First Week Of School Madness · 12:15am Aug 29th, 2015
Wow. Wowie wow. So school started on Monday, and while I've been able to get glances of what's been going on through my mobile app and small windows where I actually got to take a break this week, I still don't think I've managed to actually do anything on the site other than make a comment or two. School's been hectic this week.
Alright, so first day, I was an idiot and I decided to wear the pair of high heels I had gotten over the summer. I thought they looked cute with my outfit, but I only wore them until seventh period and wore my backup flats for the rest of the day. God, my poor feet.
Anyway, getting past my stupidity for outfit choices, I went through each of my classes with apprehension and left with homework, despite it being the first day. Yep, this is what being a Junior's like, kids. Hang onto being a child while you can.
So, I've finally gotten into some new extracurricular activities and took up Yearbook and Photography along with Choir. Not only that, I've also managed to get put into U.S. Government, which is a Senior class. My poor counselor was talking to me yesterday when there was confusion about my schedule and when she saw my credits and classes, she took her glasses off and said to me, "Do you know how many classes you're taking right now?"
A lot. A lot of classes.
Madness indeed.
I'm retaking a psychology course that I failed because my tests and papers weren't submitted properly, a course over Christian fitness (because I'm going to a Christian college and everything has to do with Christianity), and a course over technological coding at one college, then I'm taking dual credit at school, not to mention my other classes that I have to keep up while doing all of this. I'm not freaking out, what are you talking about?
Asides from the obvious fact that I'm a bit overwhelmed by how much work I'm going to have to do this coming year, some other stuff has happened this week. I got into a bit of a spat with one of my friends over something stupid... Well, I wouldn't call it a spat because we didn't really fight, but she just did something that made me upset.
Alright, so rewind a bit: Wednesday night, I come home and I'm helping my mom with moving stuff around so that we can get a good idea of where to put everything when we bring in the carpet cleaning service. I find out there's been a mistake in the dual credit class I was going to be taking. My mom takes my schedule and she spends about an hour talking to the counselor at my school about it and I spend all night fretting over it because it feels like I don't have any control over my own schedule anymore. I don't know why, but it makes me really upset when people try to control things like that. I broke down the other day because my mom wanted to rearrange my room and while I was fine with what she wanted to do, it bothered me because it seemed like I didn't have any control over anything happening.
Anyway, the night goes on and I'm feeling down because I feel overwhelmed and it's late, so I go out to take the trash out. It gives me time to think and get my thoughts straight, plus I get some alone time. That is, until my brother comes out and starts talking to me, even though I was in no mood to have a chat.
Then, he starts talking to me about this weird psych eval he took in class and the questions were like this(I'll put my answers in below):
You're walking through the forest. Who are you walking with?
No one. All I have is my whistle in case I'm attacked. (Seriously, I wear that whistle everytime I leave the house by myself)
You walk through the woods and an animal comes across your path. What animal is it?
A bear. A big bear.
What do you do when you see this animal?
I don't do anything. It's huge and if I try to run, it'll kill me.
What does the animal do?
It just stares at me like I'm nothing.
The animal leaves and you continue on your journey. Suddenly, you come across a house in the middle of the woods. How big is this house? Is it fenced off?
The house is small, not too big. It's fenced off.
You go in the house and there's a table there. Is there anything on the table or anyone sitting around it?
There's food. Lots and lots of food. But no one is there.
You go out the back of the house and there's a body of water. Is it a pond, a lake, the sea, or something else?
Lake. Big lake.
Then, he explained to me what these questions meant. Whoever you walk into the woods with is supposed to be the most important person in your life, and since I said no one, it means that no one is that important to me. The animal you meet is supposed to be how big your problems in life are, and mine was a bear, meaning that they're big. How you approach the animal is shows if your violent or terrified about your problems. How the animal acts is supposed to represent how those problems affect you. How big the house you find is represents your ambitions and if it's fenced in, it means you're very closed off. What's on the table in the house shows how happy you are and if there any people there, they represent the people you want around. The body of water behind the house is how you view your problems and how possible you think it is to overcome them.
I felt depressed at these results.
Then, my brother told me what he got and then admitted some pretty heavy stuff, then made me promise not to tell anyone. I solemnly promised and I went through the rest of the night with my stomach hurting and my anxiety through the roof. He acted like nothing ever happened and went on the rest of the night fine, whereas I felt like I was going to throw up. I didn't get to go to bed until late, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I couldn't sleep with my anxiety gnawing at me like that.
Then, I woke up the next day (that being yesterday), less than four hours of sleep digging dark circles in my eyes. I went to school wearing sloppy clothes and feeling like crap, the night before making my vision gray. I ate a small breakfast at school and I went through the day feeling really down and just trudging through. Then, comes lunchtime and I get to see my friend, who sees and comments on the fact that I didn't get any sleep. Then, I tell her that I was feeling down and that I needed to talk to her, but she just kept ignoring me whenever someone would interrupt me. No one seemed to notice that I was trying to talk.
I spent a good while trying to get her attention multiple times, but she kept looking away from me and she'd just laugh at something that someone else said. Finally, I just stopped talking and she didn't even notice. We go through the lunch line and we sit down together, where she continues to ignore me and laugh and talk with everyone else. Someone finally notices how quiet I'm being and asks me what's wrong, to which my friend replies, "She didn't get enough sleep last night."
Finally, I felt my annoyance take control of me. "Yeah, and I tried to talk to you about it, you kept fucking ignoring me."
All she had to say was a casual, "Sorry. You know I'm a bad listener."
I didn't say anything for the rest of the meal and I went outside when I was done.
I sat down against the wall in the courtyard and tried to calm down, only to be approached by someone I hate with fiery passion. Now, I'm gonna give some background on this person: he sat at our lunch table outside with me and my friends every other day the year before (because of alternating class days and lunch periods) and the only reason he sat there was because no one wanted to sit with him because not only is he annoying, he's pretentious, racist, homophobic, transphobic, and takes delight in making people uncomfortable. At one point, he made a joke about molestation, and when a girl in the group voiced how that wasn't OK (she later revealed she was a victim of child molestation), he fucking laughed at her and grinned like he had won the jackpot. I swear to God, she almost started crying when it happened.
One time, he said that trans people were "fucked up" and would only be addressed as "shim" by him, thinking it was clever and cute. My friend snapped at him and told him that he should shut the hell up about things he didn't understand, but, like always, he just laughed. My friend had been very close with a trans individual and that person had to move from our school because he was being bullied so badly over it because of people like this asshole.
In other instances, whenever we were having conversations about music or songs we liked, he'd say things like, "Ugh, you guys don't get real music" and would talk about how he was starting his indie band and would talk about the most generic sounding lyrics while criticizing music artists by saying he "didn't understand what the point of the song was". He fucking wrote a song about how people marching with in gay pride were idiots and were going to hell for it. Oh, but that just touches the tip of the iceberg with this asshole.
Do you guys remember that classmate I had that passed away about two years ago around the holidays? If not, allow me to recap: she was a member of my choir and she was loved by everyone because she was genuinely kind and sweet. She was kind to me and she was just a great person to be around. She was never seen without a frown and she brought an air of positivity to everywhere she went. She was an angel on this earth, and while I don't like to believe that people die because God needs a new angel, I genuinely believe that she's up there doing things she couldn't achieve on this earth. She died weeks before Christmas of a brain aneurysm (at first it was rumored to be a brain tumor) and the holiday had a bitter taste without her there to experience it. I still can't think about the Messiah without thinking about she sang it with us concert night and how she was in the hospital the next. We held a tribute to her at the Spring Show and we had the memorial we made for her onstage as we sang the song she sang at the fall concert. Even people who didn't know her personally felt the loss of our choir family member and of the student body.
Well, let me tell you something about what this asshole did. We were discussing different things that scared us and how we didn't want to die (it was a hypothetical conversation of sorts) and someone brought up, "I'm worried that I'm going to have a stroke or heart attack or aneurysm because those can happen at anytime." It's an understandable fear as we all understood how it can happen to literally anybody.
Then, this motherfucker, with a grin and that creepy laugh that makes me want to scream, says, "You know, there was a girl that died of a brain aneurysm last year." He said it, like it was neat little fact, like it was a small joke, like it a fucking pun.
And I snapped.
"Yeah, I know, I was friends with her."
No one said anything. Finally, asshole looks at me and says, "Oh. Sorry."
I don't care if I was overreacting or not. I stood up, picked up my tray and said, "Yeah, you should be, you piece of shit." Then I left.
Yet, he still thinks that me and everyone else considers him a friend. So, he approached me, stood above me, and greeted me as usual.
Yeah, sure, it's not like you're a terrible person I don't want anything to do with.
I was already in a shitty mood, so I told him to go away. He took this as an invitation for him to sit down beside me and asked me what was wrong, and then I told him again to go away. He wouldn't move, then said he was just trying to be nice to me. Finally, I picked up my bag and I screamed, "I SAID GO AWAY!" He left soon after.
Makes sense that Sapphire is my birthstone.
So, basically, I spent my entire day not talking to my friend because I was still pissed at her and I had to worry about college work and everything and basically I was just very stressed out this week. She approached me this morning and told me she saw me walking home while she was driving and apparently she called my name out. Still pissed about yesterday, I said to her, "Sorry, I must not have heard you."
We haven't spoken ever since.
God, you know, I really hope the rest of the school year isn't like this. Because I gotta tell ya, that is not something I need to worry about right now.
Here, as payment for listening to me rant, here's a cute and funny gif of Elsa:
This is one of my favorite faces she makes, I swear to god.
Just do the best you can.
3354484
The best I can do right now is do my work without freaking out and try not to fart in the process. It's actually become an issue for me to not fart in class now, that's how bad it is.
(Pro-tip: If you're trying to cover up the sound of your fart, don't use a cough. Your cough will draw attention to you and everyone will know you just let one rip.)
3354490 Uh, that was surprisingly interesting.
3354498
That's me, trying to make light of the situation. That's me doing the best I can. Because I'm hilarious. (lol, no I'm not)
Sounds like you've had it rough recently. :ajunsure: Just make sure that you've got people you can talk to about this stuff if your friends aren't being cooperative.
Yeah, classes can be tough. It doesn't get better as far as difficulty and homework goes when you get to college either. But you do have a lot more free time to work with and you'll get your first real taste of control over your life. Just roll with the punches for now, you can do it.
High heels XD I remember that my mom complained about wearing them for a wedding reception and I asked what the big deal was. She then challenged me to try wearing them, so I wore them until we walked up to the reception doors. I now don't ever question why girls complain about how they hurt their feet!
And about your friend... That's tough, and a real shame. I'm not a huge churchgoer or believer in general, but I think that sometimes these things happen for a reason. You just have to not feel sorry for them and know that they're in a better place now. At least, that's how I view deaths of people close to me. Thankfully I haven't had too many, but all the same...
And that one guy sounds like an annoying Westborough Baptist member in the making -_- Not cool. I think you did the right thing with him. But people will be people and people will be stupid. He'll probably not get the message. Just keep on keeping on.
Talk about a loooooonnngg, 'productive' week.
I don't normally say this, but if I ever meet this sorry piece of filth guy... well I'm probably going to go to jail for a long time with the plans I have for him. I seriously have unhealthy thoughts about what I want to do to assholes with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
I have to say that about that guy, considering I am that guy in most groups (tries to be creepy disturbing get reactions out of people etc) that he might have actually been trying to help you out when he sat beside you.
However I might just be imprinting myself on him and assuming things.
Either way I wish you luck on the rest of your school year ( I don't start till after next week ) and wish I could provide some helpful advice or something but I havelittle experience dealing with these issues so hope you the best either way.
Have a happy pinkie