CCC: cleverpun's Critique Corner #30 — Gnosis · 7:59am Feb 10th, 2017
Today’s story is yet another one of those that is hard to discuss without spoilers. Not only does it revolve around a mystery/twist/so forth, but it has a very understated mood and execution. I have done my best to review it without spoilers, but one can only make their references so oblique without giving something away.
Title: Gnosis
Author: Morning Sun
Found via: Requested review (I had it on my read later list before that, though, I think from the Royal Canterlot Library?).
Short summary: There are many ponies that surround Celestia. Doctors and secretaries and maids and countless others. This is a character piece about a small handful of those ponies.
Except that’s not true, not at all.
The Title/Description: This is one of those descriptions that is intentionally vague in order to mask the story’s intentions. I’m not sure this was the right approach to take, since the Mystery tag is a huge indicator about what to expect from the story right from the beginning.
The title makes no sense to me. Is it a meta reference to the twist itself? It doesn’t really seem to refer to anything in the story, except in perhaps the most circuitous possible way.
Genre(s): Mystery, Twist Delivery, Dark, Subversive Character Piece
What does this story do well?: I think the first strength of the story is the way that it introduces characters quickly and efficiently. Each section of the story introduces a particular palace staff member, and each of them have a concrete personality that is broadcast to the audience effectively. Each of them has a lot told about them in narration, certainly, but there are also lighter touches here and there. I liked the way the doctor’s speech used excessive exclamation points, in particular.
The story’s second strength is its atmosphere. Just as there are lots of little details that introduce the characters, there are also a lot of little details that hint at the nature of the reveal. If I were the type to reread stories, I suppose this would be a good candidate. It’s one of those stories where the little details in hindsight pop out more. I’ll avoid citing too many for spoiler reasons, but I think my favorite was the brief focus on Raven’s smile.
Both of these factors combine into what is perhaps the most unique about this story. I listed this story’s genre as “Subversive Character Piece”, because that was the best way I could think of to describe it. It is a story of one genre (Dark Mystery) that is masquerading as another (Slice of Life Character Piece). The surface genre serves not only to obfuscate the reveal, but it flaking away also makes said reveal more emotionally impactful. Thematically speaking, it’s quite apropos, considering the nature of the twist.
Where could this story improve?: I have said in the past that the best twists and reveals shouldn’t take too long to figure out. The longer it takes to decipher a reveal, the less impact it will have. This is one of those stories whose reveal is just subtle enough that it takes a bit of effort to figure out. I mean, the storiy drops some pretty blatant hints about it near the end, and I imagine most readers will figure it out without much effort. But the implications of the story take a while to sink in, and I think that reduces the potency of the story as a whole. Of course, one could also make the opposite case: because the reveal takes a little bit of mental effort, and because its implications take longer to sink in, it creates a less intense but longer-lived series of emotions.
I think another tricky part of the story is how the story portrays the conflict/antagonist. Or rather, how it doesn’t portray them. The story is so subtle and so much is left up to the imagination that it actually makes some things harder to accept. It’s one of those things that is easy to go along for the ride, but ruminating on it afterward raises some questions. I’m not sure what the story could have done to alleviate this, however, without spoiling its understated mood. And in fairness, the story does take some steps to answer the logistics of it all. (Notice how each character’s section ends with them being alone with the previous character.)
In a single sentence: An atmospheric and capable story, if a bit of slow burner.
Verdict: Upvote. This is one of those stories that takes an idea (masking a mystery in another genre) and executes it impressively. All of the things I listed as potential areas of improvement are ultimately subjective, because they are a (presumably) intentional result of this central idea.
I think that this is one of those stories, however, that is best read for oneself. Its premise and execution are not going to be for everybody. The payoff at the end (both emotional payoff and the payoff of figuring out the twist) is extremely understated. After reading the story and stewing over the implications, I almost felt more bewildered, rather than quietly horrified. But in spite of all this, I would definitely recommend giving it a try.
Thanks a heap for this! It's definitely beneficial even all this time later to see what does/doesn't work for people. It being too subtle is often the most common issue - but it's a very fine line to walk because I want people to have the dawning realization of the reveal.
To answer your question about the title: It's going off the idea of 'Gnosis' as a level of deeper knowledge. When you read the surface-level story, it's about Celestia getting ill. When you understand what's really going on? You've been cursed, in a way. You can never go back to the previous innocence; because you now know, everything is forever recast in a new light. It's sort of aping the idea of religious mystery in that regard, in that one is inducted into a group and joined by virtue of knowing things others don't. That, and I really really like The Usual Suspects, and how the ending reframes the entire movie, which is what my goal was here.
For a bit I was concerned you didn't quite pick up the series of events, but the final spoiler text makes it clear you did.
But as for the last - as for the lack of fully revealing the antagonist, that is deliberate. I don't want to hand readers everything that happened, because disquiet thrives on not knowing. They can fill in most of the blanks, but the very end? Even I don't quite know. I know it's Celestia. I know she's kept perpetually dazed while They feed. But the Greater Equestria? I never quite figured that out myself. That aspect is drenched in a sort of Twilight Zone fog - perhaps even literally, in that one idea I've tossed around is nothing even exists anymore, outside the palace. They have their source of food; nothing else is needed.. But even I don't know, and that I left open to the reader.
I'm curious though - what aspect left you bewildered? It looks like you understood all the major beats to it all.
And again, thank you very much for taking the time to review the story, I appreciate it
4416481 You're welcome!
I started writing reviews on request because of the dialogue it created with the author. I'm glad there was something mildly helpful among my ramblings.
As I noted in the review, I had a suspicion that the title was a meta-textual reference. I suppose it is technically an accurate allusion, in that sense. Remember, though, that the title is the first thing which advertises your story to potential readers. It should entice them to read your story, because it is the very first impression they will have. The title certainly matches the theme of the story, but I don't think it represents the story well.
I don't have any issue with open-ended or speculative endings in stories. In fact, it's a quality that I've worked very hard to incorporate into my own stories. And so far, what I've learned is that there's a fine line between "vague" and "open-ended". A story can and should ask questions, absolutely. But it also needs to conclude.
A story needs to give the reader some answers about what happened and why; Gnosis does those two. The next step, however, is to also give readers a story an idea of where things are going to go. It doesn't need to be concrete. It doesn't even really need to get into any details. Yet it should give a trajectory, an implied direction. And that's where I think Gnosis falls short of greatness. It gives us the what and why, but doesn't give any clue of what next? Even a single additional sentence could've alleviated this, but again, this is a hard thing to judge with a story so committed to subtlety.
It's less that I was bewildered. What I was trying to say was that the effort of figuring out the twist sort of dulled the emotion of the ending. I was so caught up in trying to speculate on what the ending meant, that I didn't have any brainpower left to be creeped out. Instead of the reveal smacking the reader in the face, it gradually sneaks up on them and taps them on the shoulder.
This is a bit of an exaggeration, of course. It's just that the story is so subtle that it almost works against itself. And again, I realize this is what you were going for: a gradual, dawning reveal. Like all things in fiction, it's almost too subjective to say for sure what "works" and what doesn't, because all readers are different. Feel free to ask for clarification if I'm not explaining myself that well.
Sidebar: Memento is probably your kind of movie. I would also recommend Bastion and Transistor.
4416515
Ahh. I suppose to me the 'what next' is answered in the following sentence : Luna kissed her cheek. “Rest, sister. Equestria awaits your recovery, and rest assured, we know that your love for them is an endless reservoir. I shall see you when you awaken.” - > What's next is the bolded part; they have their Princess of Food. Beyond that - I can't answer the question because even I don't know!
As for what it meant, hee. One problem there may be I didn't really intend to mean anything with it; it's more a mood piece than me trying to make any sort of statement. But yea, I want readers to get things - but as a good example, the exact line between Blatantly going 'And 'Luna' hummed This Day Aria to herself, because she's actually Chrysalis now' versus the way I wove it is a hard one to walk. I don't want to hammer the reader in the face, because I find it satisfying myself when it all 'clicks'; the big challenge is in how to ensure that happens for the maximum number off readers in a satisfying way.
That, and as you noted - it's a story in many ways meant to be read twice. Once with innocent eyes, and once with Knowing.
4416522 For myself, I thought that the very last line was a pretty strong indicator of where the story was going, particularly the "dust accumulated upon long untended tables." But again, it took a fair bit of internal speculation to arrive at a conclusion.
I think that you hit on the major challenge: helping "the maximum number of readers" understand it is the true issue. The story is so subtle that you can't really guarantee that without dumbing it down (and missing the point of the story in the process).
This is a story that is hard to critique for that very reason. I think that, all things considered, the story is good. It has a specific goal (to induce paranoia) and its execution fulfills that goal very well. And again, I think that its main gimmick--of pretending to be a different genre than it really is--works very well. But because it is so subjective, it's also a hard thing to recomend to others, because you can't know how they will react.
The perils of creative fiction.
4417909 Yea, about the only thing I can think of that may work is making This Day Aria more blatant. Otherwise, as you say, upping one thing has costs in another area. Ah, well, the perils of writing!