New Story - Need Editors (Done) · 1:30am Jul 12th, 2016
Well, I have made it home successfully. Time to relax.
And by that, I mean work on pony stories.
I know it is the day after BronyCon, but I need editors. It was a writeoff story originally, but I cleaned it up a bit; if someone could go over it, I could actually post a story in the near future, though I'll need to finagle up some cover art as well.
May Those Who Step Through This Door Know What it Means to Rule
Long ago, the rulers of Equestria stepped through a magical portal to prove their worth. Under Celestia’s rule, none have stepped though that portal in over a thousand years.
Luna thinks it is high time that Twilight learned what it means to rule.
Also, if that description doesn't sound interesting to you, or could be improved, let me know.
The story clocks in around ~2,600 words at present.
Also, I now have enough editors. Thanks to everyone who volunteered!
The description's all right. That title though...
Damn. Wasn't that part of the Distant Shores writeoff?
4085389 I'd try reading it for the title alone.
4085389
What the heck ever, that title's absolutely baller. The description's intriguing, too.
I don't exactly have a lot of experience with editing, but I'd love to give it a shot if you'd let me.
Calling them rulers twice is a bit redundant. I'd just go with, "Long ago, the rulers of Equestria stepped through a magical portal to prove their worth." for that sentence.
That description has certainly piqued my interest.
4085389
4085405
How about a (very rough) Latin translation? Quibus scire quid sit imperare fores per auras
4085435 Google translate is compelling me to tell you that it roughly translates into: Ignoscant autem qui sciunt quid sit imperare ostium per auras.
4085444
Got something similar to that on the initial pass, though I looked for translations that reduced word and syllable count as best possible to arrive at my translation.
I just hear "For those about to rock, we salute you!"
I'll edit! :D
The first sentence of the description is kinda vague. What did the door do? Was it an actual ritual for choosing rulers, like pulling Excalibur from its stone? Or was it just an optional recommendation?
The second sentence is worded a bit awkwardly. It's ambiguous as to what prevented them from stepping through it. The reference to time also seems needlessly specific. Perhaps you could use something like "After Celestia’s stepped through, none have felt the need to since." But even that doesn't really solve the issue.
The third sentence is a bit muddled. There's so many adjectives and verbs that following the sentiment is harder than it should be. Phrasing it as what "Luna thinks" also makes the focus of the story unclear: is it about Luna or Twilight?
If it's trying to be vague intentionally, then I think it missed "intriguingly vague" and went into just "vague".
I also agree with 4085389 about that title... If you're a fan of the single word title, then maybe something like Threshold or an equivalent synonym will strike your fancy/better represent the story.
4085435 If we needed a way to make the problem worse, that would certainly be it
4085528
How about this?
I'd edit if any are still needed.
Happy to take a look if you're still looking for editors; good a way as any to get back into this whole writing thing.
4085566 "Lean" should be "learn". Bit of pronoun confusion there as well, as "their" in "their greatest secrets" sounds like it refers to the successors. So they go in to learn their own secrets. Gee...
Also, based on that description, I'd hope the story provides a reason why Twilight has to go, but Cadance, who comes into rulership before Twilight and rules a bigger, possibly independent empire rather than not really ruling a small town (or anything at all), doesn't...
4085566
Pronoun confusion? Are the successors learning their own greatest secrets, or the secrets of their ancestors? Spelling error. I would add in a comma to delineate the clauses more effectively.
I think some active voice here might help a bit.
I still feel like this sentence is a bit muddled. Especially since its the last sentence, it should provide a clearer hint as to the focus of the story. If the focus is just Twilight or just Luna, then rephrasing it to emphasize her role/conflict will provide a better hook. If the focus is both of them, then the description could present that in a better way.
"Luna thinks Twilight needs to learn an important lesson: what it means to rule."
"The time has come for Twilight to learn an important lesson: what it means to rule."
"Luna thinks the portal has lain dormant for too long."
Something to that effect.
4085691
How about:
4085687
Cadance does, in fact, come up in the story.
4085820 I like it.
I'm still a bit skeptical about the "high time". I'd go with "about time". But it doesn't make the sentence as hard to read as the first version (which was throwing around more adjectives), so its fine either way.
You could also cut " its shimmering surface" and not lose much, but that's also a stylistic thing.
4085820
I'd take out "its purpose lost", but this is sounding good. :D
Seems intriguing, I would definitely be willing to edit.
I have a title for you:
The Door to Rule Them All
BOOM! Drop the mic
What do you mean by "editor"?