More Paranoia · 3:41pm Jan 3rd, 2016
So, in about 12 hours from now, I'm seeing a doctor who is either telling me bad new, terrible news or the worst news. That fucking sucks. When your best case scenario is bad news from your doctor, your Dungeon Master is a fucking arsehole and you're obviously playing a homebrewed Paranoia campaign.
Stealth Train's much more preferable, don't you think?
When we last left our intrepid "Heroes" they were about to get a visit from Arnold-B, their Blue commander-in-chief.
This will be Fun!
He comes down with a full replacement team for them. It's their first mission of their first game and they might've already fucked up irrevocably.
"Where's the stealth train project?"
They point at it.
"This obviously isn't it. Where's the project?"
They gesture at the goggles and insist he wear them.
He stares at them.
"These are just sunglasses with knobs superglued to them. Have you... have you pawned issued equipment on the IR market? Is this what you were hoping to pass off as high-tech Phase Goggles? And what of the train?! Forget simply being knocked down to IR yourself, this is serious grounds for full brainscrubbing!" -- Lobotomy, for the uninitiated.
Mad Scientist: "Sir, I'm sorry to say, this is the stealth train Deborah's Defenders assigned us to--"
Arnold B: "Wait, did you just say Deborah's Defenders? They've been AWOL for over a month now and-"
The lights cut out.
So those 6 troubleshooters he brought with him to replace our four intrepid and stalwart "Heroes"?
Two Death Leopards -- Anarchists -- break from their ranks and dive for the coal wagon.
Two Pro Techs -- As name implies -- leg it for the engine car and start trying to start the damn train moving.
And two Illuminati -- Assassins! -- With skill specialty in "Kill Arnold B Silently (20)" are armed with 2 red laser pistols aimed at Arnold's head... painted red. The lasers are obviously violet. Almost as treasonous as capping a Blue citizen in the back of the neck, certainly!
The players jump immediately to action:
Team Leader: "MAD SCIENTIST YOU GOT A CAMERA?"
Mad Scientist: "YEAH"
Team Leader: "EVERYONE GET THE FUCK IN SHOT."
They dive into frame, hands up the whole time, and everyone shouts, hands above them, as loud and as fast as they can--
"DIDN'T DO IT DIDN'T DO IT DIDN'T DO IT WASN'T US COULDN'T BE HELPED."
The train drives down the tunnel piloted by cackling mad techies as the anarchists dive off and run down another tube -- Still the PC's do nothing.
Why?
Team Leader, on camera: "WE ARE STILL OFFICIALLY AWAITING REPRIMAND AND REASSIGNMENT THIS DOES NOT FALL UNDER THE ALLOCATION OF OUR PREVIOUSLY ASSIGNED DUTIES NONE OF THIS IS OUR FAULT."
The train blows up from the anarchist's bomb.
Girlfriend: "WE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT EITHER YOU SAW THE WHOLE THING."
The dust clears. The lights come back on.
Molly-O falls silent. She does not answer calls when the video is sent to her.
Two Indigo citizens show up.
The General of the Armed Forces and the Head of Research. In their pajamas, rubbing sleep out of their eyes.
General: "What happened?"
Researcher: "There's been some problems with the stealth field. I bet these guys haven't been able to decloak it all night. Isn't that right?"
General: "Is that right... So, then, you can vouch that the train exists? And that it works? You know for a fact that this whole debacle hasn't simply been a scam to siphon from my department's budget, then? Because I suspect --" and here he glowers at the Researcher -- "That this is the case."
Researcher: "Don't be absurd. Of course it's real. It's simply--"
An evil chuckle rolls up from one of the tunnels.
Deborah-Y: "I'm sorry about this, guys. You seem pretty cool. But yeah, this whole thing's just been a ploy to get these two together, unguarded, in the same room together. We're gunna have to waste you all, now."
They have gattling lasers.
"DROP YOUR WEAPONS, DEB!"
Communist; "Oh god it's Andrea's Avengers."
Two perversity points.
Yep. They appear up the opposite end. With miniguns.
It's a tense stalemate.
Girlfriend: "We drop to the ground, prone?"
Team Leader: "No sudden movements. We'll still be scraped off the floor if they start shooting, either way."
Mad Scientist: "It's okay, I got a plan. So, all we need to say is-"
The elevator opens up. Who is it?
Team Leader: "Oh, god damn it, Molly is pissed isn't she?"
Yes.
Yes she is.
A very, very illegal slugthrower of her own in-hand.
"HOW COULD YOU MORONS DO THIS TO ME? THIS WAS SUCH A SIMPLE JOB AND YOU BLEW IT ALL UP."
TPK is achieved in seconds.
The six clones are dumped in the debriefing room with a note fluttering down on the top of the pile (The team leader, as always)
"Thanks for your valiant service. I'll be keeping an eye on you lot in the future to help me put an end to this scam and insubordination once and for all.
~ The General"
It's okay, the next game will be much safer.
All they're going to need to do, after all, is serve drinks. How hard could that be?
END GAME ONE.
Oof. Here's hoping the medical news is as not bad as it can be.
So, we've abandoned all hope of good news?
Hope the news actually turns out to be good, instead...
Also... yeah, that's about par for a Paranoia game. Damn if it isn't AMAZINGLY fun reading these though! They're awesome!
"It's okay, the next game will be much safer."
In Paranoia this isn't saying much...
This aptly describes Paranoia.
Good luck at the doctor (well... as much as you can get), and thanks for the continued updates on the Paranoia campaign.
And a Dwarf Fortress reference. :)
"It's okay, the next game will be much safer."
Friend Computer guarantees it!
Anyone who seems to be acting as if it isn't safe is therefore obviously a spy spreading subversive propaganda and must be terminated, of course.
3662179 You have to be a special kinda person to enjoy paranoia.
Make the best of everything, because everything has a silver lining.
Sometimes you just need to look really, really, really hard.
I wonder whether computer tech has any chance of doing stuff.