Rewritten scene in "[1] The calm after the storm" · 11:15am Jan 16th, 2016
I've almost finished doing a review of all chapters from arcs [0] and [1], and while so far there haven't been any major edits beyond grammar fixes and the rewording of a bunch of sentences, I decided that a particular scene in "The calm after the storm" needed a rework.
I'm doing this blog post both as a notification for those who've already read through that chapter, but also for historical purposes, because I hate just "throwing away" work; even if said work won't be used anymore. Part of the reason why I also posted deleted scenes for various chapters.
Here's how the scene looked before. (Reworked parts marked in red):
It's... kind of weird, to suddenly realize that you're about to look at a reflection of yourself, only you aren't exactly "yourself" anymore, instead having this sort of alien body. Granted I could turn around and see myself anytime I wished to, but there's this thing about one's face that just becomes an important part in what we use to identify and differentiate ourselves from others, in a way.
Lara seemed to be amused at how I was steadily sneaking towards the mirror, at least.
I took a deep breath (relatively speaking), nervously exhaled and took the final steps to place myself in front of it.
And then I saw her-- my face.
...
'Whoa' was my initial thought as I saw my slitted pupils, their red coloration identical to my hair's. If I didn't know any better, they gave this sort of 'evil' impression at first glance. I also noticed my eyes were as abnormally large as Lara's were compared to equines from Earth, while my muzzle was also shorter than what I had seen on horses comparatively.
'There's no way that our eyes are merely orbs within an eye socket...' I theorized.
I faintly heard the sound of giggling in the background as I then went from curious, to surprised and finally to dumbfounded as I observed my pupils dilating in extreme ways, going from "normal-sized" to "tiny" and eventually "huge" once I started viewing the little baby female changeling in front of me as... being somewhat adorably cute.
The scene was replaced by the following:
It was... kind of weird, to suddenly realize that you were about to look at a reflection of yourself, only you weren't exactly "yourself" anymore, instead having this sort of alien body. Granted, I could turn around and see myself anytime I wished to, or at least a large portion of 'me', but there's this thing about one's face that just ends up becoming an important part in what we use to identify and differentiate ourselves from others, in a way.
Lara seemed to be amused at how I was steadily sneaking towards the mirror, at least.
I took a deep breath (relatively speaking), nervously exhaled and took the final steps to place myself in front of it.
It was then that I saw...
...well, I would've said something along the lines of "it's hard to believe that the person I see in the mirror is me," but that would've been a lie... even though I couldn't recognize the tiny being in the mirror in any way, shape or form.
I mean, I knew that what I was seeing was what I looked like; that the being that I could observe in the mirror was 'me'. That was the easy part to believe since, obviously, I was the only person directly in front of the reflective surface.
No, the part that was harder to come to terms with was the fact that 'me' now translated into... that.
Staring right back in surprise and mild shock were slitted eyes as proportionately large as Lara's, a hint of disbelief marring the red pupils with irises that almost seemed to be glowing. Tattered wings that splayed themselves out the moment I walked in front of the mirror were on display, fanning out as much as possible while she hissed at me in a pathetic and perhaps cute attempt at appearing bigger than she was.
...Oh, wait, right. That was me.
...
That was me.
The being I was seeing in the mirror slowly relaxed, her surprised stare turning into a confused and apprehensive one.
That. Was me.
Even though I kept telling myself that, it just... didn't quite fully register. And yet, when I moved my right arm, she moved her left one in perfect tandem. When I blinked, she blinked. When I brought my ha—hoof into contact with the reflective glass, she bumped hers with mine.
I was looking at a mirror, and everything she would do would be because I was the one actually doing it, because that. Was. Me.
There's a few other lines after that that were changed as well, but they're a bit spread out.
I pretty much felt the need to make the scene somewhat more... 'realistic'. Because honestly? How it used to be made me cringe whenever I got to reading that part.
If anyone thinks it could be changed in any way to potentially be better, or even if there's another scene somewhere along the story that you think could be reworked to be better, please let me know; whether it's through a pm, through a comment in the story, or through a comment on this post.
Yeah, that does read better. It's even more realistic, and adorable, than before. Not to mention it reads better, as you said. Doesn't it feel great knowing that you are objectively improving in your writing as the story goes along?
Also, I really love your progress updates on your profile. This fic is one of the stories I look forward to the most, and knowing just where the next chapter is really makes the wait easier. Est. 17 k? Totally going to be worth the wait!
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While that does feel great, going back to edit and/or fix old chapters is painful.
Honestly, it's kind of embarrassing for me to re-read the first half of my story because of how I improved over time. "What the heck was I thinking!?" pretty much summed up most of my thoughts when I was going through them.
And I'm glad you enjoy my progress updates! Most of the time I feel like I'm talking to myself when I post those.
Changes. Not progress. And I'm not the one to lie. jameswjesso.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Sad-Cat.jpg