I've been writing online for thirty years. One of these days I might actually get good at it.
I mean, I'm not allowed beer anymore, at least not until I get off some of these damnable medications, but our little table had massive fun discussing Jenga, photography, classic and modern weaponry, beer (of course) -- and ponies. Apparently they'd read my stuff. Who knew?
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Did they like your stories? I'm still afraid to show anyone I know my stuff - I mean, I did show my mum Misinterpreted, and she thought it was an interesting method of writing, but... well.
I'm glad you had fun. Are you doing okay these days?
4301688
They approved. Youngest member of the party, barely 18, had a cap with 12 buttons on it -- and half of them were the Mane Six.
I've always been pretty open about this stuff; the only place I can hide these days is in plain sight.
Actual physical condition has deteriorated this fall; there will be a medical examination a week from today. I am not hopeful; then again, I am not deceased either.
Nice. I remember commenting on the MLP shirt of ONLY person ever during my tenure as a manager at the old liquor store to WEAR ONE IN PUBLIC - it was awkward. I feel the same about my writing. I dunno. I like keeping secrets like this! I'm completely anti-social, but here's this wicked-sweet secret life! ... it's okay, eh.
Mm. I offer my prayers and hopes, my friend. I wish I had more. Ugh! Emotional now! SHUTTING UP.
4302914
For what it's worth, I collapsed this morning on the bathroom floor and had to be hauled off to the emergency room. I really think my number is up.
4304210
... what? Are you still in hospital? ARE YOU BEING TREATED WELL!?
Don't say that, Dusty! PLEASE!
4304214
They drained about 7 liters of fluid from me and sent me home.
I'm apparently not entirely helpless yet: I managed to crawl all the way down the hallway to get to a phone, while the floodwaters rose. But I don't know if I have any reserves left.
4304234
They sent you home? ... are you being looked after by anyone?
4304245
Not really, no. I don't think it's going to matter in the long run, anyway. (For "long run," read "the next couple of weeks," which I suspect will be my last.)
4304317
No. No.
4304344
I thought at the very least I would outlive Desert Brush.
4304384
This is horrible. I mean... how is it you're alone? Nobody is there to look after you? Comfort you?
My dad died alone. I have never forgiven myself for not being there for him, but I had to work, and he went in his sleep after we were ASSURED he had WEEKS TO LIVE. I just... I am beyond emotions right now. Dusty! I love you. I love your writing! You are a tender, thoughtful, charismatic artist, and I am crying right now and I can't stop and my eyes are blurry and I don't know what to do or say anymore.
Oh God I am a mess. OH NO.
4304449
I didn't learn how to avoid alienating people until I was past 50, and by then everyone had gotten as far from me as possible; over the years I've wronged enough folks to conclude that I deserve to die alone and forgotten. Never was all that good at fence-mending.
4304458
Oh no. Oh no. I explained to my mother why I was making seal noises in the living room, and she told me that "life is an experience, and then we move onwards".
I don't know what to think. My eyes sting, and I am so so sorry to lose you too soon. You inspire me, and you have always been a sweet person to me, and I need you to know that you will always be dear to me. I don't know what else to say.
4304466
There is, of course, the slight possibility that I could be wrong about all this. My best chance, I think, might be to lose everything below mid-thigh and work a chair. i would, of course, lose my home -- it's too old to retrofit for a chair user. And that thought is rather repellent in itself.
Right this minute, though, I feel like all the elements are failing me at once.
4304469
My dad went the way he wanted to, to a point. If you can save any of yourself, as he wanted to, I would say do it. His biggest regret was that he didn't take chances when he had the opportunity, and ... I don't want that for anyone. Take a chance. Live as long as you can. All my dad wanted was to come home one last time, and he could have if he'd just stopped being so damnably stubborn. I still think about how much he cried for losing that chance. I don't know what to recommend.
4304479
My old man was wonderfully stubborn. Some time in 1999 they told him he had maybe six months left; he held out until the day after Christmas 2006.
A lot of my "viewpoint" here is based on those I've already lost: I had four siblings, all of them younger, and three of them now gone. My mother never made it to 50. I can't help but wonder why I'm still here.
4304488
I feel the same way, regarding my life and health and my family. Like, how does it make sense that so many with such promise pass on, and here I am with ... regret? Loss? Guilt? Hoping I can be as good in life as they were, I guess? I don't know. A million things go through my mind, to this day, and every moment of levity or simple fun I have these days becomes a guilty weight comparatively.
I broke my back twenty years ago. I was paralyzed for a year, bound to a wheelchair and requiring constant care. Have I told you this before? This isn't a secret, eh. I bring it up in appropriate conversation. I am still not right, but I manage. I have health issues and manage as best I can for my mother and family and ... not much for myself. Why is that? My father (while coherent), my uncles, aunts, friends and so on - a lot of folks I got to see before they moved along, they were concerned with everyone else but themselves.
My dad asked me, two days before he gave up and accepted his opiate cocktail of death, "do I even know who you are?" It still twists me into knots, that. I was always my mum's daughter - he had David, and they did guy things. I eventually ended up doing office and service work at the bar my dad frequented, and accidentally worked there for longer than a decade (service work is a trap, because the comraderie belies the terrible pay). I told him what all of my co-workers told me: "you are your father with tits". I expected to laugh, but neither of us did. He just squeezed my hand.
I don't know why I told you all of this. It's maudlin. I am sorry. My mind is racing like crazy and I can't catch up, because you are my friend and an artistic influence and so many good things to me and I can't help but just babble because I am SO LOST.
Fuck.
4304519
I just wish I had some reason to think I'm going to recover from all this. I'd hoped to be out of the walker by mid-September; here we are, two months later, and I'm more dependent on it than ever.
There is no sense to either birth order or death order, I believe. There's this really rare genetic disease that wasn't even discovered until 1969, by which time it apparently had taken out a couple of cousins. It got my brother a few years back. I don't have it, so far as I know.
4305356
I just hope you'll make it. I really want that.
4305924
I just wish I could face all this with a stout heart. Mostly, I'm frightened, and I don't do fright well.
4306599
*hugs tightly*
Don't lose hope yet. Please.
4307078
First thing Monday morning I get to schlep down to the doctor's office, which may be interesting.
For what it's worth, I may not be a candidate for deep-vein thrombosis, which is one of the scarier ailments.