea of self publishing. By all means he has a point, but to me it feels like I'm giving up or saying I'm a failure or not good enough if I put my book on Amazon without thought.
Everything feels kind of crappy today. Last night I kept wanting to hurt myself. I've never done anything like cut myself before, but my brain kept going through what it would be like. I spent a good hour or two just digging my nails into my skin because it hurt feeling awful and too drunk to really think straight but not drunk enough to block out the bad feelings. A lot of people asked me this morning if drinking like this was a habit and it really isn't. I normally only drink when I'm bored and sometimes I drink 3 nights in a row and other times forget I can drink for a week or two. I think I'm still young and in the experimental stage when it comes to my bodies limits, but I know depression can turn experimenting into something bad.
But y'know, back to self harm. I didn't end up doing anything drastic like cutting but I do recall hitting myself. I've been doing that for most of my life when I'm upset. I don't deal or flat out reject my anger and it ends up becoming self blaming, and the only way I can feel better is by causing myself pain. I've been talking about it some in therapy but still have yet to go into many major details. It's tough. Talking to people saying I want to hurt myself doesn't help much because their response usually boils down to "don't do that" or "That won't solve anything" and none of them seem to really get that I feel like I need that release because I deserve it. I'm mad at myself for drinking or not being good enough to get accepted. Feeling like I'm a failure for considering self publishing which will probably amount to nobody buying my book. My biggest dream is still holding my own book in my own hands as a physical copy. I know my book isn't near the publishing stages but I don't know how to get it there. I've been trying to edit but my depression is getting the best of me and making it hard. I've let some people beta read it but so far only two have read it in full. I'm eternally grateful to those two people, one of which is one this site, but still it feels like I'm far away.
Editors cost money I don't have a lot of the time. I hate myself because I can't do commissions. I can, but I just have no drive or motivation and it just makes me more upset at myself when I take them on and ignore them. I still don't have a job but that's because I'm planning to move in a few months and getting one at this point would be sort of meaningless. I'm worried my work on this site and others will lead to people thinking I'm some kind of furry freak and never taking up my book again and ruining my life. I'm just... there's a lot in my mind today.
This is mostly just venting. I'm not really spiraling now, I'm more just a general kind of sad. I feel embarrassed putting this out into the world but at the same time I just want somebody to listen to my thoughts without feeling like they're interrupting me trying to solve it or make me feel better. I don't know what I want right now, and I don't think anybody can or would give it to me if they could. I'm just tired.
I don't know how to end this so I'm just going to post a song from Kesha's new album because it's pretty happy and this blog has been depressing.
Sounds like your life is at a frustrating in-between stage. But you have a goal, and it's a good one. A lot of people in your position lose their grasp on that, but you haven't, and as long as you don't this period of nothing changing won't last forever. There's a story Stephen King told about getting rejected by publishers: he kept every flat, no-reason rejection note he ever got, and he ended up with a whole pad of them a couple inches thick before someone picked up Carrie. Your goal is still possible; getting rejection notes is just part of what it will take.
And as to needing release, I get it, I really do. I used to cut myself. The reason I eventually stopped was when I realized it wasn't providing much of a release at all. It's one of the least effective ways of getting that self-hate out, because it all comes back in a few minutes anyway, and now your arms hurt. And not even the good, shocking, 'flooding your body with endorphins' kind of way, just the dull, throbbing 'you're an idiot, why did you do this?' kind of way. I wouldn't even start, especially when something slightly more constructive (exercise, vent pieces, literally anything else) will actually be more of a release. If you refrain and choose something healthier, you're missing out on exactly nothing.
You and I have the same dream, darling. Perhaps we can help one and other. Rejection letters are pride badges, dear. You've heard the story of J.K rowling's rejection letters, right? Or perhaps Neil Gaiman? Tis just one more way we rub elbows with the 'greats' of our time, dear. ;)
yeah I hear...Hell i've had spent years of trying to get into writing! my first attempt a novel based on phantom of the opera using Disney's animal characters of mickey and Minnie mouse(since they've been forgotten and better than most of those Disney live action reboots! also it's trilogy but didn't start that way.) & began life on floppy disk. stupidly enough the metal part of it got stuck in my 1st high school library(but haven't up hope yet. I found a thing for the floppy on amazon. plan to take it off there & onto my new flash drive i brought months ago.) the other sequels happen when i transferred to another school. Fanfiction been apart of my life since sixth grade due to an old friend of mine...whom i no longer speak to. 8th grade was i started writing-those stories somewhat disappeared to something else & most were written or had only titles/summaries. ended up on ff after my first laptop died. that was second one lasted for three years. the account laid dormant but met a lot of cool authors there. another site is called paper fox fanfiction-this author ended being kicked out of ff.net for no reason at all! luckily a friend of his made him a website(they put out their stories together on that site until that friend no longer wanted to run or be apart of it anymore.) now fox runs it solo & the site evolved! didn't plan to go on there until putting out other stories on ff(cause the last one involves an experience i'm not ready to tell yet. secondly is due to laptop for three years messing up 2nd flash drive except i didn't about the eject safely feature.) then i got impatient and went in anyways. do have two complete stories(paper fox site!) but had trouble understanding how it works. i spread myself out under different names so nobody can tell who i am.
Coming here was a no brainer but had been reading stories from fimfiction though a comment chat on mlp wikia page after watching the show (it was only three at the time or about when s4 was coming out...i think.) & the story was Past sins by pen stroke. my story is called love between brothers (a dusk shine x spike story) it's set after twilight becomes the princess of friendship with spike telling her he wants his life despite . but twilight has a secret she's kept from spike, her friends and parents! she had a foal due unfortunate circumstances she was raped as filly in an alley while trying to take a shortcut back from library to canterlot castle! her brother shining armor who was patrol that night. he sees what had been done his sister, taking her with his magic runs into castle demanding that princess celestia sees him immediately. celestia is pissed that this has happened to her student! later finds it was a stallion royal guard unsatisfied with his current station, celestia has the stallion sent to jail for life. 8 months later gives birth to a colt and names him dusk shine. she gives up the foal to prevent a scandal only celestia & shining(along with the staff who they paid off not to tell any pony about this.) to a Pegasus family. until it comes back to haunt her! even though i used the r63 name this dusk is his own character! it's probably one the best characters i've written up thus far. the first time i posted it up with only two chapters posted. got email it was very harsh i was disappointed then got a bit of help, found a few tricks to improve the story. so deiced to retry submit again...this time the message went "if try it again we're deleting your story!" and got me emotional in bad way. it affected me so much i logged out of fimfiction! 2nd time was paragraphing issues for the story was written in script form(1st time. which i changed!) here's the thing don't have programs for this laptop planned to make get Microsoft programs but decided to use libreoffice instead for takes up less space. also updated my windows about a month ago, i write all my stories on my aol account in drafts. when clicking on the story it won't load up! already tried my mom tablet...couldn't do anything with it and was compacted. So now the story's in limbo & i want it out of my head!
so hear i am & shocked to hear that somebody who seems so successful on here has depression. there have been times when planned something out and hit a wall or road block but found a way through it with great timing. i'm not or have ever been depressed but can understand it's hard & struggle. all i wanted to was you're not alone & someone who's with you.
found this song and thought of you while listening it's a musical based on Tess of the d'Urbervilles (there was one back in the 90's in London. ended failing to due money, story & staging issues!) but this one just called Tess-the musical.
hope this helps you out a bit:)
https://youtu.be/XV7V3AGtYU4
You could just self publish, and sell PDF's on amazon or one of those "Print on demand" places.