The Worst Fiction in Print · 1:38am Dec 3rd, 2015
First, allow me to lure you in with some delectable images of Pinkie Pie licking a ponut donut: 
Oopth! Gop thtuck. Noddin' to thpee herp! (Source)
Now that I have your attention, prepare for nausea. 
There are times I'm glad I'm not an aspiring fiction writer*, and discovering just how terrible a manuscript can be and still get published if you happen to be a stale 80's pop sensation is one of them. I give you Morrissey's debut novel.
How Soon Is Now? TOO BUCKING SOON.
This book is literally unreadable (and yes I know what 'literally' means). I can't even finish most of the snippets of it I've seen online, it's so atrocious. It's so bad it's good, then somehow gone all the way round to bad again. One of few quotes I can bear to reprint:
All quiet, all still in this decent and pleasant atmosphere of slumber and repose, where lush houses of beddy-bye shut-eye snoozled in sleepland; a smiling sleep of dreamland.
(Somepony actually wrote this. They probably edited. This is probably the best version.)
Most of the funniest quotes are too much even for me, and you've probably seen some of the detritus I'll pen. You can read a selection of them here, but beware to the faint of heart.
The reason I mention all this is that writing is an art, and art is a world of nepotism. If you want to be published, being famous and having connections is more important than being good at it. That's not to say you can't make a living at it being a nopony from nowhere; it's to say that it's much harder that way.
Anyway, the past couple of days I've been waylaid by recovery from sleeping pills. In the long term this will be a good thing, but for now it's making me useless for everything. I'll see if I can finally bust out that Moondancer fic this weekend.
* = I might not be so immune, regrettably. I am an aspiring nonfiction writer, and am starting to realize my path to publication may involve incorporating fiction into my writing as an allegorical approach to explaining my fancy mathematics.
I don't even know what to say.
I've read 'so bad it's good.' I've read 'so bad it's still bad.' I've written 'wat' and 'what the fuck is wrong with you' and peaches. Now I see what I should aspire to. And by 'aspire to,' I mean 'avoid.'
I am considering stealing bulbous salutation, though, because while this site has plenty of clopfics, it's sorely lacking in the tragicomic variety of clopfic. By which I mean, "Oh God, why?"
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In before "the otherwise central zone" becomes a tag on derpi.
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I'm trying to picture what part of the anatomy that is, and have decided I'd rather not know. It doesn't help that you've got the picture of the
canoodledcannulated cow over there on the right side of the screen and AJ chopping pumpkins and oh god everything is a metaphor for sex.Once upon a time, I photoshopped the cover of one of Morrissey's albums to read "Morrissey, you are everything I hope never to be."
This would be the third time in eleven years that image would have been appropriate to post, but I can't find it. :(
(#4 on that list is legit hilarious, though.)
Give it ten years and it'll be a masterpiece.
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...no
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Never underestimate the human capability to redefine crap as art.
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And when it happens, I'll be sitting on a throne made of peaches.
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Freshly picked or store bought?
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Freshly picked, of course. King of the world don't sit on canned peaches.
How can you be sure it isn't a literary masterpiece?
I think we have to give Morrissey some credit; what he wrote sounds more like Joyce, Pynchon, Faulkner, and various other literary luminaries than most books do, and that's probably what he was aiming for.
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Your argument falls on deaf eyes because I don't know any of those people.
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This is true. Wouldn't be very comfy.
As a former 'corpse hauler', I've seen some pretty messed up things. But after perusing that story... well, let's just say that the person I want to hit upside the head, is the one that looked at it and said "Yes, this is exactly what we are looking for! Let's use our publishing company to share this with the world!"
Up until now I drew my inspiration from a book called Enchanter http://www.ifwiki.org/index.php/Enchanter_%28novel%29 . Which was the worst piece of tripe I have ever read. I always said to myself if THIS... THIS can get published, then basically anything I pen, including my Thursday grocery list, will become a best seller.
Donuts. Lol. You're funny Trick! XD
This reminds me of the time me and my ex made a "cream-filled donut" together. Sure. Let's call it that.
Then she wanted me to eat it.
I didn't want to.
Then she shoved it in my mouth and forced me to eat it.
After that, you'd think that the lesson "no means no" would've been learned. Well... not entirely?
Despite all this, I'd like a Boston cream donut right now. You'd think I'd still be traumatized, but naaaaaaaaaah
In hindsight, it was disturbing but fun 
No, my eye wasn't twitching a second ago. What're you talking about?
Yeah, this is like some sort of incredibly awkward and embarrassing cautionary tale.
Oh. And yeah. The whole worst writer guy thing. The wholesale slaughter of the written English word can be considered art, yes? Like, comedy is totally art. They wouldn't have made a whole channel dedicated to it otherwise, right? :B
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Sounds like goths fucking in the graveyard.
...Aww fuck. I should've asked her if we could've done that back then. Dammit. I mean, with all the bull I had to put up with, eh?