It's been a long year.. · 4:02am Nov 17th, 2015
Just over a year ago I got out of jail. The worst three months I've ever dealt with. There were plenty of times I just wanted things to end.
I've had my fair share of depression throughout the years, but it would usually come and go in small waves, usually certain times of the year, or when things were really stressful. It's gotten worse over the past year. I've gone from having a great time for awhile weeks on end, everything is dandy, and randomly in the middle of the day, I feel like it wouldn't matter if I fell off a bridge or got hit by a car. Or I could be driving and suddenly wonder how great it would be for someone to crash into me and destroy everything.
There are days when I am up, around and doing something, and there are days where all I want to do is sit there and waste away.
I also think I'm having anxiety issues. I can be spacing out to worrying about everything in a heartbeat, or sitting around a campfire having a good time with friends and just clam up. Usually one of these episodes leads to a weeklong (or longer) bought of depression, and it sucks.
It's hard to try and figure out what is going on, and I have no idea how to fix it. I'm not even sure what entirely is going on, any more. I can't afford to seek help. I can hardly afford anything, really. Even with my new job, it will still take a long time to get bills caught up and all.
I remember joining here because I was stressed and this was a relaxing place to spend my time. And then I got more and more involved as I had one of my depression waves, and had so many people to talk to all the time and it really helped. I would write for my story and chat with my new friends and it would push away the reasons I was depressed during that time.
Then I had to move out. Had a fight with my grandma and all that, and spent some time living in my Jeep, and stopped communications. I could have found a way to keep in contact with most everyone, but I had myself in a dark place, I didn't really want to socialize with anyone. I don't know why I did it, but that was what I've missed most. Carrying on conversations all day long with a few people. After I returned, everything was different. Everyone I used to talk to all the time hardly talks, and some not at all. I can try to get ahold of someone and either have a short conversation that feels forced, or no response. There's only a couple people anymore that I can count on to be able to talk to a little. I don't always get a chance to say 'hey', but I would still respond if someone sent a message. There's a few times when I will randomly talk to the few, and there are the occasional times when I catch myself trying to talk to everyone that responds back when I'm getting into one of my depression swings and it helps a lot. There have also been a couple times where that was all that kept me going.
I don't remember where I was going with this, but its been a very long train wreck of a year, for a train wreck of a person...
wow, i honestly dont know what to say that could help you out, all i can do is offer you a conversation whenever you feel depressed.
im sure that anyone of your followers will be more than happy to keep you company even if throught a computer screen.
*hugs you tightly*
3547163 well, that's how I've kept in touch with most everyone. Though I've been using my phone. It just sucks that people that I considered great friends seem like strangers anymore, and can't have a combo with some of them. There are a few that I can still chat with, so that helps.
Man, that blows. Hope you come back at some point.