"Happiness" · 11:28pm Dec 4th, 2015
After what Jarvy has said in his reply to my last entry I had to write this one down.
Jarvy, you know that I respect your opinion. Yet, for how much I respect you I can’t agree on what you just wrote. Not in the slightest. You see, Jarvy, you wrote that you are here just to be happy. Without giving too much input about what happens. And here is where I draw the line.
I am also a writer, but before of that I am a reviewer. I watch things and I try my best to give my thoughts on it without sounding impartial on the matter, summoning both the pros and the flaws of something. And if something is bad I’m not going to hold back because what’s happening in one episode is making everypony happy. Being happy just because the characters in the episode are happy sounds not right to me. In fact, it sounds like brain-washing to me. And by what you have written, if happiness is a drug you are already addicted from it.
Me and Arctofire have already explained why the whole episode of the CMC is one big mid finger towards both Lauren and the ones who want and it just can’t be called an evolution because deep down the character are always the same and so is their objective (albeit some small differences) so that the writers don’t have to put effort to evolve them. And for EQG I to had the same desire, but if I had to chose between staying in class and go through any kind of adventure with those Doug’s rejects I will chose the first. And there are much better stories out there to choose than EQG. For this season finale I can agree that there are far worst ones, but it’s far from be considered the savior of the show.
To me I find the Arctofire method of review perfect: it splits enjoyment (What you would call happiness) from quality because quality is important too.
In the end, the fandom. It’s funny how you talk well of it and you would be partly right on it. The problems with it arise when your opinions is different, that the episode did something wrong. In that case the so much loving fandom will show how much lovingly it is by bashing your opinion, arriving to the point of banning you to make sure that their favorite show doesn’t get taunted. Now, not everyone is like this, but a good portion it is and I speak both for personal experience than from what I heard from other “ex” bronies. To me this is not living in happiness , no, this is just like Starlight Glimmer utopia! Being in a fandom in which to get along you have to suppress your own thoughts is all the contrary of happiness and I will never bow to it.
That’s all I have to say.
Would it matter what I say in response?
I've established that this show makes me happy. I need no other reason to enjoy it, if I desire it. Quality is good, but it's not what made MLP special to me. If I focused solely on quality, I wouldn't even be a fan to begin with.
It's a similar reason why I still enjoy Sonic the Hedgehog despite how shitty a lot of his titles are. I like his older games, I loved Unleashed, and I like Generations. They reminded me of what I liked about Sonic in the first place: his speed and the ability to get through stages quickly.
But you are right.
You are so damn right.
It's so wrong how right you are about me.
I don't meant that you're wrong; I mean that the matter itself is so right that it is so damn wrong!
A lot of my research into psychology—particularly in regards to the Myers-Briggs Personality test, and specifically the INTJ—has revealed several startling truths. For one, I am by nature a living paradox. I am both the bitterest cynic my friends know, and the most starry-eyed idealist that teachers meet. To the common person, such a persona would be impossible to handle; yet I get by. This paradox reflects most notably in my writing. Opacare Prose is the bitter cynic; while Sweetie Belle is portrayed as this optimistic idealist.
From my own experience, though, such a persona makes it hard to enjoy anything simply for the sake of it. Truth is, I still remain somewhat of a pessimist, despite many claims on my part. And while I have mostly changed, that part still remains. It keeps me alive, and keeps my logic cold and sharp. That, I have learned, comes from the introverted and thinking parts of my personality. The rest of this "thing" that I call "myself" involves the intuitive and the judging parts. When I am made to evaluate something, be that a new video game or some difficult concept, I judge quickly and efficiently, using what I know, what I perceive, and what I can accurately guess. It's hard to explain exactly how I do this; it's intuition, really, at this point. After much consideration, I arrive to my conclusion, satisfied that I have made that result.
That's the idealist inside.
The cynic, meanwhile, holds still onto the idea that everything can be improved, and that nothing is immortal. Even with all the facts, I still believe in some other way of doing something. It may be impossible to imagine any sort of other method, but I still think it to be there. It is the same with my conclusions. Even when I am satisfied, I know there will be a time when I have to reevaluate them and reach newer and better conclusions. No one else in my real life friend group has to deal with so much reevaluation of themselves at maybe a moment's notice. Each new piece of information I receive is added to my bank of knowledge so that one day I can withdraw them and invest in a better idea.
That's the cynic inside.
This... paradoxical type of persona, is not easy. I can be overwhelmed by conflicting emotions. I suffer from frequent indecision in situations that require both ideological standpoints and cynical perceptions. I've spent years trying to find some sort of balance; and I have yet to find any.
Sometimes it is labelled a "Superiorty/Inferiority Complex," in that one can say they are right and know they are right, but never feel like they've evaluated enough.
It's called the INTJ curse for a reason.
The only real treatment for this is for me to continue on my way, gathering new "things" to add to "myself."
I am really tired of people, though, telling me I have to explain why I am happy. Because that is very, very hard for me to do. It is naturally hard for introverts to explain emotion in such a way that completely describes exactly how the emotion works for them. Emotion is different to the individual; and I've buried emotions before to know that they can be very hellish. It tires me, literally (I kid you not: introverts do get tired from excessive emotion), to keep explaining something that I don't even understand to people who understand it better than I do.
As I stated here, emotions are not my strongest function. And I get confused when they become involved. And I worry that when something strikes me emotionally, it's either because they spoke somehow on a level that resonated perfectly with me, or I am just a guy with an unpredictable pattern of emotional responses.
Now, back to what has been said. I am not happy because the characters are happy. I am happy because... I don't fucking know why.
I don't fucking know how!
How the hell a show about this crap made me happy is so confusing, and I cannot for the life of me use any of my previous arguments in life to explain why!
Every thought process prior to me being a brony falls apart when I feel this thing called happiness. My logic, the one I have honed, the one I have silenced entire rooms with, breaks down here!
And that is so fucking weird!
I can't explain why or how I feel this way. It just is. I tried to explain to myself why I was happy; it didn't work so well, and I got bored. I decided to let my intuition guide me, then, because I had little doubt it would be wrong. And so far, I think it's proven itself time and time again.
That's a fallacy if I've ever seen one, and that makes me mad! And intrigued! And angry that I cannot explain it in any way that would be satisfactory for me!
How odd, I swore I wrote something similar in a previous blog...
Do I suppress any of you or Artofire's ideas?
No.
I suppress mine.
I could write my own reviews. I could very easily bash on a lot of others on this site. In fact, I already have to a certain Lightning Sword. And though I wouldn't enjoy it, it would still be right in my head. I would have enough to justify what I do. I would have evidence. I would have proof as to why this is as it is.
But I don't.
Because unlike you, who may find joy in doing so (not bashing others, I mean reviewing), I cannot find anything worthwhile in doing that.
It's not what I wanted to do when I joined this fandom. There is little inkling for me to be this critical to this certain show. It satisfies and fills a deep hole in my soul, and that's all I've been asking for for years.
But I think of my love for this show as an extension of myself, not as something that defines who I am. I see the flaws; I see the mistakes. I see these things when I watch these episodes. There are so many things wrong with so many episodes I could point out, but I don't.
It's selfish and stupid; but I'm preserving my happiness. Not through illusion. Not through ignorantly blindly following this show. But by following my heart.
You know what I fear more about myself than my mind?
The power of my heart. It's underdeveloped, it's volatile, and it gets vibrant when the need arises. And it can go all dramatic and opera and compelling and rich and lively on you in a heartbeat.
I've been described as the coldest human. I've been called robotic, unfeeling. The truth is, I do feel, though to a less obvious extent. And this show punctures whatever walls I have around my emotions and lets them fly free.
Maybe that's why I like this show despite it's flaws. It presents to me an opportunity to express myself and my weak emotions.
But that doesn't answer everything, though, does it?
... do you know why I considered both you and Arctofire my first friends in the brony fandom? Despite me having some previous interactions with others on this site and in other places?
It's more than us all working on your story together.
It was what you had to say.
And it was what I felt afterwards.
You both were intelligent, and I am naturally drawn to that. I crave for contrasting opinions than mine. I yearn for more and more thoughts and ideas not my own so that I can come to my own conclusions. I found your blogs, and your ideas, and I listened and read; and I agreed to disagree. I actually managed to find intelligent conversation in a fandom that I had long considered unintelligent. I formulated opinions based on what you said and on what I concluded from my observations. I could not have been more intellectually satisfied.
Maybe it's something similar to how I view this show, then. Oh, certainly, it really has no direct correlation. But it may offer up somewhat of an explanation for why.
Maybe it's because I found a show that shattered my previous conceptions, challenged my thinking, and encouraged me to reconsider what I thought. Maybe it's because I found something new: something that changed the way I thought and also kept me from feeling down.
That makes no sense, but at this point, I have to take it.
It's funny and sad. I could tell you what I think is the meaning of life. I could explain in great detail why God is fallible. I could tell you how the universe will end, Multiverse Theory, black holes, and man's true purpose. I could explain what makes man great. I could explain a greater good. I could explain ethics, free will, equality, and so many different and difficult issues.
Yet I cannot find it in myself to explain why I am happy.
Even after all this rambling, this talk, these "fancy words," I am sorry.
I'm sorry that I just can't seem to get it right.
I'm sorry I can't seem to convey accurately what I feel.
If this seems at all frustrating towards you, it isn't. It's to me and my inability to do right by my words.
I'm a writer, for Pete's sake; I should be able to do this! I should be able to explain emotion just as much as I am able to convey it!
But I can't.
And I don't know why.
Is that your answer?
I hope not.
I hope that it's only a matter of time before I find the true answer to this why. I hope that eventually I'll be able to look back and reconsider everything and come to a sound conclusion.
I just don't know if or when that will happen.
So, once again, I'm sorry for not making enough sense to satisfy either one of us. Trust me on this, it sucks for me to. And if this changes anything in our relationship, let me take the blame, because it is entirely mine.
3593345 Okay, first off, I've noticed a major pattern with your recent posts. You go wildly off topic into deep philosophy and write the longest possible blog posts with loads of philosophical ramble. It has nothing to really do with what we were discussing.
I have no problem with you finding happiness from this show whatsoever. I'm thrilled you can enjoy it the way I can't, and I wouldn't want to take that away from you in any circumstance.
My issue is that you treat your happiness with an episode as critical evidence as to why an episode is good. You say you don't review, but you do, I would say just as much as me now since I've effectively retired from doing weekly reviews. For example, you wrote a review on the season 5 finale. Now I found that review to be incredibly flawed and quite frankly offensive to kids shows. Now I see you have used your ""happiness"" to cloud your judgement.
As I said before, your welcome to be happy about the show, but don't use how it makes you feel without reason, to defend an episode or modern FIM as a whole.
3593345 I'm sorry to hear hearing you having so much trouble. But if it of any comfort your not the only one with issues. Me as example: I love writing and my head has so many good ideas that could satisfy a lot of readers... and yet I'm a damn lazy ass into putting them down, getting distracted by the internet and all the things there in it. And I don't have any kind of links to get me someone to publish my stories into the world.
I wish I wasn't stuck on a simple job and spread my ideas about how the Darkness and Death are not evil things and can be as good as the Light and Life, creating characters which breaks the overly done clichè of the flawless and humble hero of the story, to be capable of showing how the tiranny of Fate and Destiny. I will try my damn best to make this dreams come true, whatever or not I will succeed or not I have to try.
But that's quite OT (Or should I say OB? Being a blog and all). We have our different ideas, I know that and it would be rude of me don't respect that. And it's nice that we can exchange our thoughts without having to insult each other. If more people where like you the fandom would be a better place.
3594188 That's a huge problem for me. I get distracted by these other tangents of thinking, so much so that I can't give a good review of anything. It's almost as if I worry more about adding an extra thought to the thought than I worry about giving an accurate review. Unfortunately, I have yet to figure out exactly how I can mellow out.
To that end, I think I'm not going to try to review anything of the show until I am satisfied in my ability to do so.