Short Reviews: The Substitute Demon · 6:18am Mar 15th, 2016
Chapters Completed: 16 of 85 (Still reading, so concerns in the review may be solved by later chapters)
TL;DR - 6 out of 10. Pretty ok, but the main character is severely lacking and is never really challenged.
The Substitute Demon, written by Reykan and recommended to me by TheDriderPony on my blog post asking my followers to recommend me a story to read, is a story about a man getting sucked through his computer just as the Elements of Harmony purify Nightmare Moon during the events of season one, episode one. Essentially the Nightmare casts a spell that switches places with this man, so the Nightmare presumably gets the man's body and the man gets stuck inside Nightmare Moon's armour until he is resurrected by a bunch of Nightmare cultists.
I give this context because my attention to this story was driven by the fact that I could not make head or tails of the description and what it was trying to tell me about the story. Now that I've actually read the story a little bit, I get it, but looking back now at the description I can't tell if it was truly confusing or if I was acting like an idiot and not reading it properly. Again.
Regardless of the description, this story is ok. There are a couple of stories on FiMFiction that involce some human or other getting stuck in Nightmare Moon's body and trying to make the best of it, and this is Reykan's attempt at an original spin on the idea.
First of all, I am deeply disturbed by the main character, but not disturbed in the meaning that the main character is creepy, but disturbed in the fact that the author self-proclaims that they are attempting to make sure that the main character doesn't become OC-powerful, as in, they have great amounts of power like the alicorn they are, and yet there are moments which I cannot tell if they are being serious. There are specific combat scenes where the main character struggles for his life as he tries to figure out how to use combat spells properly and keep himself safe, which is fine and is written well, but my suspension of disbelief is broken when the main character displays great leadership skills to the point where he begins to turn his cultists from mindless followers to followers who actually follow because he leads properly.
This is a problem because I can't tell if his leadership skills are a part of his character, or a part of Princess Luna's character. The story states that the main character's memories are mixed in with Luna's because the Nightmare used to be a part of Luna and something happened that screwed with his head when he was planted into the Nightmare's armour. Thus, it becomes a major theme that the main character is trying to keep his identity clear as Luna's memories overlap with his, and during intense moments he does his best not to lose himself completely. The problem doesn't stem from the blur the story makes, but from how little we know of Ted, the main character, and how little the author tells about him. If we're supposed to believe Ted is having an identity crisis because he has Luna's memories, how can we tell how much of him has changed if we don't know who he is besides having finished post-secondary education and having a love for video games?
Basically, Ted, the protagonist, is a boring and shallow character. His character is never built upon. We never get to see Ted's personality besides small tidbits in the beginning where he plays video games in his dreams. Perhaps it is the intention of the author to keep the main character in such an enigmatic state, but it doesn't create contrast between Luna and Ted effectively. Sure, Ted is a normal guy who is essentially thrust into the body of royal decent and has to lead a small group of followers. That's a pretty big change, I admit, but he takes the change so well that the reader has to ask "What's the point?" Ted leads and interacts so will well with others that it is eerie. He wears a mask while getting used to all the colourful ponies around him, especially when he's still getting used to being a pony himself, and he never falters in his words. He always knows what to say to bend others to his trust, and he always knows which phrases to use to convince others of his care in them, and he always knows how to show his love and please everyone at the same time. But all of this is done with the line between Ted and Luna blurred, causing some attempt at contrast. You can't try and make contrast between two characters without rounding out the two character you're trying to contrast. That makes no sense. One character will end up weighting than the other, which is the case here between Luna and Ted. Ted is being shadowed by Luna, because we have a good idea of who Luna is, but we have no clue who Ted is.
His leadership skills are never challenged in the chapters I have read, which I feel like is a huge problem, since the moments where it would make most sense for him to fail in leadership is during the beginning of the story when he has no leadership experience. Like I said, it isn't convincing that he has Luna's memories and therefore is a master at leadership. He has these skills and yet there are several things he has to learn about the world and himself around him. It is inconsistent, and throwing me, the reader, around, back and forth like a tug-of-war. There is nothing leadership-wise that he cannot handle! He has very few character flaws besides not being able to use his combat abilities to the maximum. He himself won't allow to be broken down by his identity crisis because he needs to keep a straight face for his subjects, but because he does this his identity crisis never becomes anything too huge.
There are very little signs that his mixed memories are actually bothering the tasks he needs to accomplish. At some point we are exposed to some form of insanity for the main character, but once again it is swept aside and forgotten until a later chapter. No, forget what I said, it is not only swept aside for a later chapter, but this big, gaping, bleeding wound of an issue is patched up by a band-aid of a chapter! A band-aid! A tiny part of chapter 16 to be exact. It is terrible to treat your reader like it is a rope to be pulled! One moment Ted is worried about the well-being of his subjects, and the next he's having an identity crisis! I don't mind having more than one conflict occurring at the same time, but you really shouldn't swing back and forth like that so quickly! Remind the reader about these conflicts, but don't wave it in front of them, taunt in their faces and pull it back, progressing not at all in the issue!
I am puzzled as to why the author decided to have the main character have Luna's memories in the first place. Perhaps it was so he could easily fit in to the role the author needed him to be in for the story, especially considering the darker setting (compared to the show's setting) in which the story takes place. Maybe it was in an attempt to separate their story from the other human-in-Nightmare-Moon stories on the website. Whatever the reason it, I don't think it was a good decision. Because Ted has Luna's memories, he is much more rounded with little weaknesses. He leads like no other, he is an absolute emotional wall, and he has powers he hasn't even realized yet, even though he can't actually access them until a later date. It's hard for me to get involved in a story when the main character is so shallow.
So yeah. Despite me spending a few paragraphs on describing the worst problem I have with this story, everything else is pretty ok. The mechanics are mostly there except for a few spelling errors and typos that might have been easily fixed with use of Google Docs or some other word processor, and the paragraphs are a bit inconsistent, swapping between indenting and double-spacing. The world building is done well with great pacing and tells just enough about the setting to keep the reader engrossed. The supporting cast is very, very strong. Each character Ted surrounds himself with is interesting and unique and memorable. It becomes a joyful guessing game when Luna and Celestia are introduced, as Ted looks pretty much like a male Nightmare Moon. There really isn't a single moment where you can hate one of the supporting cast members, and you, the reader, are engrossed with the problems they have that they bring from their past and how Ted tries to solve it. They all perform greatly. Pretty much my only problem with the story is the main character.
Can I recommend The Substitute Demon? I guess. I mean, it's pretty good for a human fic, but it really depends on what you care about in your reading materials. Do you mind story lines being wishy-washy and have the focused conflict swap all the time? Do you mind having a main character that isn't explained much? Do you like to have a reason to care for your strong, varied and well-developed supporting cast? Then give The Substitute Demon a read.
I hear you say "Hey, this isn't short!" Well, it is, for my standards and tastes anyways.
