IRL Update · 11:38pm May 24th, 2016
Well, here I am.
Sitting on a toilet in the dark, on a tiny little chromebook, writing about my life as an MLP author.
There are less dignified places to write this, but this house is way too bright. I like the dark. Plus the kitten will leave me alone in here.
Get off my keyboard you little shit.
So, I have been postponing this update for quite some time. This is a general update for everyone on the state of things going on in my life. Primarily the state of stories. I suppose I’ll just get the elephant in the room out of the way. Where are all the updates?
The simple answer is I haven’t written them yet. The complex answer is incredibly boring with a dash of angst.
Here’s the abridged version, or at least as abridged as I can make it. I have been working at McDonalds since 2008. I have such a good fake smile that I could be a politician. I got the job there in order to pay bills, get a little bit of spending money. I had financial aid and all that, and I recently graduated college late last year with a degree in computer science.
Now there’s this spiel about a sixth month deference on financial aid and that stuff. I’m not worried about that. Seriously, flipping burgers isn’t a lowly job as teenage you might think. It’s by no means lowly or beneath you, and I have seen just shy of a decade of people to know that’s true. It’s not bad work, but it does require you to be extremely people-orientated. I am not.
I am extremely antisocial. I will sit with a small crowd of family members and read a book instead of conversing. It’s not that I don’t like them, but that’s what I feel most comfortable doing. When this happens I am constantly berated with “You should try talking sometime.” And say what? I like reading? I watch My Little Pony? Those aren’t conversation starters, those are statements, and I have nothing to add to them. True, I could talk about my extensive library or written work, but the content of which is a little too fringe for polite conversation. I know better, especially when it comes to my work with the adult rating.
It’s why I so dearly love the Moondancer episode. She saw comfortable with just doing what she liked, the impetus being embarrassed by Twilight standing her up notwithstanding. There’s nothing wrong with just not being comfortable talking to other people. This little space of mine is where my mind wanders. In it, an industrious mute explores a whole new world. A beaten down and mentally exhausted woman learns to empathize with another. What lurks in the darkness can be brought to the light for just a few moments. I like this space, and it’s mine.
I have a slight reputation where I work. In short, I have stopped caring. I can do my job, and I can take part in conversations (movie topics are a favorite of mine), but hold no desire for the pomp and glam of being part of the team. My boss hates me for this. I have been on the bottom rung without promotion for eight years. Well, I did receive the paperwork for getting a crew promotion late January. Immediately after I got into a car accident, that is. Eight years for a pat on the back is condescending.
Despite not needing to worry about school, or bills, food, internet, or anything really, as soon as school stopped, so did everything else. With school, there was at least a little tension in my life. I had stress and writing was my means of relaxing. My job is my only stress now, yet it is a job I don’t like that has become routine. Everything is practiced and measured. The only spontaneity is the little paper I keep in my back pocket to write down little ideas or scripting details, or the occasional facepalm of a human being that somehow found difficulty in ordering fast food.
When school was over, that didn’t satisfy anymore. No school wasn’t the impetus because fuck school and that asshole teacher. Whenever I sat in front of a word processor, I saw what I had written. I saw my little paper with my scripting notes. I brought my hands up and... I didn’t care. Not that I didn’t have the material or some kind of writer’s block, I just stopped caring. I knew exactly what was supposed to happen but I was caught in the grip of this cyclic apathy. It wasn’t quite like regular writer’s block. At least with that my only obstacle is not having any idea what to write. Here I knew what was to occur, but I felt no desire to write.
At first I believed that the worst had finally come to pass. Just as I had lost pretty much all interest in anime, I had lost interest in both ponies and writing in general. The strange thing was I felt strangely okay about that. Serene, even. It was just the next stage of life and I’d find something else to occupy my time.
To wrap it all up, that’s why I’ve deep sixed for the past several months. I am also doing something a little drastic to halt that. I’ve been in the process of moving throughout the month and everything will finally be complete this Saturday. I’d hate to be melodramatic but there is too much Rarity in my blood: I’m going to finally be free. Yes, I’m getting moving back in with my mother and sister, and I’m losing my source of income as a result, but I will no longer be imprisoned in a boring city stuck in a job that I hate. I know how dystopian corporate drones feel now. You want to know soul-crushing despair? Work a dead end job until you aren’t even sure you feel dead inside. Just look at the cashier next time you go through drive-thru. See their hollow eyes and thousand-yard stares. They've seen idiots, man-children, sex in the parking lot, tornadoes, your debit cards and signatures, the mistresses, cleavage, and enough loud engines to start a demolition derby. We know all your sins.
I still need to find a new job, and my mom’s house is already kinda crowded with a terrible 1.5D internet speed (that’s going to need to be fixed). Taking myself down a peg for some peace of mind is a tradeoff I am willing to pay. I’m feeling better about myself, I’ve already stopped caring about those that don’t like my attitude at work (What are they going to do, fire me just short of Memorial Day weekend? Have fun being shortstaffed.), and overall I think this is a good thing. Long-term goal is to find something applicable to my major before the debt collectors come and I need to thrown down a smoke bomb and vanish. Future is uncertain, but I’m feeling good. It’s the good kind of unknown.
I’ve already made quite a few leaps in writing. The next chapter of At the End has been scripted. I’ve made a fair bit of progress writing the next chapter, too. It’s more writing than I’ve gotten done in quite some time.
I think we’re good.
We’ll see how this goes.
I'll be thinking of you man. Hope everything goes well
Good luck, friend. People have asked which is worse, apathy or ignorance, but apathy is far worse. It hurts in a way nothing else I have experienced hurts. Apathy does not allow growth, does not change or shift, does not grow or decrease. It is horrible. I'm happy that you're making your way to a better place, may you find fortune and happiness, no matter what comes your way.