CCC: cleverpun's Critique Corner #15 — The Writing on the Wall · 9:43pm Jan 12th, 2016
Today's story relies heavily on its twist/reveal. I have made as much effort as possible to not spoil said reveal, but this is a difficult story to critique while avoiding spoilers.
Title: The Writing on the Wall
Author: Horse Voice
Found via: good question
Short summary: Daring Do is called in to help explore an ancient tomb. Upon arrival, she and her peers find that the tomb was constructed using impossibly advanced technology. Everyone who visited it before left and re-sealed it, only leaving a translation of a message near the entrance. Like any shortsighted protagonist, the ponies explore it anyway.
The Title/Description: The description sadly undersells the story; it does not emphasize what makes the story unique, and so comes off as rather generic. Likewise, the title only has meaning after the story has already been read.
This is likely a necessary move, in order to preserve the story’s twist, but it really misrepresents the story.
Genre(s): Mystery, Horror, Twist Delivery, Import Fic
What does this story do well?: This story is one of those that is designed to deliver a twist/reveal, and gives equal consideration to both the twist itself and the build up to it. The story begins by introducing characters, having them trade banter, and intentionally downplays the importance of the tomb itself. As the story moves toward the reveal, however, the emphasis gradually shifts towards the tomb and its nature. It hooks the reader with one thing, then elegantly redirects their attention to the main plot.
The story also strikes a good balance with its ending. The main idea of the plot has enough clues to be obvious. The nature of the tomb becomes obvious to the reader by the end. But the exact fate of Daring Do and the expedition is left up to the reader. It’s a great example of how an author can leave some aspects of the story up to interpretation while still making others more concrete.
Where could this story improve?: The story’s opening has some awkward phrasing. In particular, the description of the tomb and scenery is hard to parse and uses some needlessly obtuse vocabulary. As the story moves along and doesn’t need to describe such things, it noticeably becomes easier to read.
The subplot with Ahuitzotl also doesn’t do much for the story. I can understand it from an authorial perspective; it helps to move the story along and adds tension to the narrative. Both of those goals were already being done by the story’s other elements, however, so the subplot doesn’t feel particularly interesting.
In a single sentence: a well-paced and chilling narrative, that has applicability and verisimilitude thanks to its topic.
Verdict: Upvote. I’m a bit biased about this story. A long time ago, I read a particular article on damninteresting (linked in the story comments) about the story’s topic. At the time, I thought to myself “this would make an incredible story.” Turns out I was right, and I’m glad that a better writer than I followed through on the idea.
Even leaving aside that personal element, this story has great pacing, well-presented characters, and a haunting message. Even having figured out the reveal partway through the story, the ending still left me shivering. Not just because of the characters and their fate, but because of what the story says about us as a civilization.
Agreed. This is one of the classics.
Oh cool, a new reviewer! Followed.
I wrote this to raise awareness about a real-world problem, and I consider its success in that regard my greatest achievement. Thank you for the kind words.
I may be about to show my ignorance, but what is an "Import Fic"?
3682043 That is the term I use to refer to stories that import elements of humanity into Equestria, without actually having Humans In Equestria. The imported elements can range from values, ideas, technology, or anything of the sort. The stories generally revolve around the characters reacting to the elements, and explaining how the elements fit into their society.
In this story's case, the thing it is importing is the nuclear waste disposal site. Now, one could argue that it isn't really an import fic, since the imported element in question is obviously alien to ponies. I think, however, that the contrast is what gives the imported element gravitas.
I've written reviews of two other import fics; To Be A Mule (imports classism) and Painted Jack (imports tattoos). Perhaps reading those would help demonstrate how I use the term.
And don't be silly. Remember, questions do not display ignorance; they combat it.
"[E]very question is a cry to understand the world. There is no such thing as a dumb question." -- Carl Sagan
I'm a bit... surprised, to be honest, that you liked this fic. Just about every part of it is so cliche that I was just waiting for when something unique happened. Every tomb since King Tut's has been the site of a bioweapon. At this point, it'd be more of a surprise if the tomb was just a straight tomb, no bioweapons or cursed artifacts to be found! I guess we're supposed to be shocked by that end twist, but to be honest, the novelty of the universal radiation warning has started to wear off on me. I'm almost to the point where I can recite it by memory.
As a story, it's basically a non-entity. What is the plot? Nothing happens, so... What is Daring Do's character arc? She gets sick, but other than that... What is the story trying to tell us? That radiation is bad? I'm pretty sure that's not a surprise to much of anyone.
So I'm left with... nothing, really, other than Daring Do's snark. Good snark, mind, but man does not live on snark alone. 
3682593 Your comment reminds me of Daring Do and the Weapon of the Ancients. I felt about that story the way you did about this one: cliche and lacking uniqueness.
I think as just a story, you're right that The Writing on the Wall is pretty flawed. The reveal was broadcast a mile away, and the protagonists were standard-issue genre blind. But I'm a sucker for commentary on civilization. The story is elevated by its message, and framing it with ponies makes enough sense to have impact.
If you're familiar with the message, though, then obviously that impact is lost. In particular, the descriptions of radiation sickness come off as very heavy handed if one is already familiar with the topic. Like I noted in the review, however, I'm obviously a bit biased by my prior encounter of the topic. I might venture to say I thought more about that article during the story than I did the story itself.
Theme and message can go a long way, but neither mean much if the story is preaching to the choir