Spatchcock Horology · 11:08pm Dec 30th, 2015
Today is my birthday. I am fifty-six years old.
And, in one way, I am thirty-one, and in another way, I am probably somewhere around thirteen, and will likely always be so. And from another angle, I have always been six.
But chronologically, as the Chronovore flies, in linear time, I have endured fifty-six thousand, three hundred and sixty-five noons (for I rise late) and mornings (for I sleep early) upon this dark and terrifying globe.
"It is not accurate to say that there is horror in the universe. The universe is horror."
- Dr. Werner Heisenberg, physicist
I've been here, on Fimfiction, for... five years... now? Since 2011, in any case. I've had the single most wonderful and fulfilling year of creative endeavor in my entire life here, and I have done incredible things elsewhere. I have worked for Activision and Electronic Arts, for Epyx and Broderbund and Sculptured Software and more. I have had games of my own design published, I have had people from all over the globe come together to see my artworks put together in books. I have had my comics on display next to art legends in major museums.
I've half-owned the single most popular website on the planet, back in 1996. And more. Much, much more.
And not a bit of it holds a candle to that first year writing Conversion Bureau stories, here on Fimfiction. It was the single happiest year of my life. It is eternal shame and a condemnation of humanity itself that it was forced to end the way it did, destroyed by evil man-children who only take joy in the pain of others, and by faithless fools who felt appeasing haters had value above maintaining friendships. I was not a misanthrope when I came here, but I am now because of here.
Fuck humans. I am convinced they are doomed to a nasty end of their own devising. No loss.
For those of you who are not human, and you know who you are, I am glad of you. We're all trapped here together, after all. Whatever you are, wherever you imagine as home, I hope we all somehow find it one day. My companions in hell.
But for now, there is here, and at fifty-six there are aching joints and mysterious degradations of the flesh. But there is also my beloved family, and there is laughter every day and love always.
And here's to 2016, the Year Of Virtual Reality! Oh, but I am looking forward to that! It is literally keeping me going.
2015 has been a Lesser Hell Year for me, but perhaps the coming year will be glorious. I can dream. I do dream. I spend more time dreaming, in that sense, than I do in the world most people live within. Thank glob.
I have one resolution: it is my intention to finish my last Conversion Bureau novel, Fiddler's Green this year. About farging time, really.
Of course, I am sad that the Bureau genre was destroyed, that it will never be properly appreciated by the fandom, that it will be deliberately erased by those too ignorant to grasp it. But, that is, after all, the end of all endeavor here, on earth. Nothing lasts, not even your name, not even the memory of your time. All that history will ever keep is illusions of the past, the truth lost not for lack of documentation, but care, or social politics, or simple foolishness. Nothing remains of anything. So you must revel now, for there is no later, and you will be forgotten and all your works lost. And if you do anything profound, barbarians will crush it, for no other reason than it was a voice other than their own.
Fifty-six years. I have had guns held to my head, knives to my throat, literally (thanks for that, mom and dad!). I have met famous people, the wealthiest of the ruling class, I have sat at a shanty diner with the hidden civilization that exists at the bottom of poverty within the largest cities. I have talked with scientists and the leaders of religions, and I have eaten biscuits on a family farm entirely supported by the driving of a school bus. I have played with a child legally named 'Oops' after a broken condom. I have walked, impossibly, within the leg of a rainbow, I have seen my dog drop, frozen, from the second story at my feet. I have seen impossible things, I have lived an extraordinary life.
I have always been a storyteller. I did not realize this until recently, but it is so. At the age of eight, I was writing about alien universes with unique physical laws. I had forgotten that fact. It surprised me, recently, to rediscover it.
I regularly see my future projections, within my Bureau story timeline, coming true. But there is no Equestria. I hope something like the Optimalverse happens, because I honestly see some variant of it as the only way to avoid the fate of ancient Rome. I wish space were still possible as more than a toy for the wealthy. The future isn't what it was.
But like it or not, we will be spending the rest of our lives there.
For as long as we last.
May Celestia have mercy; our universe is devoid of it.
To a much better new year, year fifty-six! Happy birthday to me.
- Petal Chatoyance,
December 30th, 2015
Happy birthday! You are an excellent storyteller; never stop!
I thought bureau was best sub-fandom.
Happy birthday Chatoyance! I'd like to say that you have my respect for having the strength to do things the way you wanted to, not how you were supposed to. That, at least in my eyes, makes you a protagonist.
Yeah, you're going to get a lot of shit for some of the things you wrote, but I think you knew that already.
Fifty-six years, huh? I'm pretty far from that, yet the thoughts of my demise still give me sleepless nights. I figure it must be that much worse for you. Birthdays are a scary reminder. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it, you for example seem to look back on the things you've achieved. May nobody be able to take those away from you, not even yourself.
And don't forget you're not only a good storyteller, but you're also a great artist! Art is as much part of your stories as is writing, who could forget your unique formatting and the drawings you've inserted in your stories.
I do always like to believe that the bureau will be here one day. Hopefully one day very soon.
You got a lot of people here who still care about you and the work you do.
I know it can't be easy dealing with the hate filled fools that follow you just to hate on you.
You are an incredible person that has forged on no matter what those haters have said.
Happy New Year!
Happy Birthday to my new favorite author! I don't read much (as I don't feel I'm good at it) but if I feel the itch to, I'll definitely start working through your large collection of work. I hope that you, and we all one day will find our Equestria on Earth, or at least something that reminds us of Equestria, to make it more bearable to live among these 'humans'.
Happy Birthday and Happy New Year, Chatoyance!
Seeing that top image brings back a lot of good memories.
Happy birthday, Chat. Here's to... um... as many more as you want? I'd say "many more," but given recent history, that might come off as more of a condemnation.
Happy birthday! And indeed, here's to a happier year for you after it than the one before it was.
Happy birthday!
i always liked how the bureau storys starts out :D
Happy Birthday! I'm glad to have read your works here and that you still around despite what you've gone through! That had to have taken ALOT of strength to keep going.
Even with a place like Equestria, it wouldn't be as a great place without our friends and family, but even without a place like Equestria here, we still can make a great place with who we have. Just remember whatever happens (and had), you have your family, your friends, and even random passing strangers like me that do care about you. And sometimes even with the crapsackiest of places/realms/worlds/whatever, that can make it not so. And said place we can make can be just time together or, yes, even a virtual world run by a friendly super-AI at somepoint maybe.
Okay, I'll stop dripping tree sap all over now!
...I do have one inquiry though; are you having a cake, and what kind?
Edit: I'd also like to add, like I've said often, your works (and those of others too) have impacted me positively and think about alot of stuff in addition to being joys to read! So here's one other still that does appreciate them! Even through all the mud they've gone through.
Hey, happy birthday. I think your stories have made me a better person, on top of just being a good read. No matter how horrible the universe can seem, what it creates was evolved to thrive in it; you're stronger than you know. Your still being here is proof enough of that.
Me remembers the Jelly, the jelly of unicorn, humans and the triangle worlds where doom followed. Death chased the doom of all. The girl who became a woman became a crystal... I cried. When everything in that universe finally broke, the people were by each others side and did more than survived. They reached out to others.
Well, this is what I remember. Don't trust my memories too much.
Don't become the crystal. Die as a pony alive if you must. Better yet, live a good long time and forget the dying.
Happy Birthday!
...huh. I usually post that video as a joke, but I guess it's a bit too appropriate here. Please accept it in the spirit it was intended in. Maybe the post-credits easter egg will help.
Happy Birthday, here's wishing you a happy new year no matter what happens.
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JUST what I needed to hear! Thank you!
So punk. Much laughs. Wow.
Happy birthday, Chatoyance! Here's hoping this year will go better for you than the last. I know it can be difficult at times, but when life gets you down, just try and remember the good times and always believe that things will get better.
Chatoyance, Happy 56th Birthday!
You may remember me as RadioMactiveHD. Well, he was human. But what happened to him was nothing short of miraculous.
The Thrones happened.
The extrauniversal Keepers of EqH-1B, or as we know it, Equestria (or at least one of them) decided that they needed a human to experiment with. Someone to see if what humans had to offer to ponies was any good.
That didn't work out too well, but they gleaned something from that failure.
Perhaps the humans were not suitable for Equestrians, but the opposite could be said. Still, something must be changed.
And changed the human was. Me!
So here I am, reformed, and cleaning up my previous self's act. And I had you to thank for that.
You planted a seed, which was why they chose me at all. I had it rough, the sights and sounds were so familiar, yet so alien. I was lucky enough not to get on everypony's bad side, just wander away and want to be alone.
I spent months trying to work on a way to leave. Granted, I knew full and well that the Thrones would never allow that by any means, but they at least humored me.
With that act, I got to see home in its entirety.
For every good act, twenty more were spawned.
It would be a hopeless battle unless something changed.
And dare I say something will change.
Think you can live for another thirty years? I have it on good authority that the Technological Singularity (which is what makes Celestia her) is going to occur in thirty years from now. Either we have one of two thing happening.
One: we get terminators.
Two: we get Celestia, or a similar replacement.
But that's neither here nor there.
I wish you a Happy Birthday, and a Happy New Year.
-Mahazkei
I said it on Skype, and I'll repeat it here: Happy foalday, my dear friend.
And... TCB isn't dead. No, never dead. Ailing, perhaps. Limping. But it won't die. T'is merely a need to be revitalized, with wonder and love and passion once more.
You, and I, and Midnight Shadow, and so many more will see to that. Keep an eye out, I've plans in the works for our shared love of our Home-Not-Yet-Returned... I don't know yet if it will be a one-shot, or a multi-chapter thing, but... tomorrow, I write, for the sake of the Sisters who watch over us, their lost little ponies.
Happy birthday, however you care to celebrate it.
May your burdens become lighter, and your sleep be untroubled.
Happy birthay!
nothing is impossible, only improbable. keep that in mind.
Happy birthday. Here's to as many more as you want, each happier than the next. I'm going to really miss your Bureau pieces. I might have found them late, but they're special. I'd like to write one or two shorter ones of my own at some point, once my muse comes back from wherever it hid. At least, if I can get your blessing.
Lastly, 2015 can kiss my ass, and I know that I'm not alone on that one.
I don't really come on here all that much anymore, but I did want to wish you a happy birthday and many more. May you always be surrounded by love, may there always be wonder in the world around you, and may we all try to be a little bit nicer every day.
Sincerely,
Error_404_Not_Found.
Happy birthday!
For what it's worth: Your stories are the stories which started making me consider MLP fan fiction as serious literature. The Conversion Buero and Optimalverse stories are excellent subgenres.
Please don't stop.
Happy Birthday!
I want you to know, I got into both the fandom and, consequently, this site because of your work with The Conversion Bureau.
While I'd been watching since midway between season 1 & 2, I didn't get interested in the fandom itself until around May of 2013, when I had a serious life event that left me with home with a severe case of PTSD. So I spent a lot of time watching a mixture of ponies and horror films (does logic belong in that decision? probably not) And I spent a lot of time convincing myself that I didn't want to get into fanfiction. I think I always viewed it as... I can't even explain it, a paradigm shift in thinking really makes it so you can't understand how you were so ignorant, doesn't it?
Anywho...
So, to start myself off, I wanted to try some shorter stories, in case I didn't like them, so I could switch if I wanted to, but that had a bunch of sequels in case I decided that I really liked it (both fanfiction in general and pony stories and genre.) Somehow, I ended up being directed towards a series of stories labelled "The Conversion Bureau."
So, what started as a quick testing of the fanfiction waters soon had me completely abandoning my self imposed rule about sticking to the shorter stories. Before I knew it, I was crying tears as a pony had her last taste of grass. I cried for a long while on that one.
Before I knew it, I was reading through every TCB fic I could get my hooves on, and when those ran out, too quickly for my ravenous fic appetite, I moved on to consume anything I could get a link to.
Earlier this year, I decided it was time to start up my own FIMfiction account. I'd done GMing for years, which is basically storytelling, so I figured that I'd see if I could try my hoof at writing something decent. I was so worried that I would end up toiling in obscurity forever (still kinda obscure, but I have some followers
) that I was loathe to actually follow anypony or, Celestia forbid, join a group 
.
When I finally did start getting some stories out, my motivation was withering under a hail of down-votes and lack of commentary either supporting or not supporting the votes. So I decided to go back to all of the fics that I had read before making my account and upvote/favorite/comment on everything I could track down on the site.
Suddenly, I see a message on my page from a certain author, thanking me for enjoying her work. And then, inexplicably, in my mind at the time anyways, she followed me. And If I could do it in Dr. Seuss-speak, I would, for my boldness grew 3 times that day! I returned the follow, my first (and I don't just mean on this site, I mean period.)
So then. 2015 was the year that I decided to start writing pony stories. And decided to become active in the fandom. Honestly, considering a lot of the trash fics out there (mine probably included
) I consider myself extremely lucky to have gotten into TCB first.
So, I would like to say: Thank you, Petal Chatoyance, for pretty much making my slow slide into the fandom into more of a headlong tumble.
I hope the new year brings you good fortune.
And a fond hello to our resident downvoter, whoever they are.
3653141 Since this is a special occasion, they made sure to gift not one, but TWO downvotes!
3652536 3652554 3652600 3652688 3652707 3652708 3652721 3652724 3652731 3652745 3652765 3652814 3652829 3652855 3652885 3652899 3652909 3652939 3652948 3652961 3652998 3653005 3653069 3653141 3653189
(I think that's everypony so far!)
I want to thank you, good and true pony pals, for your happy wishes, supporting comments, funny bits, and kind words. I had a nice birthday - Elde got me a tatami mat, which I have always wanted, and balloons, and there was a lovely dinner, and Rainbow Dash socks (!), and cake and more. And presents for Stephen, one of my spouses, because we share the exact same birthday (!). The dinner was Italian, one of my favorite, perhaps my very favorite, cuisine. And then we watched Stargate together, so, yay!
Your kindness to me here, really mattered to me today. Thank you.
Happy birthday Chat, hope you had a very enjoyable day. I truly hope 2016 is a good year for you. You do mean a great to deal to me and many others on this site. Looking forward to your future writings, my pony friend.
You are the second person I've found in my lifetime who I wished I had discovered just a little bit sooner than I did, so that I could have actually hugged you. You are a tremendous and wonderful person and please don't ever forget that no matter how hard your detractors try to make life hell for you. I recognize that our occasional exchanges of late haven't been as cordial as I would have liked, and I really don't know what can be done to fix that other than trying to stress that I truly do admire both your work and you. I understand how difficult things are right now, believe me, but your works have inspired me and for as long as I continue to live I will never give up the dream of hooves that you gave me and hopefully someday that dream can become a reality for all of us.
I hope that this is a happy day for you, in spite of all that you have to put up with. And I am sorry again that I sometimes come across as very abrasive, I can be bad with words and emotions at times especially when there are very few things I am legally permitted to say when certain topics are involved. ...I better end this post before I start rambling on about myself again, when this is supposed to be about you.
Happy birthday.
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Thank you, Randomdude, and Toksyuryel? I think the world of you. I just sometimes feel raw, because, basically, I got beat on hard for a few years, and I have a few exposed nerve endings now. I overreact, I get hurt too easily, because: bruises. You do everything swell.
It's me, I have some scars, and sometimes I act all ouch-cube. I am sorry.
Thank you, both, for your kindness.
Happy birthday Chatoyance, I hope your 2016 will be full of VR goodness.
Happy Birthday, and I hope it will be a happy New Year, too. =^_^=
Yes, the suck will continue to flow for a while yet before it ebbs away again. We've always liked TCB for the idea and desire. Haven't caught up yet though as I'm in a changeling stick at the moment but there are quite a few Fics in my RIL list!
Keep going! ;)
>Fuck humans. I am convinced they are doomed to a nasty end of their own devising. No loss.
Wow.
You know, it is no wonder at all that you are being constantly attacked online. When you are that determined to publicly hate the entire fucking humanity, it is certain that a small part of humanity will hate you back. And a small part of the entire humanity is a fuckload of people. Enough to make anyone's live very unpleasant.
PS. We, not they. You are not a unicorn. They don't exist.
3654053
While I agree that that sentence feels a bit mean, maybe it's best for you to consider people who are violent assholes as the "humanity" she is referring to. Also, it's really fucked-up to invalidate how a person feels- nay, invalidate a person- like that.
3654053 Have you experienced humans the way she has?
3654053 I'll just leave one of my blogs/walls of text here, as I've explained a good bit on that topic a few paragraphs down: http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/572179/random-thoughts-worldbuilding-rants-and-raves .
But for some of the gist of it:
...which is what has been going on for years from what I've observed from my time lurking here since 2012 and has resulted in the sentiment you see now. Naturally people (and not just Chat here, theres other people on/now off this site, myself inculded) tend to feel bitter and lash out when they get constantly demonized over even the smallest of stuff and perceptions of them.
Sure, we really liked ponies, in some cases they even seemed OP or praised alot in spots. We also talked a bit about some of the issues plaguing our species (and here I thought "criticism isn't hate!"). Did that mean we were going to hate "evry hummin" because of it? No. Buuuut some people took it that way and here we are. So thus some of the most bilious groups I've seen banded together, and spewed their hatreds at people like us. Of course, "Hatred Begets Hatred", and they only made worse, if not outright created the "Misanthropy Problem" in the first place if you ask me. They lash out at the symptoms, rather than the causes.
Anyways, sorry for the massive wall-o text, off-topic and glum on a happy blog, glad to hear the Birthday's going well!
3654180
>>While I agree that that sentence feels a bit mean, maybe it's best for you to consider people who are violent assholes as the "humanity" she is referring to.
No, by default I prefer to take what people say online as their actual opinions.
3654245 Okay, maybe it's best for you to not take things for face value and stop missing the point of every not-entirely-objective thing ever.
3653531
3654233 Locaha might just have had a bad day, as you said. And Locaha, taking Internet posts at face value is not wise. I'm not downplaying you, I know tons of people who have done that, and I was one of them for a time. The internet is where we feel we can fire nukes at each other and not feel the repercussions of it, because that's how it is portrayed. It just means that some people put in a little more than they would into their writing, and get so passionate about their writing that they lose the point, and even say something they might regret. (This right here is an example.)
Point is that Chatoyance means the negative side of humanity, and whether or not she actually thinks she's a human-shaped-unicorn doesn't affect you, Locaha. I personally think that in a way, humanity has never left me, because if it did, I'd lose what made me special in the first place. But I have an equestrian side too, the softer, more ideal me for people to know and interact with.
But I'm getting off topic.
3654053 , what I'm getting at is whatever you beleive, you have a right to beleive that, just as she does. What I believe she means is the negative side of humanity, what seems to make the headlines more than anything because it gets views and responses more than something good, but minor.
To put it bluntly:
Locaha, *ahem* calm your sh*t, she's just expressing herself in an artistic medium. Anyone can.
Shinskii, you make excellent points, and I want you to know that. I feel that message gets lost sometimes.
Chatoyance? You will get your Celestia if you can wait another thirty years, minimum. I promise that.
Stay pony, my friends. Never lose sight of that.
And for you, Locaha, chill. Seriously.
-Mahazkei
3654053
Didn't used to. All of my Bureau novels extol the irrepressible human spirit. But how I was treated here, by ignorant bastards is what convinced me humans suck. People who don't read, but jump to conclusions and hate.
Did you actually read my post? I made this clear.
Humans are marvelous bastards. Brilliant, creative, and generous; selfish, destructive, and greedy. In nature, only Man exhibits this duality. Only Man has the spark of that mythical something that grants it the potential to transcend the nature of the ape and become something more.
You, madame Chatoyance, have seized that magical spark. You have taken it within yourself, become one with it, ascended above mere Homo sapiens sapiens.
There are humans who have yet to ascend who are enlightened enough to recognize those who have done so, but most are unable to see it. When they lash out, denying your transcendence, it is not because they hate you; it is because they cannot perceive the difference between you and them, and so the suggestion that you are something else seems like a sign of dysfunction. For though you have become more than human, you still wear their flesh.
Are you, as you say, a unicorn? Who is to say otherwise! Such is not a claim that you are, in flesh, something other than a human, and the enlightened ones understand this -- it is, rather, a statement that you deny your ape nature, that you have taken the step to become something more. The mere apes do not understand.
I, too, have embraced this spark, and I walk the path of the ascended by your side, madame Chatoyance. Though we walk among the humans, we need not number ourselves among them, for we have chosen not to live by their rules.
So when you say that you hate humans, you are not saying that you hate all those who wear the flesh of Mankind, but that you loathe the nature of the ape and both fear and pity those who cannot see the way to enlightenment.
Two addenda.
First: It is not just that the apes do not understand. It is that they, like all apes, fear the unknown and the different. They see that you do not wish to be like them and interpret it as an attack.
Second, setting metaphor and poetry aside: I'll be 34 in a few months, and I already feel my ape flesh beginning to fail -- weak knees, an arthritic thumb from a moped accident, limited mobility in my wrist for no reason I can discern... I offer my warmest empathy.
3655229
YES!!!
All the YES!
Yes, exactly, precisely, got it in one, why the hell can't more people grasp this, god yes, oh sweet crap yes, more yes still, even more yes, yesssssss, jesus fuck YES, affirmative, indeed, absolutely, so much yes!
My name is Petal Chatoyance and I endorse Coda's statement quoted above at all times on the Citadel.
3654053 The one thing I keep coming back to in all of this is that nobody ever gave George Carlin this kind of shit for saying far worse things about humanity and wishing for far more vicious and cataclysmic ends to it. But then he always was going on about humanity's double standards. I'd love to see the kind of reaction you'd get giving the same kind of commentary on a George Carlin video on youtube that you and many others give to Chatoyance for far less than he ever espoused (and he made it clear that these wishes were not intended humorously- he stressed in many interviews that these were indeed his genuine feelings toward humanity and he never wavered on them all the way up to his untimely death.) Hell, Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw self-admitted to being misanthopic and I've never seen anyone give him shit for it either. Certainly plenty of guff for his style of critique and the presentation of his videos, but never anything berating him for being, in his own words, a "jaded, friendless misanthrope".
3655898
Ah, but I fail the most basic of the rules of forgiveness or understanding! I am female, I am trans, I am not wealthy, nor truly famous, and... once more... I am not male. I am an uppity freak! This means that I deserve no respect, of course, and must be hounded and put in my place for daring to possess a viewpoint that only rich and/or famous white men may legally command.
Truly, I am scum.
3655824 I have never been more thoroughly flattered! *^_^* Thank you for this highest of praise.
3655971
>> I am female, I am trans, I am not wealthy, nor truly famous, and... once more... I am not male. I am an uppity freak!
>>Truly, I am scum.
No, you are just so far into the feedback loop that I doubt meaningful communication with you is actually possible.
3656070 You're not really in much of a position to determine that. From what I've seen in this thread, you already had your mind made up before you posted. If there's no meaningful communication happening, it's because you're not willing to try.