Record Ripoffs (Into The New Millenium We Go!)

Jesse's about to drag the Record Ripoffs concept kicking and screaming out of the vinyl age and into the Internet age.

(Should've been bleeped for our purposes. Sorry.)

Because you really didn't need to get on the dance floor this past decade, Death Clock Records is somewhat proud to bring you . . .

MOLDY
TUNES FROM
THE '90s

Hits like . . . PHONY CALLS by WAY
and . . . ONE SOUR NIGHT by Cariah Marey ft. Girlz II Women

Also including
I'm Not Gonna Do It for You
WILLIAM CLINTONS

COPPER'S PARADISE
Uncoolio

Lacking Irony
ARTANIS UPSETTE

SAVE THE WORST FOR FIRST
The Queen of Grouchland

I Don't Really Want It That Way
BACKSTREET BOYS
(once they heard this album)

HAVE YOUR CREDIT CARD READY . . . ORDER TODAY!

We've got quite a lot of fossilized dung to go through. I wanted to get the record ripoff concept out of the vinyl era because we've been so far there.

So I've been thinking about introducing the Record Ripoff concept to THE '90S!!!! And to that, I hear you all giving a collective boo.

These CDs come to us from a company presently known as Madacy Lifestyle Marketing, a company out of Canada that occasionally puts out the original hits (for the most part, as long as they've been in the public domain for so long); they, more frequently, have artists come in well after their prime and have them re-record their old hit songs. Case in point:

These aren't either one of those. These are full-blown rip-off albums. They're both by the Countdown Singers, who have practically made a career out of doing such a thing.

The first one is '90s Chartbusters. And take a look at the (quite literal) cover of that album:

The album has a version of ''One Sweet Day'', originally by Mariah Carey ft. Boys II Men, that sounds like it was actually recorded one sour evening. There's a rendition of TLC's ''Waterfalls'' that actually will keep you chasing them. Still, there's a version of ''This Is How We Do It'' from THE NUTTY PROFESSOR (think: Eddie Murphy, not Jerry Lewis) that will make you shout, in retaliation, OH REALLY?!?! And then we have a rendition of Toni Braxton's ''Unbreak My Heart'' about a woman who begs a former lover to return and undo the pain he has caused, which isn't probably gonna happen but . . .

Enjoy the montage, everyone!

0:07 - I think the piano needs some Valerian Root.
0:25 - ''All Ike wanted to say''?
0:51 - I told Mariah Carey she needed to stop dating The Marlboro Man.
1:05 - ''Knowing you heal me''? That doctor went right to work on her, didn't he?

0:20 - At least this one's the easy part.
0:32 - Had no idea Phyllis Diller once cut R&B songs. Makes me want to get some by R&B legends Shirley MacLaine and Cloris Leachman.
1:15 - ''Don't Go Making Phony Calls'' -- wait, ''Don't go chasing waterfalls''?

0:03 - I think the turntable needs some Lysol.
1:26 - ''Every since I was a lowercase B?''

0:05 - I think the guitar has a doctors appointment today.
0:22 - ''Don't leave me all this paint''?
0:41 - I think Toni has the hiccups. Get well soon Toni!

The other CD we'll look at today is Number 1 Hits: Today's Hits. I'll cap this off by saying, did I mention that both these CDs are from 2000?

0:08 - Christina Aguilera actually attended school with my 8th grade teacher. This lady attended school with . . . an intention to go to the bar afterward.
0:25 - ''Yo licking yo lips and no kisses my way''?

0:05 - A woman is singing this? How progressive!
0:50 - I now understand why people hate this song so much.

0:18 - I think the Backstreet Boys are tired. As in they have had a long day and they really need to go to sleep.
0:55 - ''Quit paying gays with my heart''? I wonder how they snuck Jerry Falwell into the sessions for this one?

0:04 - The late great Roger Ebert hated the Spice Girls. Hated hated hated hated hated the Spice Girls. Hated them. Yet somehow THIS would've made Ebert like them a little bit.

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