God Squad Quickie: The Movie · 3:17am Jul 4th, 2017
“Sister… have you done something to your hair?” Luna asked, looking around in confusion. The sisters were back in Canterlot Castle, actually ruling (like they are supposed to) instead of having insane adventures (which, let’s be honest, are a lot cooler and more fun than political drama… unless you want “My Little Pony: The Phantom Menace”. Can you imagine? “I will not leave the fate of friendship to be decided by a committee”). And things appeared a bit… odd.
“Not that I know of,” Celestia said, looking up from the document she was examining (it had to deal with restricting the immigration of Miconauts into Equestria… one could never be too careful). “In fact I don’t think technically this is hair. I think it is just a magical construct that looks like hair.”
Luna poked at the inside of her cheek with her tongue (which was much easier to notice in High Definition). “So you haven’t changed shampoos?”
“Can’t say that I have,” Celestia said.
The Princess of the Moon poked at the carpet, which had a rich, deep, almost CGI texture. “Did we redecorate?”
“Haven’t changed a thing.”
“What about changing the light bulbs? Get some of those silly spiral ones?”
“I think they now make those in regular shape.”
“Oh good.” Luna paced up and down, her movements more fluid and natural than they’d ever been before. “Are we in a movie?”
Celestia took a moment to consider before nodding. “Yes… yes we are.”
“Ah, that explains the higher animation budget.” She looked over at one of the guards. “And why our castle is suddenly filled with ponies voiced by celebrities… well, more than usual.”
“I’ll have you know that I happen to like my voice,” Rapid Patrol (as voiced by Downton Abbey star Hugh Bonneville!) said. “Isn’t that right, chamber maid that sounds exactly like Miley Cyrus?”
“Sure is!” Dust Up said. “make sure to get the Soudntrack to this film, kids! I sang a song on it! And I wasn’t high at the time, so it actually makes sense!”
Luna let out a huffy sigh. “And I suppose that is why new and strange creatures that we will act like have always existed are suddenly popping up.”
“Indeed!” a gorgon said (voiced by Dame Maggie Smith!), slithering into the room wearing a pair of shades (which you kids can buy along with your Stella the Gorgon costume for Halloween this year!). “I hope you don’t mind if I hang out for a few weeks and then never appear again.”
“Yes, it is a tad strange but we’ll get used to it,” Celestia said, grabbing a can of Coke Classic (Available at all major grocery stores) and taking a long sip (with the logo turned perfectly towards the camera). “And if we don’t it won’t be for long. And most likely not even canon… unless it is.”
“What do you mean?” Luna asked.
Celestia turned towards her guards. “Wall Breaker?”
The guard cleared his throat, his computer generated armor (crated that way to make things look more professional and impressive even if it broke with the beloved art style) gleaming in the sun. “We are either facing a Transformers: The Movie situation or a Power Rangers: The Movie situation.” He paused. “The first one, with Ivan Ooze. Not the one with Divatox.”
“Thank you, Wall Breaker,” Celestia said. “Either way, things will get back to normal very soon. Of course, we’ll have to wait for Twilight to defeat the threat that of course will be the focus of the movie…” She tapped her chin. “Considering this is a prequel to the movie I wonder where Tempest Shaodw is?”
~Meanwhile, on the Mareatine…~
“Hurry it up, all of you!” Tempest Shadow (Ladies and gentlemen, Emily Blunt!) roared, looking out at her crew of dangerous (but also funny in a comic relief sort of way because we don’t want to scare the kids, now do we… and please buy the toys, they have special movie packaging!) pirates. They were on the flagship of the fleet, an armada of 40 ships that would bring Equestria to its knees. “We sail in the name of the Storm King, who claims these waters as his own! We will form a blockade and-“
A wall of water rose up in front of the ships, forcing them to stop. Said water (which was beautifully animated… really, made the ocean in Moana look like a jar of pi… I mean Granny’s Sweet Tea) slowly twisted until the form of a giant, goat-like face made of salt water pushed forward to stare down at the Tempest.
“Sup.”
“…oh, I see, some trick by the Equestrian ponies to try and delay us. A last line of defense!”
The face’s eyebrow twitched. “Is that your first mate?” he asked, nodding towards the most deadly looking member of the crew.
“Indeed I am!” the grim satyr (voiced by Geoffrey Rush!) bellowed. “I am the most deadly, powerful warrior to ever-“
The water face opened his mouth and shot out a massive tongue that wrapped around the first mate and dragged him into the water monster’s maw. Tempest flinched as the first mate screamed only to have his cries replaced by the crunching of bones.
“Did that look like something a pony would do?” the goat monster asked between chews.
“I… admit that was a bit… extreme. But we are in a movie so we might get away with more violence-“ the monster belched and the first mate’s half eaten head, with bits of flesh and muscle still clinging to it, bounced onto the deck before coming to rest at her hooves. “-but no, not ponies,” she said softly.
“Ya gonna eat that?” the monster said, the water shifting as the face took the form of grey flesh and green scales, a large being Celestia’s size ending up on the deck of the ship. He looked at the head before darting his head down, violently tearing bits of bloody flesh from the face of the first mate, swallowing them raw. “We haven’t been introduced. You are?”
“T-Tempest Shadow,” the broken horned unicorn said. “Lieutenant under the Storm King.”
“Neat,” the creature said. “I’m Lord Tydal… King of the Mareatine. Ruler of the Capricorn Nation. God of War, of Sea, and of Storms. The Gray Blight. Most Famous of All OCs on Fimfiction.net-“
“What about me?” Nyx asked.
“Your first author never wrote about you again and the second isn’t on the site anymore. Get lost.” Tydal ignored the filly and turned back to Tempest. “Most Famous of All OCs on Fimfiction.net. And I have a small problem with you being on my ocean.”
“Too bad!” Tempest declared. “Either surrender now and let us pass… or die.”
Tydal’s lips twitched.
“…bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!” he doubled over, laughing so hard some thought he might pass out. “You… you honestly… oh… oh by the Maker! Hahahahahaha!” He cackled, his horns flashing as he summoned Sunset… who was in bed, fast asleep.
“Mmm… oh Optimus Prime, you’re smokestacks are so big… what’s that? You want me inside you? Oh yes… yes… let me work your turn signal. Yes… yes!”
“SUNSET!” Tydal shouted.
The unicorn leapt out of her bed. “I wasn’t having sexual fantasies about Optimus Prime (now appearing in The Last Knight! Go see it kids… please. If you don’t Michael Bay will shoot a puppy!), I swear!”
“…we’ll talk about cross-promotion later. You need to hear this.” He walked over and whispered in her ear.
“-seriously?” Sunset snickered.
Tydal nodded and continued.
“No! Really? And… no! Oh…oh!” She burst out laughing. “You so f---ed Tempest!” She howled with laughter.
Tydal grinned and walked up to Tempest. “Okay, you still want to challenge me?”
“I do,” Tempest said. “I have Movie Tropes on my side! That means I can’t be defeated till the end.”
Tydal’s eyes flashed and the entire armada save for Tempest’s ship was destroyed, the crews dragged screaming to the depths of his sea, their lungs burning as salt water filled them, leaving their last moments on earth ones of fear and pain, their bodies left to rot on the ocean floor.
“I have Overpowered Mary Sue powers on my side,” Tydal said.
“…I mean I’d like to leave now and convert my boat to an airship?”
“Works for me,” Tydal said. “I have to burn down Seaquestria. Not because I hate the sea ponies… well, I do… but because that is a stupid name. Have fun.” His horns glowed and he and Sunset teleported away.
“So,” Grubber (voiced by Michael Pena) asked, “we becoming an air ship now?”
“Looks like it.”
“COPYCAT!” Faith yelled from the deck of the Abundance as it floated by.
I threw up in my mouth. Just a little bit. So... mission accomplished?
So thanks for that.
... Faith, what are you doing here? You've been in limbo for... Wow, 4 years now. The Should-Have-Been-King hasn't started yet... Damn, I miss that series.
If it's about Micronauts, you must always read the small print.
Only Tydal and Spongebob have enough power to burn things underwater.
Self-proclaimed