Crime Pays Improvements · 2:02pm May 2nd, 2017
Stories have flaws. That's just a fact of life. That said, I feel like Crime Pays was pretty solid. Sure it was bumpy, particularly around the latter third of the story, but I'm overall quite proud of it. That doesn't mean I couldn't have done it better, mind you, and I'd like to know how I could have done just that. Whathe bits of the story did you not care for? Where do you think I dropped the ball? There are three things in particular I'm concerned about.
Lyra/Moondancer’s Arc. I really do feel like I could've done this better, but I'm genuinely not certain as to how. I think part of it may be due to how quickly Lyra and Moonie show up, sorta out of nowhere. Honestly, I'm wondering if Moondancer’s even needs to be there. She didn't add a whole lot to the story, except maybe serving as a catalyst for Lyra’s actions.
Rainbow's drug habit. Now, I know exactly the problem with this bit: it goes absolutely nowhere. While writing, I wanted it to become an actually big part of her character, but that particular subplot kinda got lost in the shuffle. I was going to go for an attempt at her rehab, but part of me wonders if she's not a better character as just a shameless junkie.
The ending. I think this is probably going to be the most divisive issue of the story. Was the ending any good? I've heard both sides of the argument, both of them holding water. For one, it leaves ends loose. What happens to Scootaloo? Where does Spike go? Does Celestia get away scot-free? Why exactly did she kill Shining? How much of it did Twilight plan? How much of it was even true? So on and so forth. However, there are some people (myself included) who like the ambiguity of the ending. It leaves things open to interpretation and allows the reader to put together the story they like best. Some of you might like to think that Scootaloo took Dash’s cut and got herself someplace nice, but it's equally possible that she teamed with Spike to heist, much like Dash and Twi before them. Someone in the comments said they'd like to believe that Scootaloo devoted her life to making sure nobody remembers Twilight’s legacy, which is an interpretation I never considered but am insanely intrigued by. What do you guys say? Would the story have been better with a clear, decisive ending?
The reason I'm asking all of this is because I want to, one day soon, rework and rewrite Crime Pays as a proper novel. I'm extremely proud of the story and I want to make the best version of itself that I can. To do that, I need some help.
Thanks in advance.
Well for adequate answer us readers would have to reread the story. And if possible a new reader to read the story now without need to wait for new chapters.
Right now if I go by my memory alone I think it is possible that Rarity arc is what makes last arc feel bad. Since Rarity arch took a bit more time to deal with single event while last arc introduced Celestia and the Ultimate heist and added to that we had Lyra and Moondancer show up. And well all those things had to happen so can't just cut it out. Moondancer served to tell Lyra that Twilight she knew was gone and without that ending wouldn't happen.
Ending...well I was one of those that thought the ending made sense. I mean sure more hints of what happened to Celestia and Scoots would have been great but in the end it was Mythos Story and their story was concluded. Sometimes it isn't bad to leave room for reader imagination about what happens after the end. Like the Scoots fate which well could be a possible spin off.
I think though that there will be big improvement once the story is stripped of MLP elements. Right now we readers are biased because we still connect Crime Pays characters with MLP characters even though they are simply too different. When a character is introduced we automatically assign them their show personality. For example I think that hurts Celestia character as our first instinct is to trust her even though we do not know anything about her.
Sorry for not being more well helpful. I can't really remember what I felt and how I felt but I think Rarity arc was the one that felt like filler to me even though it was very important. And AJ was kinda wasted but I say that only because that particular character happened to be based of main character while was actually a relatively minor character.
4517204 Don't be sorry, this was actually really helpful. I never considered how much this being a fan fiction actually mattered to the story. I reckon introducing each character fresh would help quite a bit.
The Rarity arc is another thing that I didn't mention, but that got out of hand really quickly. It takes up way more time and space than I originally anticipated, and I'll be sure to plan things better this time 'round.
Thanks for the feedback, man.
4517207 Oh right always wanted to ask but did you plan to introduce Pinkie and/or Fluttershy too in Ponyville? I think I had that feeling because Celestia mentioned that she knew someone who could help with Twi's demands. At the moment Ponyville could have been any random place really and feels like an aborted arc.
4517213 In the earliest drafts of this story, Pinkie and Shy were supposed to be in a rival crew with Rarity. Fluttershy was ghost and stealth-centric, Pinkie was gonna be a demolition expert and homicidal lunatic, and Rarity was the mastermind. they were going to work with AJ and Mythos to steal gold until Medusa's distrust and distaste for this crew got in the way, and she would've ended up screwing them over. I abandoned that idea rather early because I felt that was a "too many cooks" kinda thing, and I reworked Pinkie's traits into Rarity, thus her extreme fits of violence. Pinkie was going to be like that when she got angry, but smile to your face and tell you how she'd skin you alive when she was happy.
I was trying really hard not to reveal that Twilight had found and wanted to kill Lyra and Moondancer, which resulted in some weird phrasing. The someone who could help that Celestia was referring to was probably Lyra, who she knew could get Moondancer where they wanted her. And, as for why I picked Ponyville, it's because there are maybe four places in Equestria that are actually important and I wanted to go with one of those. Plus, it's vaguely appropriate: In the show's canon, Twilight's friendships were born in Ponyvilee, in CP they die in Ponyville.
4517226 That explains so much now that I think about it. It was a bit jarring how much Rarity enjoyed violence, almost like fandom version of Pinkamena. Of course as original character that won't be an issue for me.
And heh I missed completely the Ponyville friendship point. Guess because to me Twilight lost friendships before she came there. I was more invested in Spike and Dash as I saw those friendships bloom and rot. Lyra and Moondancer were names only referenced and I wasn't attach to them as much as I was to Spike and Dash.
I still like my suggestion for a 2d story with Spike and Scootaloo teaming up. This could allow Shy and Pinkie into the story somewhere as Scootaloo tries to put together a crew that can dethrone a 'Queen'. Would allow a bit of expansion into other places as well With perhaps sunset and GlimGlam. It's a safe bet that theres a number of ponies who got screwed over by Twilight but can't do anything about it who might fall in with Scoots plan. It could also show what happened with Celestia. And even if she's out of the picture her former secretary might still have spike as a contact if something comes up......
4517306 I like it, too, which is why I didn't shoot it down. I've been keeping it in my pocket for later. It's not out of the question, but it's also not really my concern right now.
Cheers
I'll throw my two bits your way.
While reading your story, I felt the Lyra and Moondancer arc was rushed, Twilight beat them pretty much the moment they were re-introduced to the reader outside of just their names. It would have been nice to have had a chapter or two dedicated to showing the reader what happened between them, you know, show the highs and lows of the Mythos crew to give the reader a better connection to the crew. This could help get people to care about the characters more and feel for them when Twilight goes bananas on them.
As for Rainbow Dash's drug habit, if you are going with something like that, it needs to be planned out better. I noticed it throughout the story, but since Dash never really got into rehab it felt likely that her addiction would come back and be a hindrance on Twilight. If you put Dash into rehab on Twilight's orders it would show more of Twilight's controlling personality and investment in making sure the crew doesn't have anyone in it that could mess things up.
Chillbook, the ending was very well done. I've seen a lot of heist movies and have even written my own heist story, all that have ended differently. One of those endings is the leader of the crew meeting their demise at some point. Honestly, with the personality you gave Twilight, it felt better that it ended with her death, because by the end of the story she is too far gone from the world. This applies to any character with that kind of personality, so whether you are writing a new version of Twilight or some original character, it feels better to see them meet their end unless you can come up with a good reason to have them redeemed for their actions.
I hope you take something from this to help you with your ending should you decide to re-write it. When I wrote my heist story, which is sadly living in a busted laptop under my bed with no backup copies, I wrote about a woman who, much like your version of Twilight Sparkle, had a thrill for pulling heists. However the difference was, she would steal and then give her money away to people that needed it more and only kept enough to keep up a small living. Eventually, when she goes on her last job, everything falls apart and she gets shot protecting a friend near a barn. The friends I showed it to asked me why a woman that stole with good intentions died, they were expecting a happy ending, well I didn't give that ending to them because at the end of the story, my character was a criminal and paid for what she did, much like your version of Twilight.
I left the ending to my story rather narrow. To do that, I had the friend of the protagonist make sure no one forgot how generous and caring that deceased protagonist was. So if you went with something like Scootaloo making sure Twilight's legacy was destroyed, that would also be a good ending and one that is very interesting.
The last thing I would like to recommend is a bigger and better heist for the finale. It just didn't feel like the big finale was the best it could have been. The item that was stolen was great, but as for the job itself, I felt it could have been bigger. I'd leave suggestions for that, but I can't think of any appropriate for your story.
I hope you find great success in re-writing this tale into a full novel! I'll make sure to pick up a copy!
Twilight is the one that told the story and we saw it all through her point of view, so it makes sense that the story ends when Twilight. I think it's a matter of perspective: the story is about Twilight not Spike, Rainbow Dash or Celestia. It's really appropriate it you think about it and it puts the reader in the shoes of Twilight; we die with her and by being dead we can't and won't know what the future holds for the others.
I really don't think you should continue/revise the ending for Crime Pays. You were planning to add more of the main six right? But that would just cause more people to ask for more characters. For example Trixie, Waifu horse, and Starlight. Not to mention having to create a new Antagonist. I think it'll make Twilight's actions feel meaningless if you just decided that Spike and Scootaloo would just continue heisting. Wasn't that the whole reason Spike shot Twilight? Wasn't because Twilight wouldn't give up doing heists and was probably going insane.
Anyways what I would love is a epilogue on Scoot and Spike, sure leaving there would just be fine. Letting the reading decide what happened to Scootaloo and Spike, but it doesn't seem right. I mean Scootaloo isn't a well experienced in fighting, making money, basically anything that has to do with being successful in life. While Spike on the other hand/claw (hoof?) can easily live a peaceful life. It's just sad to imagine Scootaloo being killed or worse, raped.
Improvements would probably be to create a Scootaloo arc? She seemed so dependent on Rainbowdash so I can't even imagine what'll happen when she hears the news. And also try and make the characters tie into the actual show. Rainbowdash was great, you make her loyal as fuck and then she gets killed.
I can't really tell any references from the show relating to Rarity. And I already forgot about Applejack. (well she is a backround pony right?) Sorry i'm writing this based on my memory. Anyways it might be because I have a soft heart, but please senpai Scootaloo is fine right???????
4517948 I think you might be misunderstanding my question.
Crime Pays as it exists now will not be changed in any way, shape, or form. I want to make Crime Pays a novel, separate from the fanfic, separate from this site, separate from MLP.
Also, why assume rape? That's a pretty big jump.
4517957 arugh sorry I am pretty ignorant after all, and I may have read one too much Fallout Equestria fanfictions