A self-revelation · 4:57pm Mar 27th, 2017
This is just a collection of thoughts and moods I have. I think it would be good to express them in writing in hopes of finding guidance or in the very least to share a sense of belonging with someone in a similar plight.
I realize that many of you may only be here for the Shattered Skies story so just a heads up this has little to do with the story.
Starting is always the hardest part, even in life, but in my case I feel that going on as I am is like crawling up a mountain on my back. I'm sure many of you have been there; you go day in and day out, you feel like a person trapped in stale skin. A clock ticks and you can't even see it, but the ticking persists. Basically, you feel lost as I do now.
I started my life right out of highschool with joining my nation's military, the us army. I had a few under 'pay-under-the-table' jobs before then amidst the thousand applications I threw out in hopes of getting a better job. I never liked the people around me in the army, since we were at the height of two wars they took anyone that applied and even fudged paperwork to beef the numbers, i.e. lie to keep people in. I liked my job, it was money, but I left when it was my time, it wasn't my place anymore, the military draw down after iraq removed many of us that didn't have much planned.
Fast forward a few years, a college education, snot-nosed stuckup kids, and some training later, I came into my current line(s) of work; public safety. Like my father before me I became a 'Peace Officer.' With badge, gun, and hopes in tow I began work while working a second part time job at a local business for some extra cash, I like money.
With now having a few years under my belt with being exposed to the line of work, I see the same sickness in my colleagues that affected the Army, and even stretched back to my schooling. I don't know what to call it, or where it comes from, but it touches almost everyone I work with. And before you think this is some Stephan King novel, let me just say I'm just typing this up slowly and trying to be concise, there's no literal monster, just context as to my current frame of thought.
I've given my department a good chunk of my life and I have nothing to show for it. I'm treated with indifference and once again feel essentially alone. The department constantly talking about letting people go due to budget, and then there are general issues that the command and city takes against us for no real reason than to further their own political agendas by making us scapegoats.
The last week opened my eyes. I watched a video by a YouTuber I follow and in it he basically explains why he feels lost, and it made me look at my life a little harder. Recently, I had to attend training and during the training, people would be in there little groups, however, I stood by waiting my turn alone. I perform well enough, but people always acted scared when I try talking to them, they get shifty eyed and clam up. It like this everywhere, secrets and misinformation that get you in hot water.
I have work tonight and am just not motivated to go in, I just don't care anymore. You give your all both in mind and body for something only to be told you aren't good enough, but you do everything on time and in the way it should be done. Then you find out that someone that should have your back and that has literally 15 years of seniority over you is going behind your back to tell the command everything you do wrong. Succeeding in an environment like that isn't easy, or healthy.
My life has literally been powering through one obstacle to the next. Whenever something got harder, I just pushed harder, even the physical training I do I push hard. But like my mind, my body hit a barrier; it doesnt want to go as fast, far, or as hard as I tell it to anymore. Me being in my mid-twenties, I shouldn't hit these issues yet, so to me it only stands to reason that deep down in my mind the issue of me feeling lost is serious and I've lost my determination to keep it up and even my motivations are falling by the way-side.
I believe this fandom, the good content and the people, brought me out of a slump once and sustained me for years.
There is no real goal to this blog, again, I just wrote this to relieve pressure by writing about what's on my mind in hopes someone has worked through their own trials enough to give me words that may help.
I'm always here if ya need a listening ear. However, if you want to know how I deal with this stuff, I'll list it below.
1. If people don't like you, then fuck em. There is no reason to think nor worry about someone else unless you aspire to be their friend.
2. Stop thinking.
3. Outline your goals and leave em be. Anything more than this is worrying, and worrying is useless.
4. Masturbate more.
5. Never indulge in pettiness. It may feel giddy at first, but it's not good for your overall health.
I share many of your frustrations with other people that always seem to be weary and suspicious of anyone who tries to make an acquaint with you, and you have to work really hard on being persuasive to get them to open up to you just a little, and that they won't just simply give you an honest chance. It is also frustrating when people are only friendly with you because you can provide you with something that they want or need from you and then for get all about you in the aftermath or that they are not willing to reciprocate the gesture with the same amount of trust in their things as you did with them. Or, that it never seems t o click between you and others that seem interesting to know more about them.
For what I can say, is that acting acting the same way as they do out of spite or bitterness only reinforce that type of thinking in a group that only see you as acquaintance at best, and in the end you would only be acting the exact same way as they do and become like them, which is something that I hope that you don't want to become like that.
My suggestion, if you are interested in it, would to meet people to meet other would be to join community services or other volunteer groups that are always in need of help and are often very welcoming to other. Helping people because you want to instead of because you have to do really give a new outlook on how to see life in general and helps refreshing with the fact that the work in is only limited to how much you want to invest in it. I hope this helps you in some way.
the fandom has certainly been a place
I don't know if it's really the same thing but for a couple years now i just can't seem to care. Like i go through life day by day and do what's expected of me and stuff like that but i don't have any real motivation to do anything but that. Like I can't get myself to care. Like there are some momentary reprieves if I'm doing something with some friends and having a good time but other that that I guess I feel like emotionally dead.I don't really have any advice to help with that if that's also what you feel your going through but your not alone in it if that helps.