Frippery- An unimportant post of madness. · 1:33pm Jul 27th, 2012

As one of you out there knows, and he knows who he is, I love to go for long periods without sleep. I can't recall when I last slept. My mind works like all others: sleep deprivation turns me stupid, a condition my editor and I refer to as "The 1am Stupids." I've never done a blog post that wasn't serious, so here you go. All the craziness I could think of in seven hours, minus about 99% of the content. Enjoy this nautilus.

http://pictureisunrelated.memebase.com/2012/07/03/wtf-photos-videos-cthulhus-been-at-it-again/

Thought Number One: Why do most videogames have sucky elemental balances?

Skyrim: Ice Atronach beats Fire Atronach, but is weak to non-Atronachian fire spells. Storm Atronach just hovers around and clobbers you. No weaknesses, no strengths. Is lightning middle ground or something?
Onimusha 3: Light, Fire, Thunder, Lightning, Wind, Air, Ice, Earth, and another Fire. Not one of these has elemental advantages, just one of four types of attacks. That sucked, because it would've been nice to have a type advantage against those Zmoh genma from Boulougne Zoo.
Kingdom Hearts: Again, Ice beats Fire beats Ice, and Lightning just bums around.

What every game needs to have is the eight elements from AdventureQuest., the RPG. You know, the eight elements, each with its own opposing force? Light beats Darkness beats Light. Same with Fire and Ice, Wind and Earth, and Water and Energy. We need more games to use that system. Although, the DragonFable one was nice too. Same deal, but also used variant elements (Silver, Metal, Good and Evil, etc.) and had a ninth base element: Bacon. The nine cosmic forces are Light, Darkness, Fire, Ice, Water, Energy, Earth, Wind, and Bacon.

Thought Number Two: Gigantic Ritz-Bits, or Fat-Person-Bait?

As anyone whose brain functions as poorly as mine does at night knows, Ritz-Bits are the greatest snack food ever made. They are a high-five with Lyra Heartstrings while playing polo on dolphins, except in the form of a crumbly cracker with some gritty "cheez," as I believe it must be legally designated as. Whatever, they're awesome. For dedicated fatties like myself, there are new, I think, Ritz Crackerfuls. Ritz-Bits submarine sandwiches. The calories have been quadrupled, but GOD am I satisfied. I think they're working with the fitness-centre people.

Thought Number Three: Door Etiquette.

I hold the door open. Over 90% of adults thank me politely. Around a third of all people my age do nothing. One girl told me to get out of her way, despite the fact I was behind the door. Thus, I propose installing a guard by every doorway. If someone holds it open and another person does not say thank you, they immediately get pushed out by the burly guard until they get it right. Trying to escape results in mild shocking.

Thought Number Four: My biggest question for the Ratchet and Clank series.

Why is there no plain and simple laser rifle? Why is there no weapon that, when you press the circle button, fires a big ol' blast of light? You always get: A machine-pistol/gun, a grenade launcher, a Suck-Cannon of some sort, a sniper rifle, and a transmogrifier gun. Why can't I just have a slow-firing, high-capacity, medium damage rifle?

Last Thought: Modern cartoons, and some less-modern ones too.

Regular Show, Adventure Time, Secret Mountain Fort Awesome, The Problem Solverz, Invader Zim, and Courage the Cowardly Dog. What do they lall have in common? Creepiness to an unnatural degree. Regular Show is the sanest, but all the supernatural occurrences and inappropriate jokes make me question the creator's cannabinoid receptor activity.
Adventure Time uses frequent Nightmare Faces, nonsense words, and some rather dark background knowledge (it's the sequel to a nuclear apocalypse) to ruin today's kids. Doesn't help that it must be for the criminally high. Proof? Go to YouTube and look up "Psychic Tandem War Elephant." You'll know it when you see it.
SMFA, it's just stupid. I only need one more line to prove it: One character is a walking mishmash of buttocks.
Problem Solverz- An internet article I wish I could find described it as "Lisa Frank on crack." Watch it and see.
Invader Zim was creepy... Vasquez hid single-frame images of a blood-soaked GIR in a few episodes. They were so brief, you probably can't see them. That's conspiracy-theory level weird.
Courage the Cowardly Dog was actually a nice show, except for three things:
1. "Retuuuuuurn the slaaaab..." Ramses' unique animation gave out nightmares at age 6.
2. The thespian-esque guy who became his stomach, or something like that. Also good nightmare fuel.
3. The girl with the violin. You know it's gonna be scary when a puppet won't show you its face.

Okay, I'll be more sane later. G'bye, or something.

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