The Cynical Brony: Episode 21: "The Cutie Map Review" · 11:56pm Jul 26th, 2015
Hey guys, it's me. Sorry this one took so long, but I hope you enjoy! Just a quick note: I make several jokes about communism, but to my communist followers, please realize that they are directed at the tyrants who abused the system, not those who use it. I simply dislike the system, and this episode gave me plenty of opportunities to make such jabs. If it's any sort of consolation, I'll quite happily do the same to capitalism when I eventually review Rainbow Rocks. Anyways, without further ado, enjoy!
***
Hello, I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to! Well, season five premiered today-
Last week.
Wait, what?! It's been a week?! Jesus, okay, so you get a review of it!
***
Long ago, about twenty years to be precise, a young stallion gets off of the train. He carried his daughter on his back, his wife at his side as they strolled through the busy streets of Manehatten. The stallion had retired from his days as a politician to seek his dream of becoming a business owner. This had to be the correct path, right? The thing he’ll soon learn is that the world is cruel…
***
The episode starts at Twilight's castle, where it seems Spike is being more useless than usual and RD and Twilight are having an argument. Rainbow feels they should just accept the castle's sudden appearance whereas Twilight wants to study it. Hey, don't look a gift horse in the mouth!
Oh, come on! The joke was right there! As they jump onto their thrones, they start to light up... techno rave!
"I agree with Twilight, and Rarity, and Applejack, and Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie! Oh, and Spike."
Kiss-ass. Think for yourself, coward! Twilight whines for a bit before their chairs nuke Equestria.
No, instead a map appears! Behold our plot device for the season! Spike wakes up and-
"Is that new? I like it!"
Shut up, Spike. You know, this time I'll actually talk about the theme song. The theme song fucking sucks. It's nothing but screaming the name of the show into the microphone over and over except when it wants to give character exposition. The instrumental is nice though. Now, seeing as how I was fortunate enough to see it on the livestream, I can also release an extra episode that features me making fun of the commercials on display. Until then, see you when the episode starts again.
***
After a year, it was made apparent that an honest living in Manehatten is impossible. Whether it be the fashionista that ruins and steals from the competition, the comedian that's beaten down by his peers, or the business owner getting robbed by both the princess's taxes and rival companies. While the family could still remain afloat economically, it wouldn't be long until they went bankrupt. If he wanted his family to live a happy life, the stallion was going to have to make a difficult decision...
***
Oh hey, Larson's on this, so it has to be good! All the other episodes he's written were good. So, Spike is stomping around (Canterlot City like a big playground) the map, until he crushes Pinkie's rock farm underneath his foot. Little did he know that whatever happened on the map happened in real life... then their Cutie Marks start tingling before they fly off and hover over the map. They're hovering over... oh God. They're hovering over Stalliongrad. Damn that town... apparently it's calling the Mane 6 to investigate the town. You might want to bring back-up, like maybe the entire Royal Guard? Just maybe? Anyways, they get onto the Exposition Express and travel to travel to the town, and then it moonwalks away. Feel free to put any Micheal Jackson song here. They walk over a bridge, and BOOM! They're at the village. Because of course they can find it without a map on hand. 
That's it! That's the place on the map!
Really? Let's look at that map again.
What the Hell, Twilight? You can't see a town there! All you see are mountains! I've spotted a contradiction, so kindly shut the fuck up, Purple the Smart! Pinkie becomes Solid Snake for a minute, and they come across... what the Hell is the town called? I was joking when I called it Stalliongrad.
Wait... is it actually called Our Town? What a lazy name! Well, at least it isn't a horse pun. However, it's still not as good a name as Cyniville. Anyways, where were we? Oh yes, the Mane 6 acting like me talking about how the town looks. Speaking of that, the town looks like Phelous made it! It would match his boring, unfunny personality, at least. 
I don't like it! Not one bit!
Hey, she described my thoughts on Rainbow Falls! So, it seems that everyone in this town has the same cutie mark, an equal sign. We're supposed to know that they're the bad guys, not for stealing cutie marks, but by showing that they are linked to the second greatest evil in the universe... math!
An entire village with the same cutie mark? How can that be?
You see, everyone in the village sucked. Mother nature was feeling a bit overworked, so she just went, "Fuck it, you all have the same mark now!"
***
Joining the mafia hadn't been something Bright Tomorrow wanted to do, but it was necessary. In exchange for his services, the mafia gave him and his family money and protection. Luckily, he hadn't been told to kill or harm anyone yet. Just giving warnings to those in debt, writing threats and such. Despite the darkness of his part-time job, Bright finally got what he wanted: A simple life with his family safe. However, his greatest test was yet to come...
***
Party Favor: "Forgive my forwardness, but are you an Alicorn?"
... I think he's the first person to make note of this ever since she got those wings. I thought Alicorns were rare, but I guess all those red and black Alicorn OCs just made the species commonplace.
Party Favor: You've certainly come to the right place for friendship.
(Skip to 1:20)
Yeah, I hope I'm not the only one getting creeper vibes off that line PLUS him looking at their flanks. After a minutes, we meet Stalin Starlight Glimmer, who has a slightly brighter coat than the other village members. I'm sure that's not a plot-point. Anyways, she sings the communist hymn town theme, claiming that no-one is superior to anyone. *cough* Bullshit! *cough* Sorry, something was in my throat. Probably just my rotting liver.
Starlight: We were all lost once, blinded by the false promise of our cutie marks.
Hey, you finally said something that I agree with! My cutie mark damned me too, and that's one reason why I'm here as a villain rather than a hero. However, you're a crazy communist cultist, so you don't get points. Starlight goes on about how her society is perfect, blaw blaw blaw. The only route to perfection is through differences and individuality, NOT CRAZY CULTS. Glimmer continues to rant about how awesome and fantastic she is, basically going "Да здравствует звездный отблеск! 星光一线希望是惊人的!", and so on.
***
Fair Chance was starting to have suspicions about her husband. He was beginning to act secretively, avoiding questions, not making eye-contact, glancing around before leaving, something was certainly going on. Being a defense attorney, she had studied several truth spells for making sure that her clients were truly innocent. She decided that she's had enough of secrets, and was going to find out the truth. One way or another, Bright was going to face the music...
"I'm going to need you to be honest with me.", she said, glaring at Bright. She had stopped him before he had a chance to go wherever he goes after dark.
"W-what do you mean, Chance?" he said, trying to remain as calm looking as possible. On the inside, he was panicking. Her glare grew sterner and more full of rage after he said that.
"You know EXACTLY what I mean. Are you seeing other mares?" Silently casting her strongest truth spell, she didn't have to wait for the answer.
"Of course not! You know I'm not like that." he said, looking genuinely sad that she thought that.
After checking her other spell, Fair confirmed that it was indeed the truth, and smiled. "Thanks for being honest with me. But what do you do at night?" She couldn't help but notice that he flinched up at that. His eyes moving away from her gave her enough suspicion to use the spells again. "Well?"
Bright gulped, and felt compelled to be honest... but, being a politician, he found a loophole. "I'm doing extra jobs at night. It's how I've been earning the money." Of course, while this was indeed true, he didn't specify what type of jobs he had been doing.
"Oh Bright," she leaned over and hugged him. "I appreciate that, but you could have just told me."
"I didn't want you to be worried about me."
After they said goodbye, Bright left to do his jobs. Tonight was going to change him forever...
***
What in the name of Equestria IS THAT?!
It's called a pony, Rarity. They're quite common. No, she's actually talking about the tunics they're wearing. They aren't as good as my vest and cape, but come on, Rares! It's not like they're wearing pony skin! Oh wait... maybe that's what happened to those who didn't submit. Anyways, they sit down at a table, and-
Now girls! They may do things differently than we do, but that doesn't mean we have to be rude!
Being different in and of itself doesn't mean you have to be rude. BUT, this is coming from 2nd worst pony, so...
No, the reason to be rude is that they all keep staring at us!
That's fair enough in my book, coming from best pony and all. Then they meet Sugerbell... she makes muffins. Right, my attempts to find her are still unsuccessful... anyways! Right! She's confused that the Mane 6 don't hate each other because of their argument, where Applejack tries to put on an impression of my sarcasm. Sugar seems nervous after the cocaine pony, Double Diamond, looks at her, presumably because she wasn't doing the Smile HD grin. She demands that they come inside when they're done, leading to Rainbow saying this.
Okay, THAT was weird.
No shit! Next you'll be pointing out that the sky is blue, or that Pinkie likes sweets! Tell me something I don't know!
I'm partly color blind.
... Okay, I didn't know that. Thanks. Erm, moving on, Pinkie's forced to eat all those nasty-ass muffins, and they go down inside... to an ambush! No, I'm saving that clip for later. 
Why did you want us to come down here?
Sugar: So no-pony can see what's about to happen...
500 clopfics were born that day! Seriously, there is a seriously disturbing amount of clop and rape fics about this episode. No, turns out that they just wanted to ask some questions! And Twilight was about to blow them up with lasers. The Princess of Friendship, everyone!
Sugar: She wants us to be happy in our sameness.
And people wonder why others think there are parallels between cults and communism in this episode! Jokes aside, they reveal that there is a vault containing Fallout references their cutie marks, and the Mane 6 go to it! Well, at least five of them do. I think RD might have been replaced with an alien.
Starlight: How did the subject of the vault come up?
Well, some ponies were telling us how much they miss their cutie marks!
You're a fucking idiot, Pinks!
What was that, Bright? Does Pinkie need to cut someone?
W-what?! How do you know my- never mind! Nothing, Miss Pie! I'm sorry! Don't kill me!
Good Cynical!
Jesus Christ... anyways, Pinkie spills the beans, and Glimmer gets pissed! She sends her secret police minions after them, and NOW I can use the clip!
Twilight tries to fight back, but swiftly gets her ass kicked via the powers of LASERS! (Caution.) The others are also owned from the communist laser weapon.
Starlight: Now you'll spend the rest of your lives with us, learning just how much better it is without having cutie marks!
Sorry, you have equal signs. Math is never good.
***
The full moon shining through the window was the only light source in the dark chamber. It shown down on a mint-green unicorn, tears and blood staining her coat. On this night, Bright Tomorrow will kill a pony. Bright walks in with the boss of the mafia, Fate Writer. "Why'd you do it, Lyra? Why'd you sell me out?" Fate asked calmly, a small frown on his face.
"Y-y-you were going to... k-kill Bonbon... I couldn't let you hurt her-"
A loud smack echoed through the warehouse as Fate hit the sobbing mare. He grabbed her by the neck and slammed her against the wall using telekinesis, then throwing her to his hooves. "Bright, come here."
Tomorrow hesitantly and slowly walked towards the madman. "It's time to show me that you're truly capable of being in power. Kill her." He said, holding a revolver that shined in the moonlight. Fate had a slight smirk on his face as he waited for his pawn to take the gun.
"N-no! You're insane!" Bright shouted, causing Writer's smirk to turn into a cold, hateful frown and glare. He had always been afraid of the psychopath, but he was always too afraid to dare and wrong him. But this was a line he couldn't cross.
"You know Bright, your wife is a lovely person. It would be a shame if anything were to happen to her. Why, you'd be ruined, wouldn't you?" Seeing the shock on the rebel's face brought back Writer's smirk. As he handed Bright the gun, he took a few seconds to enjoy the pain and despair in Lyra's face before releasing its control.
"I'm so sorry..." was all Mr. B could say before he pulled the trigger.
Bang!
Fate Writer dropped dead, the bullet logged in his heart. As the blood poured out of his chest, it pooled at Bright's hooves. He had done it: He had shot a man in cold blood. At last, the blood stopped, and Bright put the gun in his pocket. Finally, the brown stallion turned to Lyra, who barely managed to keep her eyes open through all the pain.
"It'll be okay, I promise..." was all he said before turning and running away. Soon, police officers came and found Lyra... next to the dead body.
***
Part 2 begins with... the Mane 6 in a concentration camp. My God. "In Soviet Equestria, ponies brainwash YOU!" Erm, anyways, yeah. Prison camps... a constant source of humor... distraction!
Even tweets don't make sense anymore!
Did they ever, really? When Applecrack tries to kick down the door, she discovers that she can't... be southern? I know I've joked about her special talent simply being about her southern-ness, but I didn't mean it literally! Okay, so, let's count:
= Not a crazy bird lady
= Not Miss Perfect Princess = Emo McDarkness
= Yankee Scum
= Tack McNotaste
= Slow-Ass
Let's see how fast you are after I break your fucking-
SHIELD! SHIELD! SHIELD SPELL FOR FUCKING EVER!
*punch* Gah! You're lucky you have that shield! Otherwise, I'd be punching you into the SUN!
I'm sure you would. That's why I thank God I'm a unicorn that is far more intelligent than your puny, over-achieving, athletic mind. :)
Oh yeah? How much does it hurt when I do this? *knocks on shield repeatedly*
Gah! FUCK! That hurt like Hell! Damn sound reverberation...
Good to know! *knocks 25 more times*
GAAHD FUCKING DAMN IT! STOP! PLEASE!!!
Apologize for what you said about my friends and I!
Fine! I'm sorry!
... Whatever.
... You know... torturing your prisoner probably breaks some rule...
*knock-knock-knock*
FUCK!
... A-anyways, this goes on for presumably days until Twi comes up with a plan: Sacrifice Fluttershy. Yep, she basically pulls a Trojan Pony. See, I can be funny too!
That pun earned more knocks.
OH GOD PLEASE NO! Moving on, Glimmer attempts to invite them into the commie-cult-club once more, but they all refuse aside from the devil in disguise. Then Star forces her to reveal the rebel scum ponies who want their marks back, when Party... what was his name? Eh, forget it. Party Whatever says it was simply him. Also, apparently Glimmer is Atlas from Bioshock, based on her wording. How ironic. So, as Flutters is waltzing around the town, she moves in with Stalin Glimmer until her house is ready. Great, I can see the bizarre attempts to ship them already. At night, she preforms a reverse Santa Clause tactic that gets her outside to spy on our little cultist. Then it's revealed that, like so many communist dictators that push "equality", she doesn't actually do a thing about it herself and merely wanted control.
Starlight: Do any of you have anything you'd like to say?
They're about to leave until Fluttershy says
After an actually pretty clever gambit by Fluttershy and Twilight, she presents the water bucket!
It misses. but just enough of it splashes onto her to reveal her mark.
DD: You lied to us!
Starlight: So what? Everything else I said was true!
Every politician EVER in a nutshell. Well, Twilight attempts her usual friendship speech-
Holy shit! Objection overruled, Twi! 
She runs, with the entire town giving chase. After a bit, they crush Star under a ton of snow, and the Mane 6 get their marks back. After she gets out, she attempts to silence the criticizers... er, I mean, kill the rebels, until Twilight forms a shield spell THAT PROBABLY DOESN'T HURT WHEN IT'S KNOCKED ON! After another speech, she runs away, presumably sitting on Twilight's couch until the season finale. Overall, this was a great episode! I'm The Cynical Brony, and I review it so you don't have to!
Credits:
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is owned by Hasbro and Lauren Faust
"The Cutie Map/Cutie Markless" written by M.A Larson
USSR National Anthem is owned by The Red Army Choir
"USSR Tetris" by pigwiththefaceofaboy
Billy Madison
Futurama
Star Wars
Ace Attorney
Good review. Finally got to it, I see. ^_-
3272143 Thanks!
3272144 You are quite welcome. I can't wait to read you review on Princess Spike. Please tear that one part. I've been waiting for that day.
3272149 Princess Spike was just... AGGRESSIVELY meh. Like... I have never seen a more forgettable episode of this show.
In the meantime, great review! And the more I read your reviews, the more I realize that you're underselling yourself.
The only thing you've "stolen" from NC is the catchphrase and... reviewing stuff, I guess. You use a few gags that he uses a lot, but he certainly wasn't the first one, and the other stuff comes off as pretty original due to the fact that you're a different person with different interests and opinions. My advice? Drop the catchphrase. You're your own reviewer. Act like it.
3272224 I kind of feel 'meh' towards most of the CMC episodes. Don't get me wrong. They are great characters. But their quest to find a cutie mark after a while kind of wears thin. :/
3272224 Thanks!
As for the latter bit, while I certainly appreciate it, the reason why I say I'm a "Nostalgia Critic Rip-Off" is actually a reference to my early days, where Guardian and Friends said exactly that. At first I was offended, but after a while, I found a way to not only make it comical, but also use it as a sign of how far I've come as a reviewer.
Also, quick question: How many of my reviews have you read?
3272246 I'm still in more of a position than the neglectful sister/guardian, Haggity.
I actually do sleep with my computer near by. It helps me sleep, just turning on Netflix or something.
3272241 To me, it depends on the episode.
3272247 Four.
This one.
BronyCurious realizing it was just a phase. See what I did there?
Mare-Do-Well.
And... Buhuhuhhh... Cupcakes.
3272250
: Dude come on I'm no better and you praise me. What makes Rarity so different?
3272257 She's the worst example of unicorns.
3272255 Would you like me to link you to some of my other reviews?
3272264
: Nah. Starlight's totally that. SHE'S THE PERFECT STEREOTYPE FOR YOU!
3272264 Can't promise I'll get to them right away, but sure! I wish I could offer something in return, but I think you've SEEN my one video review.
3272250 When the CMC have an episode where they get sufficient character development, I like it. When it is a quest for a cutie mark...not so much.
3272276
Episode 12
Episode 16
Episode 9
Episode 17
Episode 18
Yeesh, you really have been taking your time on this review...
...Whether you've already seen it or not, I'll just leave this here:
41.media.tumblr.com/83715266083c09a4f6cc8f9a0457e321/tumblr_mrk0ayhkDy1st9xvjo3_500.png
I couldn't help but laugh throughout the last bit of your review.
*Knocks to the tune of "Shave and a Haircut - Two Bits."*
3272825 Yeah...
Well, the comic was pretty interesting.
I'm glad I made you laugh!
Did the rest of the review keep you as entertained?
FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
3272839
I'd say so.