Undecided Now · 8:09pm Feb 14th, 2016
Ahem, fair warning a large amount of text incoming, I felt like typing it all out so here it is. So, it's Valentine's Day. And this year I have no one to wish a happy one to. The rest are platonic. I am undecided whether I should be content with being single or try harder to find someone special, again. To those who follow me on this site, yes this means I am looking to date, if hesitantly. To be honest I prefer the sexual orientation of straight, so hello ladies. What I mean by my preference is that I tolerate the homosexual orientation very well. I do not mind if my friends on the interwebs are furries, gun enthusiasts, cloppers, you name it. I have never tried to swing the barn door the other way, and would rather not. I quite like females, women and if I fared better with dating I would not be typing this.
Last time I ended up feeling scorned and guilt-fully jealous with having been dealt a bad hand of luck. It makes me angry someone would disregard everything I did for them. Sure, move to another state, another coast, don't mind me I'll be just fiiiinnnne. I hate it when people I know move away from me, it happens a lot with families moving out of the neighborhood. And twice or more, two of my good friends have moved away since a time ago. Back when I was in a more Shire-like neighborhood and a long time ago now. I miss having a social life, really.
So, I am still on the fence if I will ever find someone special again that I cared so much for. After another failed attempt it feels discouraging and devastating. Why even bother? I ask myself sometimes. Do I even deserve the chance? I sure felt like I did not.
Just like Starlight Glimmer, I am afraid, afraid if I try to make new friends (in real life) again I will lose them and be alone. It's not fun being all alone, yet I'm distant. It could be a case of moving away, unfortunate events that happen to them that separates, and such. Moving away, checked, twice or more. Unfortunate events, bad luck, the unthinkable.. friend loses his father while going to college, checked. Makes it very difficult to talk to him, checked. Is it impossible to relate to the exact circumstances? Checked.
My avoidance of a social life can be traced back to my high school days. Interdistrict transfer student, had to stay until 4:30 PM every day or longer. Rarely, got off at the regular time. Damn school district boundaries. When kids were getting off of school at 2 o'clock I was stuck inside. Was a commitment to a school program just so I could get in the damn school itself and stay. I didn't want to go to my local high school, my folks also thought it would not be a good fit for me. So, a city away to be at a better high school. Being a IDT as they called it was no fucking great thing, it was like being the most restricted social class in school. Had stricter requirements to maintain a grade point average, to have great grades, to not screw up. Technical theater was a huge commitment and I had to choose one of the departments just to get in the damn school. Then, later, my sibling gets in with not having to worry about what I went through. It was truly unfair and that was just it. Four years after high school and it still pisses me off to think about because I had no time with how things were to pursue any kind of social life. Thus, I became distant and kept to myself.
When I became more distant, I did not talk to people a lot at lunch time. Did not involve myself of my fellow technical theater classmates with their outside social events as a group. I stopped trying to go out to eat lunch. Then the reality hit me with the words "you look depressed". That pissed me right off, but it was also part of the truth. Hell, I was depressed in a way. I had a stigma of sadness and fear that gripped me.
One of my biggest fears for the future is being the one left all alone, feeling empty like the house I live in when no one else is home. Thankfully, my house is not empty. But the thought still lingers in the back of my mind, of being left in the dust and how people just don't get that. How one can be simply forgotten with time, with people moving on. I don't want to just be a bygone to the people that know me. I don't want to be stuck with this cruel mistress of the past. The past gives me a false sense of hope and nostalgia, like the green light in the Great Gatsby. I could never reach that green light, yet I could see it, and it appeared to be in reach. However, in the end it was not. Just not meant to be I suppose, with how people just move away and don't think otherwise how that impacts those left behind. You can not easily repeat the past, old sport. It won't happen with a snap of the fingers. The kids aren't alright, I can think my family is alright and everything will be just fine. It will not be all right if my family does not tackle the problems as a family. The more we do not focus on tackling the problems as a family, the worse it can get. These problems include issues between my parents, my sibling's mood and the uncertain future.
On the other hand, the status quo of my life is fine, for now. Although I may be too comfortable with it to do any grand changes. I am happy to get short-term satisfaction and happiness from doing the usual. I play video games, go on the Internet and try to stick with social networks, seek higher learning in college and all the while try to see the positive side of being one without a better half.
One thing though that gets my feathers rustled is the pressure to get an education. When do my folks get off the line to let me live my life how I see fit? I have gone through the education system, went to high school, going to college to get a degree. What, you want me to get a Bachelor's degree? Is an Associate's degree not good enough? When the hell can I actually focus on myself for once besides education? Or how about that pressure to get a job? You think having no social life is fun? That I am behind on driving in itself because of high school? With them not carrying any sort of driver's education class? How I have yet to get my feet wet for a job that pays? But education always comes first, isn't that right? That's how it's supposed to be. Yeah? Oh, my folks just wish they could go back to school but they don't know the half of it. Is it so wrong I want to have some time after acquiring a degree to focus on myself? To perhaps focus on driving, on getting a job, to make new friends. To balance my time better to focus on the future and what is important? To make sure the family is doing alright? Maybe even try hanging out at a bar? I am not a child any more, I am twenty years old now. If it were not for the current situation, I would most likely be living on my own now.
In short, my life is pretty complicated.
