Colorless Lives · 9:14pm May 3rd, 2017
On the surface, my love of Gilda as a character seems kind of shallow. I always told people I love my bad girls and she was the best example we had in mlp for a time, but there was always more to it. Some defining moment we shared that ran deeper than some shallow lust of leather and bad attitudes. If only it was actually positive.
Also, I know how long my blog posts get sometimes and I know a lot of you don't care to read all of that. If you had to read one though, I'd appreciate it a lot if it was this one. This means a lot to me. It's also my 22nd birthday today, so here's hoping you'll excuse the word wall today of all days.
At first, all those years ago, I was in the camp with most everyone else around here; she yelled at Fluttershy, how dare she! She was a complete bitch and deserved to be kicked out of town, right? Well, not really. Over time (and thanks to a wonderfully characterizing story by NickNack) I'd started to think about what was really happening in that episode, and even the newest one with her. She's someone who is fiercely loyal to the few friends she's had, most likely weathering a hard life without few people who really care about her, making the reasons behind her actions in that first episode a lot clearer when you think about it. Even in the first time we see her in flight camp just before meeting Rainbow, she was potentially at the receiving end of some hardcore bullying, just like Fluttershy before Rainbow stepped in. Unlike Fluttershy though, Gilda turned out quite a bit different.
No one acts like a dick without a reason. Sure, it's never justified and there are always better alternatives, but nobody is a dick without a reason. Maybe they had a rough childhood and are defensive because of it. Maybe the world was never kind to them, so they figure they shouldn't be kind in return. Maybe someone they cared about hurt them, so they couldn't bring themselves to share any kindness again. Whatever the reason, it's easy for all of us to just see them as mean people to never really care about. They were mean, so why should anyone bother putting up with that? If Sunset has taught me anything though, it's that people can change. Even the worst kinds of people can turn themselves around and be a wonderful addition to the world. Maybe I'm naive. Certainly some parts of fiction don't really carry over to reality. Not everyone gets their happy ending, and some people are just going to be assholes until the day they die. I still hold onto that concept that there is a little bit of good in all of us, even if we aren't showing it.
What did Gilda do after she got kicked out of that party? Twilight and Rainbow are quick to write Gilda off as not being a true friend at the end of that episode (pretty uncharacteristically for a show about friendship, if you ask me), but did Gilda end up thinking the same as them? Did she fly back home shrugging off the friendship she had with Rainbow as just being shallow and meaningless? We can never really know for sure, but I don't think so.
We saw what Griffonstone was like: nobody gave a single shit about anyone else. If you didn't have the caps you were worthless. What kind of kids is that society going to create? Kids like Gilda, no doubt. Harsh, seemingly-uncaring jerks that are immensely hard to be around, let alone get close to. Now imagine what it must be like going through some emotional issues at the same time. After imagining the situation Gilda must be going through in a world like that after losing her best friend, it's definitely hard not to be sympathetic, even despite her being a bitch.
Losing a best friend like that is one of the hardest things a person can go through. I know this one from experience. As of a few weeks ago, it's happened to me three times now. Three times. When a loved one dies, you at least know that they didn't go wanting to get away from you, that they're probably at rest in a better place and you can enjoy their memory without any harsh feelings left behind. Every single one has happened around my birthday too, as to put some icing on the proverbial cake of suffering. Now it's two birthdays in a row that it's happened. I'm not trying to discount what other people might have gone through. I'm sure your experiences are different than mine, but nothing, nothing has hurt worse than the person you love most in the world wanting nothing more than to get away from you.
They might hurt you every now and again. I think that's normal in most relationships. Nothing is ever without its flaws, but as long as you put in the effort to work through them the two of you will be better because of it. Though nothing ever hurts worse than going to say something to them only to see that you've been blocked, that your text or call has gone unanswered for days, or to see them lock their door at the sight of you. I know what a lot of you are probably thinking: "If they did this to you then they weren't true friends". I've heard that a lot. But were Gilda and Rainbow not able to be friends again? Sunset and Twilight? Every single person that's done this to me has left an emotional scar that will never heal; after six years since the first time it's happened, I know that for a fact. Even despite all that, I still miss them terribly. I want nothing more than to try to make up for whatever I did to earn that ire and be friends with them again. It still hurts to this day just wishing that they would've told me what was wrong, what was bothering them so I could've tried to work it out. A little communication to try to fix things would be leagues better than how it's ended up now. I know that the recurring element in all these failed relationships is me. I'll readily admit that I'm not that great of a person. There's definitely something wrong with me that's causing this and I've done a lot over the years to try to be a better person. It just never seems like enough sometimes.
The last one especially hurts the most. Maybe just because it's the freshest in my mind and the hurt is still new, but all I really want is to just talk with her again and tell her how much she meant to me. These last two years have been undoubtedly the worst in my entire life, and it seems like now it's only going to get worse, but she gave me a little bit of hope that things could get better, that someone out there actually cared about what happened to me. Now that she's gone everything seems to be falling apart. I would give anything right now to have that friendship back. To have some sort of light in this awful existence. Even just to know that this isn't going to be forever, but for all I know she never wants to speak to me again, and I'll never really know why.
So after thinking about it, it really wasn't hard to be sympathetic with Gilda. She's gone through the exact same thing. Rainbow must have meant the world to her. Who else did she really have? I honestly hate the first episode she appeared in. That is the exact opposite of what the show really stands for. You shouldn't just write people off as being worthless after so many years together. That's not working for a friendship, it's just throwing it away during hard times.
So please, if anyone is still reading this, treasure the relationships you have now. Tell them that you care about them even if it seems weird to bring up. You never know when might be the last time you'll see them. And if you're having trouble with someone, please, for the love of God try to work it out with them. Talk things through, try to let them know if you have a problem with something they're doing, or ask them if they feel the same. Don't let resentment fester and lose one of the most valuable things you could ever have. People that will actually care are so rare in the world, so the last thing you should do is just let it fade away without trying for them at least.
And if you've blocked someone in the past that cared about you... it's never too late to try to make amends and fix the relationship you had with them. You can never know how badly it might've affected them, or how much they just wish you were back in their lives. I know first hand how horrible this feels. Nothing else has really affected me so heavily in my entire life. I know I would forgive them if they wanted to be friends again. You never know what could come of one simple message back to your friends that might miss you.
Well that's really all I have to say. I might be having a shitty birthday, but I hope these two stories made your day a little better, even if they were kind of depressing. I know I've been doing a lot of whining about emotional issues lately when I do pop up, and I'm sorry for that. Recently especially, I'm kind of running out of people to confide in. I never wanted to be the kind of author that cried to his fans for attention in times like these, so if nothing else just enjoy the stories. I just felt like this was something I needed to get off my chest since it's been tearing me up ever since it happened again.
Anyway, there should be more content rolling in soon. I'm working on another romantic Sunset story and another chapter of Little Stars, so you guys should have that to look forward to at least. Also check out my discord server if you haven't already. If you need someone to talk to I'm usually around to shitpost with.
Dude, that is rough. I've been through this as well and it is hard. I just want to say that I and most of your fans and loyal readers will be here if you need us. Especially since mot of us have been there and know what its like. I know I have even if were just some random people that like to read the horse words that you write. I'm sure that most of us would be available to talk to should you even need us. Stay strong and carry on and know that life always gets better.
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I wish I could actually hear it from her if she really is. And what I did to push her away at least.
Damn, that's rough. I know you lost your friends, as you said, but at the very least it would be rude of me not to say; 'Happy Birthday'.
I'm sorry for your losses and how that's affected you personally. I'm not gonna be that guy, but know that as a follower and more importantly as a human being, I do hope things get better for you soon.
All of us will wait for your return and if not then all the best to you. If, however, you want to chat as an impartial audience or for a general friendly chat, my door, as well as many others, will be open for you.
I generally don't comment on a lot of posts or stories(mostly cause I'm never on anymore), but I understand the pain you're going through. It's difficult to confide in other people, personally or out like this, so good on you. But if you want to make new friends, it's pretty easy, and most people would be happy to have another friend in their life.
Thanks for the advice, too.
That's harsh. Hopefully you will find more friends that will treat you better.
Always know that you'll always have the people here and I'm sure in your discord to talk to whenever something happens. We're here for ya, man.
I am happy to see you are happy Holly! don´t be so down, when you feel the dark clouds are strggling you, remember the sun is rising above all!
This was a hard one to read.
As much as it may sound cliche to say it, I do feel for ya. And I had missed your prior blog with the Sunset black & white cover art. So to hear that on top of all this... That's rough, yeah.
Whenever we see someone going through a situation like this, I'm sure we all want to, like... do something to help. But then... I get to thinking that just letting you know that we've read/heard what you're going through and can empathize -- I hope that, at least, does help.
I share your sentiment about losing interest in the show itself over the last season and this present one. So... with you there. These days, it's mostly just Dazzles and some Shimmy that hold any of my attention. Though I'm looking forward to seeing, for better or worse, how they handle these EQG specials.
And thanks again for that feedback you gave on one of my stories here, and also that other project (which is still in the throes of procrastination, but still progressing slowly). You do have a talent for this stuff. So I hope the spark does light again at some point.
Losing friends isn't something that should ever be easy. It's incredible to think that someone you spend so much time with could go such a different road and be unable to articulate their intentions beforehand. Maybe you'll find some solace that there was a deep connection for it to hurt this badly. People can be so shitty. Not knowing is rough so I offer my sympathy, for whatever that's worth. But you do you and feel however you need/want to feel. I'm always available for a chat if you ever need it.