Personal drama enclosed. Be warned. · 8:05pm Jan 23rd, 2016
This is the blog post I mentioned I'd make in the author's notes of the latest chapter of LBC.
This started this past December around christmas. I was in charge of making christmas dinner since my grandmother passed away last year and it was a damned nightmare. My dad, whom I live with, has become a blubbering, shell of a man. Despite living with him, he doesn't really know me. There's always been distance between us (physical abuse) and he believes we're best buddies when we aren't.
All that showed up were me, my dad, my sister, and her husband and kids. My nephews are 2 and 5, and of course they're going to be little hellions when given cake. My dad gave some very passive aggressive remarks, which ticked my emotional sister off, and after presents she left in a huff because he kept pushing issues and not understanding why she was getting mad.
This sort of behavior has continued since. He presses buttons that obviously irritate and frustrate, then seems oblivious to the anger, then escalates things by calling his girlfriend and my uncle into things. I got a very nasty phone call from my uncle after I cooked dinner (which I did every day for a year for my dad) bad mouthing me about leaving food out to get cold (my dad doesn't cook, and he won't get his food when its hot.) and calling me an entitled little shit. This from the family member I looked up to the most.
So for about a month I just tried to muddle along but my dad's gotten more and more... I guess 'passive antagonistic' is the right phrase? So much so that I've been on the cusp of a complete mental breakdown for a while. I've had constant anxiety attacks for about 2 weeks, I've mostly secluded myself in my room so I don't have to see him or talk to him. I play music constantly so I don't hear him... and at the grocery store I got so bad I felt like I was going to have a psychotic breakdown or a heart attack. No joke. I had another one on the drive back. I drove to my sisters and stayed there until I calmed down.
My relationship with my dad has become bad for my health. I feel trapped in a role and I'm not allowed to speak for myself. I'm very unhappy. What scares me most is that my dad drinks a lot, and is one of those NRA nuts who keeps guns and ammo in a safe next to his bed. Rifles, pistols, shotguns... the works. When he gets in one of his moods I lock my door and don't leave my room until he goes to bed.
I've made goals to move out of my dad's house. long term plans but they're simple enough to achieve. I'm also listening to a lot of calming music and doing things that help me keep myself sane like reading and painting. My friends have been supportive, and have extended the use of their couch for a few days if something comes up. At my worst, they took me out to see Star Wars when I was feeling absolutely depressed.
What hurts is that when I do leave, I'll never be able to come back to what is my childhood home. Its already been decided that 10/12 of the acres that make up my rural home are going to be gutted for affordable housing projects. The lake, the woods, the hills, all torn apart for houses next to a golf course. They already destroyed all the indian stuff when they cut down the woods, and there were a lot. It was the place that a young Puppet felt like magic could really exist. Piece by piece that's getting torn down.
As you can imagine, writing has been an escape from what's going on around me. I feel like this is a big downer from what I delivered to you all in my chapter and I'm sorry for that. I try not to complain or whine about my problems but I'm past my limit.
Im sorry to hear that. Things like that are tough. hang in there good buddy.
My father drank himself to death a few years back. I think he had a lot of demons that he did not share with me or anyone else. He just stuffed it all inside and medicated with large amounts of alcohol that eventually killed his liver and him with it.
I hated him so much when he drank. But I also regret not trying to talk to him. See if I could have somehow helped. But then again, I guess its one of those things you do when looking back. Thinking of what could have been.
Your father is a human being, filled with flaws. But also remember that he is a grown ass man that should know better.
My only suggestion, from someone who lost his father and wished he had tried harder, is:
Talk to him, when he is fully sober and not brooding. Dont try to be condescending, or pity him. Just lay out the facts and feelings of what is going on in your life in the ways it relates to him.
If he does not respond well, well you tried. Wash you hands and when he passes you will at least not sit each night thinking "If I only tried maybe it would have been better".
Ultimately you are the conductor of your own life and my little two bit advice from the internet could not hope to really grasp your situation fully.
You write very well and your story makes me happy when I see it has updated. You create something that brings joy. My thoughts and well wishes are with you.
Jesus... He sounds like a real monster. Family or not this is not okay. My advice is to leave ASAP and stay at a friend's until you find a proper home. I hope things turn out alright for you in the end, and please keep safe.
I must say that this was a shocker to learn about but I hope you'll be ok and I wish you the best in this trying time.
I won't even try to give advice cause my dad died when I was young so I've no experience with anything like this.
Sorry to hear that you haven't been feeling your best, Puppet. I know a bit of what you mean, regarding your childhood home been split up/re-zoned. My grandparents place use to go on for acres, nothing but trees (orchard or otherwise) and the sense of adventure to go with the crisp air. They halved the property before they past, and we lost a bit of that; no more railroad tracks, no more journeys out to nowhere's edge. But it wasn't really lost until my uncle who took over the property decided to sell the majority of the rest. It's just a few acres now, and even if it's dozens of times the size of any suburban lot elsewhere, it doesn't strike those feelings anymore. Where once the forest stretched, now only empty land leads up to a new crop of houses within eyesight where none were before.
Honestly, I had forgotten about some of those feelings. I remembered coming back from excursions, but not much of the content themselves. So thank you for sharing your story.
And, don't feel guilty for talking about your problems. There may be a stigma for 'whining' on the internet, but I know from experience that it's better to break a few social norms than it is to hold all my troubles inside, where they weigh all the more.
As for your family situation, I suppose the most I can do is give you my best wishes. I've had my share of stand-offs with my father, but even so, I won't pretend to tell you I'm suited for advice on the subject. However, if I may be so bold, I would recommend seeing a counselor/therapist. I avoid the word 'psychologist', not with the intention to coddle, but in my experience you have to see what type of 'care' a professional offers. Some are more focused on medicine and diagnosing, where as others are focused on helping your explore yourself, and how your mind and feelings effect your life.
I had the fortune to run into/have the care of the latter type for a year or two a while back. I was having some issues of my own, but after initial resistance, I found she helped me learn more about myself than I would have otherwise. I asked myself new questions, and they helped me change how I lived and thought a bit, but that bit made a larger difference in my daily satisfaction. If you're friends are the types that you can talk to about anything, and ask you the tough questions, then that's excellent. But if you're not sure, or have friends like mine who simply aren't as open, I feel a bit responsible to suggest such. I would to anyone who's had long-term troubles.
So, that all being said, again, I wish you the best! You're writing is excellent, and you're putting great feeling/imagery into your work. I hope that, assuming you enjoy the activity, you continue to do so. And if you ever feel you need to vent, just post another blog, call your friends, or heck, shoot me a PM. Taking care of yourself, mind and body, is always important.
I too know what it's like to have someone be overly passive-agressive to me. It's hard to cope with because they themselves don't know how to address the situation.
Do try to remove yourself from it at your earliest convenience and don't hold yourself accountable for your father's actions. Ultimately, we're all responsible for ourselves...during the good times and the bad...
3712773 The scary part is... well, I've never lived anywhere but home. I have some money saved up and I could conceivably move out and live on this money for a while but I over think things--overthink them to the point of breaking down and becoming cowardly.
I have a plan set up, and currently I'm just supposed to be focused on my health (I'm 142 pounds, and none of it muscle. I'm a toothpick.) but he keeps pressing various issues. Even when I'm alone I keep replaying what he says, and it feeds my anxiety.
Moving out is inevitable. Its up to him if I stay a month, or two years, and how we interact after the fact.
3712787 Trust me, I get where're you're coming from. I am a very sensitive individual. I try to crawl into my logic and use that to process the outside world, but in the end--when I'm laying in bed or somewhere else where I'm alone with my thoughts--it comes back to me.
Work through it as best you can, but don't let it consume you. I've walked down that path before--it doesn't go anywhere nice.
Missed this. Apologies.
Sounds like you really need to seek some professional help. Get to a therapist / psychologist / psychiatrist / etc.
Once you have gotten yourself stabilized, then try to talk to him. Like Thadius said, it may work out, it might not, but you have at that point made the effort to reach out.
Good luck.
Oi I hope you're ok and feeling alright friend.
Remember that there are people who you can talk to on here if nothing else...just ignore the random person that flings fecal matter into the fan every once in a while....unless that makes you laugh then by all means!
3797270 Seeing that people like my stories, stories which I put out there purely because I love to create, is what lifts me up. You and all the people who comment on Lord Barleycorn and Lost and Blind are proof that I am good as story telling. Without that simple encouragement I don't think I could carry the drive for stories as long as these. The only thing my dad's asked me about my stories, MLP or otherwise, was if I could make money on them. He's never read anything I've written, even the short 750-word stories I wrote as a member of my writing group. Feeling like my talents are worthless are the biggest poison to my self esteem.
I never would have believed I would have such support and such talkative readers. No really, I was on Fanfiction dot net for years and never got much a 'gud chapter, rite mor plz.' for my stories... granted they were crap... >.>;
You and all my other regular commenters make me feel like I'm making something special.
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Don't you ever think you aren't doing something worthwhile because you are no matter what anyone says about it.
A passion for creating worlds and storytelling is a beautiful thing and there are so few authors who actually create a unique opportunity anymore its just and paste love/drama or something about vampires and zombies.
But here on this site, I feel free to explore wonderful worlds that so many have created together to form a multiverse with a common theme amongst most of them.
Friendship.Is.Magic.
Your stories bring me to tears of sadness and a heart full of joy to know that I was, if just for a moment, able to help someone feel better about themselves and if only for a single second to show that this world isn't just some bleak ball of rock that we all die on but a world where there is still hope for happiness and friendship but only if you seek it out and ask for a helping hand that one day you yourself might be lending to some down on his luck sod who would one day return the favor to another and so on.
My point is is never give up the notion that these stories mean nothing as I feel that you put a bit of your heart and soul into them and it shows Puppet, it shows like a bright star and it makes me happy and tearful that you enjoy even my opinion on something that makes you happy.