Read It Now Reviews #95 – FlutterDash Contest Reviews #3 – Rainbow Dash Wants to Babysit, Changing for the Better, Left Behind, Embarrassing Things Happen Sometimes, Something Happened · 7:59pm Oct 27th, 2016
Set three of the Flutterdash contest entry reviews!
Today’s stories:
Rainbow Dash Wants to Babysit by GrapeMelon
Changing for the Better by thedarkitty
Left Behind by Shrink Laureate
Embarrassing Things Happen Sometimes by RainbowDasher21
Something Happened by SamRose
Rainbow Dash Wants to Babysit
by GrapeMelon
Romance, Slice of Life
5,654 wordsOne year ago, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash began dating, and now they're trying to come up with something special to do to celebrate. However, Pinkie Pie asks Fluttershy to babysit the Cake twins on the night of their big date. For whatever reason, Rainbow Dash volunteers to look after the foals, and includes it as part of their date. Just what's gotten into her?
Why I added it: FlutterDash Contest!
Review
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are planning their one-year anniversary, only for Pinkie Pie to show up and interrupt them, begging Fluttershy to babysit for the Cake twins the next evening. Fluttershy isn’t so sure about trading in her date night for that, but Rainbow Dash immediately accepts.
But why? What’s gotten into her?
This story is a fairly decent idea, but I have to admit while I liked the idea, I never found myself enthusiastic about the story. In the end, it felt kind of shallow – I never really ended up empathizing strongly with Rainbow Dash, and the story trying to keep it a mystery as to why Rainbow Dash is doing what she is doing didn’t help that one bit. While I guessed at what her real reason was fairly early on, it just didn’t feel like it went into much emotional depth, and there wasn’t a strong emotional drive pulling me through the piece. It was a series of events and minor mishaps, which is something the show already did when Pinkie Pie babysat for the twins, and this ended up coming off as weak by comparison to the actual episode in the show.
That being said, the story did manage a complete plot arc, and actually had some greater meaning behind the actions of the characters, which is always something I like to see. I just would have liked to actually feel something by the end.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Changing for the Better
by thedarkitty
Romance
3,849 wordsTwo years Fluttershy has been in a relationship with her lifelong best friend Rainbow Dash, during that time Rainbow has comforted and been a strong marefriend for her to lean on. After so long, shouldn't Rainbow deserve the same strength from her marefriend?
Why I added it: FlutterDash contest!
Review
Fluttershy wants to be more bold with her lover Rainbow Dash.
She goes to a therapist in Canterlot to teach herself how to be more bold.
After a single very brief scene with the therapist, we flash back to Fluttershy meeting Rainbow Dash as Rainbow Dash comes home from the Wonderbolts, and Fluttershy acts much more physically bold with her.
The end.
This story feels shallow. We’re presented with a problem, Fluttershy goes to a therapist to solve it… but we’re given it as something of a fait accompli afterwards. This is perhaps a bit unfair; Fluttershy does struggle to overcome her butterflies when Rainbow Dash walks in. But she keeps citing the therapy for why she could overcome them, when that’s really just a handwave for… what, exactly?
I’m left without being able to get into Fluttershy’s horseshoes, as her inner drive, despite being shown to us, is still something unseen. I felt detached from her.
The prose in this piece was also kind of rough, especially the first paragraph; there was a run-on sentence and several awkward grammatical constructions in there, which sort of set my expectations low for the rest of the story. Getting your first paragraph right is very important, because it can throw off a reader’s mindset and even discourage them from reading any further.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Left Behind
by Shrink Laureate
Drama, Slice of Life
4,714 wordsFluttershy has been called away on an adventure. An adventure without Rainbow Dash.
Why I added it: FlutterDash contest!
Review
Rainbow Dash sits around in Twilight’s castle, waiting for Twilight and Fluttershy to return from their first mission together (The Hooffields and McColts) – and Fluttershy’s first solo adventure ever.
The story flashes between past and present. We see Rainbow Dash when she’s younger and her determination to look after Fluttershy, including the sacrifices she made in moving to Ponyville in order to look after her, as well as the aftermath of Dragonshy, and other glimpses of the past. This is interspersed with the present, with conversations with Spike, Applejack, and Rarity about ponies growing up and growing on their own, as well as what Fluttershy means to Rainbow Dash.
This is a very nice piece about worrying about someone else and watching them grow as a person, and it does a good job of showing off its central theme – as well as Rainbow Dash’s feelings about it – from multiple angles. It is nice and cohesive, and almost every scene (with one exception) does a good job of hitting on the theme.
If I had a complaint, it would be that the scene with Zephyr Breeze and Gilda didn’t really feel like it did much to further the story; it did reveal a little, but it didn’t feel like it hit on the theme as strongly as the rest of the piece.
Overall, I liked this. It isn’t a shipfic (though folks with shipping goggles can interpret it as such); rather, it shows off the (platonic) relationship between the two, and how Rainbow Dash feels both about Fluttershy specifically and about growing as a person in general. It does a good job of developing Rainbow Dash as a character, as well as her relationship with Fluttershy. If you’re in the market for a kind of subdued character development piece, this is up your alley.
Recommendation: Recommended.
Embarassing Things Happen Sometimes
by RainbowDasher21
Romance, Sad, Slice of Life
10,877 wordsWe all know the story: two people are dating, they go to a party one night, one of them drinks a little bit too much, and they end up doing something extremely embarrassing.
It's no different for Rainbow Dash. For over a year now, her and Fluttershy have been dating. Rainbow's relationship with the yellow pony has been the greatest relationship she's ever had. Sure, it hasn't always been easy, they've had their ups and downs: times where things have been perfect, while there's been other times where things have been difficult. But, never-the-less, the two of them have never regretted being together. That is, until one day...
At one of Pinkie's recent parties, Rainbow Dash drunk more apple cider than she could handle. Then, before she even knew it, she was kissing Fluttershy, in front of EVERYONE - Pinkie, Rarity, Twilight, Applejack, Mr & Mrs Cake and their two foals, and even Shy's and Dash's own parents. Now, Rainbow Dash is beginning to have regrets: the type of regrets where there is something that you wish that you'd never done it, or if your mind feels that depressed, even regrets about being born.
Fluttershy doesn't want Rainbow Dash to be sad, she doesn't like seeing her upset. Especially as upset and embarrassed as she feels right now. Rainbow Dash helped her when she was having hard times, now it's time for Fluttershy to help her special pony during her own time of panic and worry...
Why I added it: FlutterDash Contest!
Review
Honestly, the description of this story pretty much summarizes what the story is about. Rainbow Dash gets drunk at a party, makes out with Fluttershy on a couch, and the two get so occupied in that that they don’t notice that they are in front of God and country.
The second half of the story is the resolution. Unfortunately, I don’t ultimately buy Rainbow Dash’s sheer despondancy here; it feels very extreme and rather out of character, especially given what a show-offy extrovert she is. Her feelings don’t feel like Rainbow Dash’s feelings, I didn’t feel like there was an adequate lead-up to justify them, and ultimately it doesn’t really feel like the reaction fits the character. That’s not to say that Rainbow Dash doesn’t ever get really upset – she does, and we’ve seen her get upset. But the things she tends to get really upset about are personal failures, and we don’t really get a great sense of that here – it was just embarrassing.
This story also has rough prose. Beyond some textual oddities (it uses & instead of “and” at least once), it also seems very preoccupied with exactly how long things take, with lots of mentions of five minutes, two minutes, ect. These make for some kind of awkward transitions.
Ultimately, this story didn’t really end up pulling me in very well; the prose kept me at an arm’s length, and I didn’t really buy Rainbow Dash feeling the way she did.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Something Happened
by SamRose
Drama, Equestria Girls, Romance, Sad
13,194 wordsRainbow Dash and Fluttershy are best friends. They have been best friends for as long as they could remember.
But something happened one day. Something that made Rainbow Dash realize just how important Fluttershy really was to her.
Why I added it: FlutterDash contest!
Review
Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash knew each other as kids. When they were both in elementary school, Fluttershy’s mom got sick – the story is vague about with what, but it sounded like it might have been brain cancer, given it changed her behavior. In any case, while Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash liked hanging out, there was something wrong in Fluttershy’s life – and then, after Fluttershy’s mother died, things got worse.
A lot worse.
She withdrew into herself and was an empty shell. She started wearing long-sleeved shirts. She had a strange bruise on her arm.
And then, she and her father moved away.
Years later, Rainbow Dash, too, moved away, and started going to a certain high school. She found Fluttershy again, and began making other friends, before Sunset Shimmer came along and messed it all up.
And she’s still wearing those long-sleeved shirts.
This is a story about Rainbow Dash losing a friend, and then getting her back… but there’s something wrong with Fluttershy. Something which the story rather heavily hints at, and which is spoilered in the story summary as a trigger warning. It isn’t terribly well-hidden, though.
If I was just judging on the quality of prose, this would have made my top three. However, it ended up missing out because, while it is nicely written, the story as a whole doesn’t end up quite coming together as a piece. While there is a resolution of sorts, it doesn’t quite feel like it is earned – we spend the whole story watching it sort of build up to Rainbow Dash realizing just what is going on, and then… it sort of feels like the air comes out of the story, as we get an emotional breakdown, and while Rainbow Dash pledges to protect Fluttershy (and we find out what exactly happened to Fluttershy’s mom), it ultimately doesn’t feel like the payoff was fully the result of the two protagonists, but rather something of a plot contrivance (albeit a logical one). It just sort of happened, but it didn’t feel like it was “earned” by Rainbow Dash’s actions – a secondary character in the story ended up giving Rainbow Dash a bit more of a view into what was going on, resulting in Rainbow Dash finally confronting Fluttershy about it rather than letting it fester.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Summary
Rainbow Dash Wants to Babysit by GrapeMelon
Not Recommended
Changing for the Better by thedarkitty
Not Recommended
Left Behind by Shrink Laureate
Recommended – My favorite entry in the contest
Embarrassing Things Happen Sometimes by RainbowDasher21
Not Recommended
Something Happened by SamRose
Not Recommended
There’s one more set of these coming up, containing the last few stories, and then two more review sets this weekend.
Number of stories still listed as Read It Sooner: 159
Number of stories still listed as Read It Later: 545
Number of stories listed as Read It Eventually: 2035
I'd just like to point out that "Left Behind," his favorite story from the contest, features Fluttershy crying at some point. Big shocker right?
4273925 Well, I heard it was obligatory for this contest...
Thanks for the recommendation, TD. Your comments about the Zephda scene are entirely fair. I fear it may have been kept in less because it fit the story and more because I just liked it in isolation. Given time I could perhaps have worked it into the story better.
Left Behind was really good. :D I actually adore the bit with Gilda and Zeph, it was the ButtonBelle which threw me.
4274192
You're welcome! I'm going to have to check out One Night in a Storm.
I'd like to read Changing for the Better, all NUMBER words of it!
4275714
Hah, thanks! Fixed~
Eeh, couldn't agree more with your review of my story.
Like I said, I'm not truly happy with it anyway. It was rushed, Rainbow's feelings just weren't that realistic, and it really was just simply, as Dudley from Street Fighter 3 would put, "Gutter trash".
Not recommended? Yep. I would most certainly agree. It deserves more dislikes than likes really.
However, that's why I really wish to make Fluttershy's Secret (my current long, on-going story) my greatest story ever - I want it to be something unique, special. Also, I'll be sure to make the emotions much more 'in-character', seeing as I didn't do a good job of it here.
As for the minutes thing, yeah... I just thought that it was a good idea at the time...
Clearly not.
The recommendation for 'Something Happened' feels inconsistent with the rest of the review of it heh. You like, give the story nothing but positive remarks and then end the review with 'but the ending leaves something to be desired, so not recommended.'
Which I can certainly see where you're coming from on that point, and I'm not entirely sure how I would change the ending to make it more impactful, but sometimes you need someone else to point something out to you for it to really click in your head. Lord knows that's happened to me more times than I can count.
Either way, thank you for the review, I did enjoy reading it and the others you had up here