A Few Changes

I've gone back to Chapter 1 and made a few changes.

I noticed that around 50 people had read the story all the way through. The same number had read up to Chapter 2, so between Chapter 2 and Chapter 3 I didn't lose any readers.

It was from Chapter 1 to Chapter 2 that I was losing readers (about 30, in fact) and I think I know the reason why.

First, the robbery scene in Chapter 1 was a bit confusing. I had meant to portray a small group of 5 - 8 people being held up, in the sense that this crazy and desperate robber saw a group of people and decided to quickly rob them all and make a run for it. Unfortunately I had used the word "crowd", which suggests far more people than I intended to portray. The very idea of someone stopping a large crowd of people and robbing them in broad daylight is even harder to swallow than the idea of talking magical ponies. A small group is more believable if the robber is desperate enough to try to pull it off.

Second, I removed some of the strong language. The robber dropped two F-bombs one right after the other and frankly I felt it was completely unnecessary and out of place. Sure, a robber might say those kind of things, but after reading it over many times I felt the cut was necessary and improves the story. The new line of "Then you're wasting my time." seems to fit better with the story flow.

Anyway, I'm preparing to write Chapter 4 soon. It will either be up today or tomorrow.

Cheers