Border War

My depression is not what you deem sadness
Its something more akin to madness
Othello killing Desdemona
Holy roller
Satan's got my motor
Anger

I fear what I will do every day
Going crazy in my room killing pain
My scars don't exist physically but mentally
Surgeries making me afraid to cut away the things I hate about myself
That might not help but that's all I got
The memories of darkened rooms
The fear
The uncomfortable feelings of not wanting to be touched
Wanting to scream out no
But not being heard
The words I'd say being twisted into
You wanted it
You said yes
You are my best friend
You won't get it any other way
I have to live with that
Everyday
I watch that demon stalk me curling its hands around my throat and choking me until I
snap
tumbling down into an episode of protection
Losing hours of time reliving my life
Staring at a wall
Just sitting there
Like I did when I was twelve to nineteen
Upstairs downstairs and every place in between

My depression is episodes of spending money
Things might make me happy
I tell myself that
Amazon has been my drug of choice
We have the money right
I think we do
But I don't think so
I'm worried
But I'm not
Ever since my dad almost bankrupted us after he got
divorced
i thought why not blame yourself
Go to sex
Fill the hole in your heart with
Things
Consumer goods
Items
Junk
Hoard the things
They don't leave you like friends do
They don't judge you like family does
They don't talk back
I don't know if I'm slowly bankrupting my mom
Overdraft fees? Don't look
I go to a private school that I hate
48 thousand a year
I get half that off but in reality
My mom doesn't get federal help
Cause she's too rich according to
the government
God Bless America
Where the amount of money you have doesn't always show the
reality of experience
Where labels define you as being a genius
Yet also a cripple
Not because you are one and college shows that
But because you have to be one
Because you have no aptitude for
sports

I hate myself
I love myself
I am:
Episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety- check
Aggressive behavior- passive agressive
Self-harm- thankfully not yet
Drug or alcohol abuse- use alcohol to dull the pain and I have tried drugs, not my style
Binge eating or spending- I eat food and I spend money more than I should
Frequent changes in life goals- I have no life goals, I'm already seven years over my life goal haha
Poor self-esteem- I have none
Feelings of emptiness- On a regular basis
Fear of being alone- I've been in a seven year abusive relationship with all the things that entails- I still didn't want to leave
Intense, but unstable relationships- See above
Suicide threats or suicide attempts- I mean yeah thats there
Impulsiveness- yes
Manipulative behavior- I know how to manipulate people so well call be Machiavelli
Borderline personality disorder

Symptoms of a reality
Of perfection
And not knowing that
Of constant attempts
And failing
Not wanting to see that my symptoms are real
because I have learned through experience to
fear doctors
And fear the reaction of my family
I'm supposed to be the perfect one
But that doesn't include
the mental reality
I understand you
I went through the same things
Thanks bro
Why are you here
You've never been here for me
Why start

Comments

[BloodyBubblegum]

i enjoyed it immensely.