CCC: cleverpun's Critique Corner: Description/Title Reviews #3 · 9:42am Mar 31st, 2016
The description and title are some of the most important parts of a story. They provide readers with their first impression, convince them to read it, and characterize your story even after it is finished.
Today, we look at a set of stories, based solely on their descriptions, titles, and other relevant paratext.
The Alicorn Curse by chillbook1
http://i.imgur.com/BAtZIgd.png
The title here is actually pretty good: it juxtaposes something generally seen as positive (alicorns) and something negative (curses). The result is a title that is simple, but still grabs attention.
The description is also punchy and to the point. It delivers the basic premise quickly and simply. Crucially, it explains the setup but not the punchline, which is a major mistakes that most one-note jokefics make.
Unfortunately, this effective minimalism falls apart in the title of the first chapter. Whereas the title and description gave just enough, the chapter title steps over that fine line and gives away the entire fic.
Fics that exist only to deliver a single joke are far too common on FIMfic, and their usual flaws are 1) padding and 2) giving away their premise/punchline too early. This fic's paratext avoids number 1 and nearly avoids number 2, if only that chapter title were different.
Sunset Shimmer is MAD about EVERYTHING by Justice3442
http://i.imgur.com/QjHP2Jz.png
The title starts on a gimmicky note by using ALLCAPS. It also is incredibly blunt, giving away the entire premise/single joke of the fic.
Sentence one is an awkwardly phrased mess, with no less than three clauses (one of which is missing commas). I had to read it multiple times to understand what it was trying to say.
The second sentence is not much better, and is again missing commas that might make it easier to read. Both sentences also use awkward parenthetical interjections as well as some vague identifiers (who is "the whole crew", exactly?).
The third sentence is a very unnecessary rhetorical question.
The last sentence is a pointless spoiler warning: if it "goes without saying", then why say it?
Overall, this description is riddled with typos and sloppy grammar. I counted no less than three typos in as many sentences, not including the missing commas. It also tries to make jokes in the description and fails miserably. Having humor in the description can work, but it needs to remain consistent with the descriptions goals (i.e. to sell the story). The jokes here are not funny and incredibly disruptive. The constant use of ALLCAPS is also annoying. This paratext gives an incredibly poor first impression.
My Little Pony: Humans are Cthulhu by Beastrider9
http://i.imgur.com/h4gaofF.png
The title is another "MLP: X is Y" snowclone. I try and remain as objective as possible during these reviews, but these derivatives seriously make me cringe. They are uninspired and make your story look lazy, in the same way an alicorn OC or other fandom cliche would.
Some descriptions say too much, some say too little. This description here is one that says things which are irrelevant. Paragraphs 1-4 are all tangentially related to the story at best. Worse, they are boring. A fauxlosophic rant is not a good first impression. Even if it is related to the story, such things often need context to have their full impact.
The description is not only long-winded and tangential, it is repetitive. The first four paragraphs all repeat essentially the same idea.
Now the final paragraph actually is a decent hook into the story. It sets up the basic ideas and hints at the major conflict(s). If the first sentence of the first paragraph and the last paragraph were paired together, then it would be a perfectly decent description.
Also grammar point of order: since "however" is an adverb that introduces a contradictory clause, then it usually goes in the middle of the sentence, with commas on either side of it. You can make arguments about artistic license and all that, but "however" often sounds and reads better in the middle of a sentence anyway.
