Reason for my Depression? · 5:15pm Aug 31st, 2016
Well, I had another spell yesterday. Amidst all the 80 minute classes, I couldn't get some MLP stuff out my head, concerning the Cutie Map and EG Magic, and another spell hit me. I just felt bad, and I couldn't make it stop.
I just felt sad. And I still do. 
But I started to think about why I feel so sad. Why does the Cutie Map bother me so much? Why do the elements of harmony bother me? Why does the EG magic bother me? Why did I write my OC becoming an element against canon? Why do I feel bad about myself whenever I think about Fluttershy ponying up or getting called by the map (or anypony really)?
I think it finally dawned on me.
Insignificance.
I think it was a comment by Art de Triomphe on one of my blog posts that made me have this epiphany.
Trigger warning: The rest of this blog post is going to be extremely narcissistic.
We all want to feel important. We all want to know that we contribute something to life. We all want to feel wanted. We all want to feel needed.
I think this is why I have such a problem with the elements of harmony and why I don't like the Cutie Map. These ponies are significant to Equestria. All six of them. As the season 5 finale showed us, all six of them are linked by the sonic rainboom, simultaneously earning their cutie mark indirectly from it (except Rainbow Dash who got it directly from the rainboom). Without that Rainboom, everything in Equestria is different. War ravages the land and everypony fights to survive. In another reality, Equestria is completely gone; nothing but a barren wasteland of nothing.
The main 6 are so important to Equestria, and whenever I watch them get called by the map or do something involving their elements, I just feel insignificant by comparison.
In the EG universe, even though the rules are abstract and frustrating, these girls are still important in the world. Their the only ones who can transform with magic, and without them Sunset would've taken over, or the Sirens would've dominated, and human Twilight would have no reason to investigate CHS and would've never become friend with any of them.
That's why I wrote Insecurity. Coppermane sees Fluttershy do everything she does, and he's amazed by it, but feels tiny by comparison. Then he begs the question: why did she settle for him? Why did she settle for someone so obviously inferior to her when she could have any guy she wants. Why did she choose him? Fluttershy reassures him that he has earned her heart, and says he doesn't have to be able to pony up to be amazing.
At least Coppermane has Fluttershy to tell him that.
I think this is why I feel so sad all the time and why I can't watch the show sometimes. I just feel insignificant.
This is why, even though I'm shy, I strive to be recognized. Why I want to be rewarded for what I do. Why I can't say no. Why I hate disappointing people. I want to feel important. I want to feel integral to the cause. I want to feel like in some way, shape, or form, I'm a cornerstone. It sounds selfish, but it's true. I always wanted to help during choir or theater because I want to show them I'm capable. I wanted to show them that I'm useful. And almost 100% of them time, they would ask someone else. And that someone else is the person that is the cornerstone already. Someone who is already important to the cause. Someone who would cause everything to collapse if they left. I can't remember the last time when someone asked me for help, and asked me first. I'm always at the bottom of the list.
What does that make me? Dead weight?
When I disappoint someone, I know that they realize I'm useless. I fall to the very bottom.
Sometimes I question my intelligence when I fail, because it's usually a petty mistake that could've been avoided. Then I disappoint, and thus I'm useless.
If the main 6 never existed, the world would end.
If I never existed, nothing would be different. Absolutely nothing. I don't mean killing myself, I mean if I were never born at all. If my existence was erased from time completely. In fact, I think life might be better if I weren't here. My parents would have more money. My roommate might have someone more pleasant to share the room with, instead of the quietest, most uninteresting person on earth. My friends could have someone more interesting as their friend. But I guess the last one doesn't matter because we've drifted apart anyways, because I never took any time for them, because I'm a terrible friend. I'm pretty sure everyone hated me in elementary school just because I was so weird. I couldn't help it. I didn't know how to talk to people. I'm autistic, so I didn't know how to communicate in a normal way. Even in middle school, I was the loser. I cried myself to sleep many nights because I felt so lonely, even hitting myself sometimes, punishing myself for being such a loser and a weirdo, and for pissing off everyone around me.
I feel like whenever I'm around people, they put on a happy face, and act like they like me. But when I'm not around, they vent about me. They vent about how annoying I am when I try to be funny, or how I always try to be a part of everything and I don't know my place.
I even talk shit about myself sometimes. It's why I cry myself to sleep. I bully myself in bed, and reduce myself to tears. I just imagine all the reasons why people could possibly hate me, and I picture them yelling at me about it. Or I just mess up really badly and completely ruin something. I just bully myself to tears until I fall to sleep.
I feel like my mind plays tricks on me whenever I have a dream about having a girlfriend. I even had a dream about having a girlfriend but she broke up with me in the meanest way possible, and it turned out she dated me on a dare. Do you know how bad that feels? To know you're so undesirable that the only reason anyone would ever date you is because of a dare? I think that's what my eighth grade crush did. She knew I liked her, and her friends probably dared her to act like she liked me back. And I totally bought it too, until freshman year when I was suddenly invisible again. I probably should've seen it coming, since she was a cheerleader and all. But I feel like if anyone were to ever date me, it would be on a dare. That's the only reason why anyone would "want" me. 
Or maybe am significant, in the sense that in some way I ruin everyone's life. Maybe if I were never born, everyone's life would be better in some way. It's possible, right? You don't have to be significant in a good way, right? It could just as likely be in a negative way.
The main 6 are all incredibly important to everything that happens in this world. They embody true harmony and friendship, and share it with everyone. They're all so important that Equestria collapses without them linked together. They're important to the survival of Equestria itself. That's how significant they are.
I feel like the most useless person ever. Every time I try to help, I mess up. Then people can't trust me because they know I'll mess it up. I feel like I contribute nothing, in fact I can't help but feel like I'm a detriment to everyone around me.
I think it's best if I do stay alone, because then I can keep my bothersome tendencies to a minimum.
I can help. Really... I can. But I probably shouldn't. I'll try, but I'll mess it up. Then you'll hate me.
I'm useless. I'm nothing. What am I even doing here? 
You are NOT useless! If you had never existed, the world would be different! 335 (as of right now) people would not have found out about your stories and wanted to read more! Over 300 people! I'd say that they would miss you. You're not useless.
Oh. I don't know what to say. I never thought that the Cutie Map would make you hit rock bottom.
Listen, Nord, don't bully yourself like that. You're not useless and I'll be sad if you either leave Fimfiction or die in an accident. Take my advice, stop watching MLP. If the Cutie Map is making you sad, then you should stop watching it. In fact, write a AU where the Cutie Map doesn't exist at all. It may sound strange, but I tend to focus more in headcanons and character development in fanfics rather than how the writers are currently portrating the characters.
But please, never and ever think you're useless.
First of all, I'm sorry if my comment triggered depression. That was certainly not my intention, I was merely trying to explain the phenomenon that you yourself are trying to wrap your head around.
That being said, everyone creates their own sense of significance and self-worth. Yes, there are people who are constantly told that they are important, but that is the vast minority of people.
For everyone else, we must create our own feeling of self-worth. For you, as an example, you have 335 people who believe you are a good enough author/person to keep track of everything you post on this site. If your stories make those people happy (which I have good reason to believe is the case) than that is a lot more than people do for their fellow man.
Also, conjecturing about what other's lives would be like if you had never been around is self-defeating. Anybody could do that, but it doesn't prove anything. All it does is make you feel worse about existing, which is not a healthy mindset to have. You are alive, and do exist, so you must make of it what you will.
Never think your useless. At least 335 people here like you for who you are and like what you've created. Your an awesome person and an awesome friend
I feel this every single day.
Every waking moment I just wodner 'when will I fuck it all up again?'
Every ache and pain feels like punishment for my mistakes.
Every moment of silence is a void in my sanity.
But there is one thing you should remember, something I always forget.
You are not alone.
And that means you're not useless. And there are people who will miss you.
NEVER forget that.
You're not useless making this post may help people realize. You try to help and that counts. You write stuff and people enjoy it. You are not useless, you are not nothing.
Just because you mess up helping doesn't mean someone will hate you for it.
And it might take a while to find someone is all.
Plenty would be different. This post may not be around to help people, some of your stories wouldn't be around to enjoy, One person can make a difference, so much that this can radiate from person to person to the person who seems like the main reason something was changed, but really it was you.
Well you're right, everyone want's to feel important because that's how things are now a days. Self-gratification isn't a bad thing in small doses, but it all comes down to how it's handled in larger doses. If you let it go to your head then there's an issue with self-esteem that needs to be worked out.
You are not usles stop thinking like that what woud your family and friends think if you died?
.
butt i think you are a great Guy that makes great stories you are my inspiration to keep going in life and to be better becus you have shown that even if you are depresst you can make somfing great. We at this fandom Love your work and we Love you
You don't have to be useless. Read that again. And then one more time.
I'll shoot it to you straight- most people will live average, pleasant, uninspired lives. They will not be great. They will not change the world. They won't achieve significance, but instead will settle for acceptance. Most people don't want to be great because it takes a helluva lot of work and some serious balls. Far too many people end up being useless and that's cause they choose to be.
Don't be that. You've got the incredible power to change your circumstances; to get pissed off and be mad about your lot in life. Life ain't giving you your lemons? Nail life in the fucking balls and demand your fucking lemons! Don't just accept everything that comes your way- get mad and fight for it!
You aren't useless, never tell yourself that you are. Everyone has a place in this world. You just have to find yours. Like 4183938 said, you have to grab life and demand it give you it's lemons.
Dude you're grappling with thin people a lot smarter then I am have decaded there lives to and still don't have an solid answer. Would the world be different without you? Or without me for that matter? In the grans sachem of things probably not. Were just to average joes trying to get by. But that also doesn't mean you or I are useless. We all change things in our little bubble of the world, and we change it in ways only we can. So you are as impotant as everyone else.
Well, listen man. I just want to say this on the behalf of all the fans you have and the ones who respect your works.
First off, you are NOT useless.
Your fans and friends always think of you important when you write those awesome fanfics, especially the ones you wrote for yourself with your own OC. And that's okay! because it makes you feel a bit better about yourself and you need something to relieve yourself from sadness. Forget those haters that backlash your stuff, they don't know what you have been through because they don't spend the time to know about your current situation.
At least you have let us know why you have depression in the first place because of that sole reason that makes you feel depressed. Please don't feel so down on yourself. It's not getting you anywhere to make you feel better, and you worry us about how you feel because we actually care for you.
We are all ears, Norydryd. Always remember that, and we, (including myself), will never unfollow you no matter what.
I'm not trying to be rude, but this needs to be said. It's a FUCKING children's show; I personally think you're looking way to deep into this. The Mane 6 are purposely created to be above everypony else; not only because they're the main characters of the show, but so they can act as fictional idols for little girls to think of before they act. Not so much magic and laughter, but the elements of honesty, kindness, generosity and loyalty are more or less the main themes of the show that can be taken and applied to the real world. That's why My Little Pony could be passed off as an educational show, because the themes that little girls will get from the show help them understand how to function in every day society and how to better themselves. Honestly, if it makes you that depressed, you just shouldn't watch the source material anymore. And who gives a holy damn about the Cutie Map? Would you be better off if it didn't only summon the Mane 6? If you had some Derpy, Lyra, Vinyl, etc. thrown in there?
Now, about how other people perceive you. Personally, I could care less what the hell people think of me. If you like me, cool. If you don't like me, cool. I'm not gonna beat myself up about not having the approval of one, two, hell, maybe even a whole group of fuckers. I don't strive to please everyone, just because of the simple fact that I never will. I don't care how goddamn perfect you are, it just won't happen. Honestly, thinking that you can please everyone is one of the easiest ways to make yourself feel like a disappointment, to tear yourself down, and to fail in life as a whole. Trust me, if you have true true friends, they'll definitely show themselves, and they'll stick by you through thick and thin, no matter what.
In short, as far as most people go, just give them a fat ass middle finger, bro. They're not worth your time. And if it means anything to you, here's one quote that has gotten me through many a bad day.
"People = Shit".
I just want to mention that this kind of thinking could be applied to other things, like:
"When the Power Rangers save the day, I feel useless."
"When the Avengers save the day, I feel useless."
"When the [insert team of chosen ones here], I feel useless."
You get the idea.
You're not useless,Sugarcube. Your stories have inspired people, and everyone, I mean EVERYONE is worth something
Believe it or not, you and I are both kind of in the same boat of feeling unimportant
. I had friends in the drama club in high school that I was never really close to, and we instantly fell apart the day after graduation. Not like there was any confrontation or anything. We just stopped speaking to each other, that's all
.
However instead of feeling sad about the whole thing: I honestly felt nothing. Hopefully that doesn't sound cold, but there's really no other adjective to describe it since despite being with them for a few years, there was still so much distance in between them and me; and I started growing jealous of how much better their lives have become compared to mine. You could say that's why I kind of connect with Luna as a waifu
.
My Asperger's has made it difficult to communicate with others as well, and I blame it constantly for who I am, and the direction I've gone in life. Although it was a mild case, and it apparently had gotten better with age, I know it's still there and ready to make itself apparent: which is mostly when I'm put under a lot of stress and pressure. That's why I had to quit my job as a Hy-Vee dish room clerk after half a year
. I'm now intending to work at a video game store since I feel I'll be in a more suitable zone.
I just wanted to let you know you're not by your lonesome in this kind of degree of questioning your existence
; and I'm sure there are others on this site that have the same problem we do, but don't have the will to come forward about it. Not really wise in my opinion
Dude, you're not useless.....let me repeat that, you have never and will never be useless. First of all, you are a talented person. You're stories are some of the best I have ever read and that's mainly due to the fact that I, myself, have had moments where I felt insignificant.
Everyone goes through this at least once in their lives and its nothing to be ashamed of or feel embarrassed to talk about. There have been times where I've felt insignificant and felt like I made no difference in anything I did. However, it's good that you're bringing your problems into the light and not keeping them bottled up. Doing that is probably the last thing you'd want to do. Keeping it locked away and never fully discussing it will only lead to more problems in the long run. Trust me, I've been there before and I'm lucky I was able to bring my problems out before I ended up making an even worse mistake.
Listen Nordryd, you're not the only one that's been dealing with this. We all have skeletons in our closet. As such, there are people willing to listen and help you. Your family and friends do care about you and having you in their lives has probably been good to them. I doubt they care about stuff like money or being 'interesting' to simply toss someone aside like trash. They care about you because you mean so much to them. Don't ever question that and don't ever forget that.
Also, don't ever think that you're not interesting. Everybody in this world is interesting because they have something about them that makes them unique and you are an interesting person. You're seem very kind, gentle, and very skilled in what you do and what you write.
Anyways, I've said all that I needed to say. So, my final words are to never lose hope and never look down on yourself.
Good luck to ya, man.