Critique Review: My Little Pony: Runaway Rainbow · 7:45pm May 25th, 2016
Hello, everypony. I am the stupid ass, idiotic, can’t keep his mouth shut from insulting the pony version of ‘God’, Critique.
And as punishment for my hubris, I get to watch My Little Pony. … …
Okay, I know that doesn’t sound like a horrible punishment, but have you ever actually watched a generation 3 movie? No. You haven’t. Nopony has. Nopony has ever seen a gen 3 movie and lived to tell the tale. And if you think you have, you’re lying. And wrong. I know you are probably going to tell me that you’ve watched the whole show since the beginning, but you’re wrong.
And now, as punishment for insulting the ‘so-called goddess’, I not only get to watch the movie, but I have to review it as well and see if after the success of the fourth generation, does it hold up?
Now, admittedly, growing up, I never watched the My Little Pony series. I did what every boy around the age of 23 did when they saw that show or someone who liked it.
The irony is not lost on me, thank you.
So, this is going to be from the point of view from someone who is looking back at our past to understanding our future. Or some philosophical bullshit that Lauren Faust wants me to say as a means of repenting for my sins.
Anyway, here it is. The review of My Little Pony: Runaway Rainbow.
Oh, I’m sorry, according to the title card, it’s My Little Pony: Crystal Princess: Runaway Rainbow!
Was Crystal Princess really necessary to add? Princess Cadance isn’t even in this movie! Maybe they felt the movie wasn’t marketed towards girl enough if they don’t have a least three things in the title marketed towards things girls like.
Let’s see we got Rainbows, we got ponies… Oh, shit we need another thing! What are things girls like? Princesses? Sure, what the hell?!
The movie starts with Rainbow Dash preparing decorations for the Rainbow Celebration. It’s kind of like the Summer Sun Celebration only they end up celebrating beavers. When Minty and Pinkie Pie arrive to tell her what a good job she’s doing.
Rainbow Dash: ”Thank you, Minty and Pinkie Pie, darlings.”
Out of character moment! Only Rarity is allowed to say ‘darlings’.
Rainbow Dash: “I just love this time of year when it’s all about celebrating rainbows.”
Oh, I’m sorry, I was just thinking about how that line could totally work in Gen 4. Though with Rainbow Dash talking about a different Rainbow.
We then transfer over to ‘Cloud Castle’, I think is what it’s called, where we meet a group of ponies who meet up with a carriage to the castle. During a wheel change, because I guess it was squeaking, one of the ponies gets dirty and then they attack said pony with bubbles.
Turns out the ponies in Generation 3 have a very strict cleanliness rule. Ponies who have dirty on them are put to death.
Whistle Wishes and Brights Brightly are called into the castle by Cheerilee to find Princess Rarity. Turns out she’s been kidnapped by Nightmare Moon in order for the plot to move forward.
Actually, they find Rarity rather quickly, making me wonder what the hell the point was of that scene other than to get Whistle Wishes and Brights Brightly inside the castle. Not that they stay very long, since they rush out to find 2 more ribbons for the celebration of the rainbow ceremony, since they are short.
We never find out why or what the significance of the number of ribbons means, I’m guessing the movie just wanted to give them something to do while they focused on the plot.
Princess Rarity wants to go and help, but Cheerilee instructs her that she has homework to do. Apparently, she was chosen from all the pink unicorns to be this year’s princess. So, in Generation 3, they weren’t only racist against other types of ponies, but also different colors of pony, since only pink unicorns can be princesses.
Well, at least we are making so progress, maybe by generation 6, earth ponies will be only discriminated against, instead of made into slaves.
Cheerilee: ”This is a very important day for Unicornia
This inspired the name Unicornicopia, therefore, I automatically don’t like it and I don’t care if that’s completely and totally shallow. You guys should know I am by now!
Cheerilee: “Rainbows bring beauty, magic, and color to everyone and everything all over the land”
It also brings rage to the internet, when I say she’s not the best one. Also, it’s everypony, not everyone. Did this movie not see Generation 4 in 2006? I’m greatly disappointed, movie.
Okay, so, there’s a ton of needless mythology in this movie about how the ceremony is supposed to bring in a rainbow. So, there’s this magic wand that Princess Rarity has to wield, while also performing a dance with streamers while under the crystal dome in the castle to summon a crystal carriage that will somehow make a rainbow. But only while four shooting stars fly across that sky that correspond with the colors of three other ponies and she has to do that before the fourth shooting star appears or else rainbows will be offended and quit their jobs.
God, damnit, movie! Why can’t you just throw children into a grinder and make rainbows that way?!
But Rarity is kind of an airhead and is easily distracted.
Best delivery ever!
When then cut to a group of Breezies, and remember how in Generation 4 the Breezies kind of had their own designs and they were unique, but still had elements of ponies to them. Just exaggerated. This movie… well… here’s what Breezies look like in this movie…
They’re just ponies! They look exactly like ponies! There is no fucking difference! You just put some antenie on them! They still look like fucking ponies! How is anyone supposed to know they’re not ponies?! With the Gen 4, it’s clear they are exaggerated with longer legs and wings that were larger than their bodies. They stand out!
Here, you just drew some insect wings on an earth pony and called it a day! How fucking lazy is this?!
A Breezie named Zipzee flies into another Breezie’s home and apparently, her sneezing is so powerful, that she managed to send her and two other Breezie’s out of their home. Though, I shouldn’t be surprised by this. After all, Zipzee is voiced by Andrea Libman.
The Breezies… I’m sorry, I can’t call them what the movie wants me to call them… The bite-sized ponies are making their way to Ponyville, supposedly for the Rainbow Celebration. In which we learned so much about the characters, Zipzee has fall allergies and the others ones exist.
Maybe this was because I didn’t watch the show and I have no idea who these characters are, but you’d think they’d do a better job of making that clear.
But we can’t have a crappy My Little Pony movie without a crappy My Little Pony song. And here’s this one…
I’m gonna go get a drink.
You’d have to be drunk to think of the lyrics for this piece of shit song! Seriously, Rainbow Dash didn’t tell us where rainbows come from! So why the hell did you waste a lyric on it?! I need another beer!
We then cut back to the castle because the movie realized that Rainbow Dash and the other ponies weren’t contributing to the plot, where we see Rarity still playing with the Rainbow Rod. I don’t know what it’s called. When she accidently uses the rod to make her disappear. Oh, good. She’s gone. Maybe now we can get an actual princess to be choose to celebrate this holiday.
But where does she end up?
A lot of people tell me to go there. I do plan on going, guys! Relax!
No, she actually ends up in the home of the bite-sized ponies. They find her and ask her what she is. Seriously, that’s a question that’s asked in this movie. Even though they stated earlier, that they were going to Ponyville! Have they never seen a pony before?! If not, how would they know about the existence of Ponyville?! For that matter, how would they know how to get there if they didn’t know what ponies are?! This movie makes no goddamn sense!
Rarity asks where the bite-sized ponies are going and they say THEY’RE GOING TO PONYVILLE! Have they seriously never been there?! Did they not talk to anybody in the town?! Or did they see a sign for the town and didn’t bother to ask what the fuck a pony was?!
However, Rarity states that the Rainbow Celebration can’t happen without her because she makes the rainbows. And she says it kind of condescending, like she knows she’s the most important pony and she fucking knows it. Why was she chosen to be princess again?!
The Bite-Sized Ponies decided to help her find her way back to the palace, since they really wanted to see that rainbow and Rarity is holding it hostage. They agree to take Rarity to Rainbow Dash, who again, IS A FUCKING PONY! The only difference is that Rarity has a horn and Rainbow Dash doesn’t! Are the breezies so stupid that they literally cannot tell one person from another just because you change one minor thing?
That would explain the designs!
Meanwhile in Unicornia, the unicorns are panicking because they can’t find Rarity anywhere. They state that if Rarity doesn’t come back and perform the ceremony, there won’t be any rainbows for a whole year.
… Oh, no…
Seriously, this isn’t like the fucking night lasting forever! The sun brings warmth and photosynthesis so plants can grow! It was a problem because without the sun, ponies would starve and die. Or freeze to death!
This… is not a problem! This is nothing! A whole fucking year without rainbows! Dear lord! I mean, if it meant a year without rain or sunlight, yeah, big problem! But no, it clearly said, no rainbows! Not either of the other things!
So, the Breezies take Rarity to Ponyville and enter a Ponyville sweet shop. And big shock here, THEY FIND FUCKING PONIES! No, I will not let this go! This bothers me! If there is anything I am, it’s shallow and petty!
There she meets with Rainbow Dash before Rarity declares she’s hungry again.
We’ll eat later. God, I love that line.
So, she steals a piece of cake from another patron and just eats it in front of everyone. And… everypony is apparently okay with this. Jesus, if that brat had stolen my lunch, I would have whipped out my belt and shown her how much more I needed that meal. Look at me, I’m wasting away!
So, Rarity, being as easily distracted as she is, finds some roller skates and decides to play with them and sing a song instead of you know… saving rainbows.
… Just play the music. I’m too sober for this to make sense.
And then she was called a town menace and burned at the stake.
Rarity gets homesick after destroying the town and Rainbow Dash tells her that she can take her to a pony who ‘absolutely knows everything about everything.
Question 1: Explain the logic of this movie.
That’s what I thought.
So, they go into a castle, or library or something where they meet up with a character named Spike, who is kind of a dick. He scares the ponies and then laughs at them. But they laugh too, so it’s okay, I guess. Even in generations past no one likes Spike.
He’s also kind of an idiot.
Rarity: You know where Unicornia is?
Spike: Yes! No. I used to. I think it was over the hills and through the woods to Unicornia we go.
Stop stalking my grandma, Spike! I know she’s as old as you are, but come on!
So, Spike tries to help her and discovers her magic wand, that she just has in her hair and was never in any of the previous scenes. I guess the writers remembered, ‘Oh, yeah! We have a plot to this thing!’
Spike tells Rarity that she's special, and I do mean THAT kind of special, and without her, there can be no rainbows for the rest of the year. Again, not rain or sunshine. Rainbows. Sure, keep repeating it, maybe I’ll buy it.
Spike shows us a map of different castles scattered throughout the land. Each land celebrates a different thing. One celebrates family, one friendship, kindness, happiness, music, laughter, and rainbows.
The castles celebrations don’t get along with each other, mostly because the castles that celebrate rainbows and music won’t pick a real moral to celebrate. But my dad will kill me if he sees me talking bad about music, so I’ll just pick on Rainbow Dash like I always do. I mean, rainbows.
Spike and the other ponies agree to help Rarity get back to the Crystal Empire… I mean, Castle and Rainbow dash, being who she is, tries to make this story about her.
Pinkie Pie: Are you sure you want to come along? You might get dirty.
Rainbow Dash: It’s about rainbows, darlings. And if it’s about rainbows, it’s about Rainbow Dash.
Make sense she would want to be the most important character in this movie! How much more of this movie is there?
20 minutes?!
Get me another beer!
So, the group begins their journey to find Crystal Castle with the Bite-Sized Snickers flying ahead of them. They end up knocking down a beehive and eating the honey from it. So, does that mean a swarm of angry bees eat them or something?
Ha!
Oh, I’ll show you my stinger later…
However, they get quickly sidetracked when Rarity sees a housefly and chases after it. The attention span of a brain dead frog-
Oh look, a rock!
She falls into the river and declares it wasn’t her fault. You know, she says that a lot in this movie. Every time she does something stupid that causes something bad to happen, she claims it wasn’t her fault! Guess what you little brat, it was your fault! You were the one playing with the fucking magic wand! You were the one who trashed the town, you were the one who fell into the river! Take some fucking responsibility for yourself!
God, if you pushed the self-destruct button on this world, you’d probably say the same fucking thing!
Oh, don’t give me that look! I don’t care how cute you are!
Two of the other ponies fall into the river. Oh, I guess that’s not Rarity’s fault either. When the Twizzlers Bites arrive and pull them each out of the river before they hit the waterfall. Now, in an earlier scene they had trouble lifting a beehive, but lifting up a full-grown pony. Eh, whatever. Nobody will watch this anyway.
They pull Rarity out of the river, finally and nobody, fucking nobody sits her down and said. “WE ALMOST FUCKING DIED, YOU LITTLE BRAT!” Does Rarity ever get held accountable for her actions in this movie?!
They decide to make camp for the night and roast some marshmellows. Because nearly falling to my death makes me really hungry. Meanwhile, the unicorns make camp TWENTY FUCKING YARDS FROM WHERE THEY MADE CAMP! Seriously, they could see the earth ponies if they looked to the right! Or at least the campfire they made!
But this day ended too happy for this part in the movie, we need a sad song to balance it out.
And by far apart, they mean more than 30 feet.
Rarity finally admits to herself that it was all her fault, for no apparent reason. Seriously, she sings the song and then says ‘It’s all my fault! I’m a horrible person!’ with no input from any other character whatsoever!
Wow! I mean… fucking wow! How did she reach that point?! How did she come to that conclusion?! I’m not saying that it’s wrong that she realizes she made mistakes, but where did this come from?! She’s never shown herself to take responsibility for herself or has had anyone chew her out for it!
So, where did this sudden character development come from?!
Whatever, the movie’s got 10 minutes left. And only one shooting star left, as the third shooting star shoots through the night sky.
Rarity gets up and realizes she has to get back to Unicornia and wakes up Spike from his… power fantasy?
Spike: I proclaim today Master Kenproth Spartan E. Spike Day. Oh, please, no bowing. … Okay, go ahead, my loyal subjects.
… Yeah, I would not be surprised if Spike turned out to be the villain is season 7. Hooves crossed.
And for some reason, as the movie goes on, Rainbow Dash’s mane starts to fade to white one color at a time. Yeah, that never gets explained. Does she have some kind of magical connection to the rainbow? Why don’t other things lose their color when this happens? I mean, we saw a rainbow caterpillar do the same thing, but nothing else in this movie does this! Only the things that have rainbow colors! What dicates rainbow colors and what doesn’t?! Is Superman’s costume considered a rainbow because it has more than one color? Or is it just paintings of rainbows are going to be blank?!
So, they meet each other, because really, how stupid would you have to be to miss each other when you’re practically sleeping next to one another! They introduce one another and Rarity uses the magic wand to summon the carriage.
… Wait a minute, you mean she could have summoned the fucking flying carriage whenever she wanted and it would have taken her back to Unicornia without her fucking input?! You know, what the movie’s almost over.
So, they fly back to Unicornia just in time to perform the ritual that will make the first rainbow appear. However, the ritual isn’t working. Just when Cheerilee is about to give up, Rarity makes her speech about how wrong she was. Something that Cheerilee doesn’t seem to care about.
Rarity: It was me. The hiding. The playing with the wand. Getting lost. Falling off the mountain. Risking the rainbow colors. *Cheerilee walks away* Not listening.
Did you not hear me?! I fell off a mountain and almost died!
So, of course, they try one more time and for some reason this works. Yeah, Elements of Harmony logic and it brings color back to all the … rainbow … things. Hooray…
So, Princess Rarity gets her ceremony about how great she is, fucking lucky, before we have one more song that I can drink myself to death to, because the movie’s over at this point.
So, how bad was this movie?
Well, it’s not the worst kids movie I’ve seen this year. This movie has a ton of problems. It’s characters are bland, the plot is flimsy, the songs are annoying and forgettable, and the animation is choppy at times.
But I think I should also note, I’m not the target audience for this movie. This movie is really aimed for little kids and it shows. I mean, really little kids.
There’s nothing bad about it, but there’s a lot of much better films you can show your kids. It’s doesn’t have anything crude like the Angry Birds Movie does. I actually dislike Angry Birds more than I dislike this, not that I expect it to be on the cover of any DVD casings.
But take it for what it’s worth, if you need something to distract your kids for about an hour and you’ve run out of good Disney movies, maybe put it in. Other than that, leave it on the shelf where it belongs.
On the plus side, it did give us a sneak peek at a talented voice actors that who would later voice other characters in Generation 4. Such as Kathleen Barr, Brian Drummond, Maryke Hendrikse, Ellen Kennedy, Andrea Libman, Britt McKillip, Kelly Sheridan, Tabitha St. Germain, Chantal Strand, and Cathy Weseluck. But no Tara Strong?
Well that’s the reason I hate this movie, is because Tara Strong isn’t in it! Yes, am I petty! Deal with it!
Well, that doesn't seem too bad...
Oh...
Well, you could be watching Fan4stic instead.
But then what do I know? I didn't know anyone who would be the age to watch Gen 3, and I still don't (and Gen 4 is much better). So, this should be enlightening.
Well if it did, would we need a 4th Generation?
Don't worry, we are all confused here.
Though I did read a neat fic where G3 Ponyville had been locked in stasis since Discord's first rampage, and only started waking up somewhere in Season 2.
When one God is the God of pestilence and decay, you can't be too careful... wait, wrong universe.
Don't worry, we understand. And since it's Mykan, it's perfectly justifiable.
They're also a hallucinogen when taken in doses over one.
Evil Overlord List #85: "I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
...
...
...
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Really, that hits a button on the Uncanny Valley. I don't think I like it...
Think I'll join you. In the meantime, filler song!
The 40K universe?
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The DCU?
i.ytimg.com/vi/hkWiHEbbho4/maxresdefault.jpg
Remnant?
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Earth?
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One of these is right in some continuity.
So... living in New Jersey?
... what, it's a better song about saving stuff.
Hey, I'm not a psychology major...
Someone put a river in my way.
The year is young, dear Critique.
A world without color could have some negative implications. Something that could affect light like that might mess with people's ability to see, maybe crop growth... Okay, I''m grasping at straws, but it feels like an idea that should be cool. Somehow.
Yes I have. It was a Christmas one, of some sort, I think.
Unfortunately, I will watch near about anything when I am bored enough, and boredom hits me like a dose of cocaine.
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I don't think I did see that one. But there is a chance I did, and just don't remember. Or perhaps choose to remember.
Speaking of Rarity. I have a darling of a short vid of her in it to show you. I will post it to you in a PM, it is definitely NSWF.
No wonder why they later ground up children to get them.
It is why they probably started doing it that way later on. It was just easier. And a sacrifice to your gods, or other things one might worship, is a old custom many practiced long ago. The ponies where just late getting around to it back then I guess.
Ok, I don't know what just happened there, but as far as being distracted, I found myself thinking that, the cake is a lie.
In gen 4, not only did they make bug pony Breezies, and made them look different than other ponies, gen 4 added another type of bug pony that looked different as well. And as different as any of them want to look. You may even be sitting next to one at any moment now and not know it!
In that video I will be sending via PM, Rarity is having fun with a rod too.
And likely why I choose not to remember seeing this movie, if I did see it.
In the TV show Lois and Clark, a guy from the future shows up and tell Lois that in the future she is a very famous woman!
She ask, "Why? Was it for my great reporter skills?"
He said, "No! It was for being the most stupid woman in the world! You have practically lived right next to Clark Kent and Superman for years. And you never knew the two are the same guy. And all he had for a disguise as Clark is a pare of common glasses. Come on lady! How stupid can you get?!"
After being without them even once, is probably why they went with sacrificing children rather than making them dace. You are more sure to get your rainbows that way.
Sure it wasn't a horsefly?
Just asking.
When Rarity of all ponies looks that way- Sure! you don't care.
Just like I would believe that you don't get even a little jealous over what you see in that vid I will be sending you with Rarity in it.
Yes, that vid I will be sending you of Rarity would be a power fantasy for spike that he would burn anypony alive for waking him up from.
You know, unless it was Rarity that got him up, then he would likely be just a bit annoyed, but still glad to see her.
The gen 4 Rarity, not this Rarity. God! That would be so wrong if the vid was about this gen 3 Rarity.
Thank God!
Why am I referring to him so much here?
Well I am not, I am trying to appease Lauren Faust so she does not make you see another one of these.
I wonder if it is working?
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Actually I would agree to that. There are a lot of other colors we don't see, that apparently other things can see and do rely on. So I have been told. Such as a type of florescent glow to flowers that bees can see.
And as for us would we know the difference between a coral snake or a king snake without color?
Not that it would matter a whole lot, seeing both are venomous. But I think the bite from one is more deadly than the other. That would be important to know.
Color in the wild dose hold some value, and perhaps not as much to us. Not that I would want to be without color.
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Enlightening? I guess that is one way of putting it.
YES! Damn it! Don't ever question the importance of the 4th Generation existing.
And makes for a good spice on food in a low dose. Hence why one of my OCs Plunk wanted to get her hooves on some spectra.
She felt if rainbows are spicy, as Pinkie Pie found out, than spectra should be even more so.
Funny, in the first episode of FIM, Pinkie puts on a muffin or cupcake, some hot sauce, and likes it. While it was hot enough to make Twilight run out of the room with flames coming out of her mouth after drinking the same stuff. And Pinkie has the same reaction to tasting rainbows that Twilight had after drinking the same hot sauce Pinkie happened to like.
So that makes me wonder, just how hot is the rainbow Pinkie tasted?
Or just simply how hot does Rainbow taste?
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Gummys got the right idea. "Hay Dash! Let's suck face. I want to taste the rainbow!"
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Man, Gummy is one horny reptile. And Pinkie likes to show off that her little pet lizard likes to grab some pony tail.
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I like that plan. and it is much easyer, and less messy than tossing the young into a grinder.
I am reminded of two things.
Some 'Save the Children commercials.'
And a though I had a bout the Uber immortal in the movie The 300, the very moment I first saw him.
"Damn, he looks like they feed him on young children."
Now I just wonder, is that where he got that colorful personality of his from?
I know, I have some sick thoughts.
You know a creature that has the ability to strip away colors dose sound like a credible threat. I talking about some sort of entity that's capable of erasing colors from existence. Especially if it also robs the world of a emotion based on that color.
Can you imagine what that would be like. Everyone a empty emotionless zombie, no hope, joy or passion, trudging though a meaningless existence of black and grays.
But not having rainbows for a year? Ha. That place already exists and it's called South Australia. Call me back when you have the embodiment of chaos trying to take over the world with clouds of chocolate milk, than we'll talk Gen 3.