New Reading: Ruin Value

Sending your way an audio reading of Titanium Dragon's work Ruin Value!
Link: https://youtu.be/JyF3uyJAPBs

Comments

[Fattymagee1]

New Reading: Neuropathic Pain in Nebraska

[TheDizzyDan]

4822132
If you start feeling better, you might write about your experiences to help make something good from them, at least.

[Fattymagee1]

4822136
But what if I die instead

[TheDizzyDan]

4822138
Well, you couldn't write about them.

[Fattymagee1]

4822246
Who’d want to read about my horrific experiences anyway.

[TheDizzyDan]

4822264
Somebody who wants to develop some perspective. I, for one, am deeply sorry that you suffer so much. Not only that, I reflect on how fortunate I am that I do not currently suffer so much, although I apprehend that I could very well be afflicted in the future.

[Fattymagee1]

4822282
Well, yesterday I actually sort of did write about my experiences in a post in a group here called Anti-Depression Ponies. I was feeling pretty lonesome and wanted any kind of support.

Here it is if you’re at all interested in what I’ve beeb through in recent times. I warn you it’s pretty depressing though.

[TheDizzyDan]

4822297
I appreciate you sharing this with me. I'm afraid I cannot read it all immediately, but I will get around to it sometime. Is there anything you would like to talk about? I could talk about myself, but I'm not the most interesting guy here.

[Fattymagee1]

4822762
You don't have to read it. As I said, it's quite depressing and it might change your opinion of me.

We can talk about whatever you like.

[TheDizzyDan]

4822765
Doubtful. You've been pretty forthcoming to me before. I have a lot of respect for you.

Well, I'm really not sure what to mention, which is why I asked. I'm kind of in a bad mood right now. One of the first things I said this morning was "fuck" in response to knowing that a person on here named Alcatraz joined a Discord server I'm in. The server belongs to Wish, a person I audio read for relatively recently. They talk about a lot of stuff I really don't care about and also exchange a lot of stuff in their NSFW chat about fetishes and erotic fanart for the show. I really feel like it's barely my place to even chime in during the times that the conversations there do at all become relevant to me because they all seem to pretty much know each other there.

Alcatraz has seen about 40% of the stories I've voiced for and seems to be one of those people who are kind of in the "in" crowd here on FimFiction, but I know next to nothing about them. I just found it insulting that circumstances should permit that this person join the server I'm that I feel I have the least merit to be in. It made me reflect upon how futile all my audio reading ventures seem to be at times.

Later on today, I discovered that I had overthought a part of a project that I spent literally half of my waking hours yesterday and the previous day trying to construct and rationalize. I felt indignant and also ineffective, as I so often do. The guy I normally meet after classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays without notice didn't show up today. I'm also a little flummoxed because the previously mentioned reflections on my audio reading actually made me feel like I should create something this weekend, but I realize that I have a trip to Carowinds (I believe) that I'll departing for tomorrow, so I must wait. Not that I'd rather audio read than go there, but I don't know if I'll feel so inclined to audio read by this time next week.

[TheDizzyDan]

4822765
The problem also is that they're always online when I'm at school, working on homework, or asleep.

Also, the one other active channel I belong to is increasingly inactive. I know for a fact that the members are elsewhere talking in other servers based off screenshots they mention from time to time. I feel like I'm genuine a pest when I'm trying to be social. I've often thought that if I were to meet someone who was an exact clone of myself (without me realizing, of course), I probably wouldn't be friends with my clone.

[TheDizzyDan]

4822765
I also feel really pathetic because I found out about Five Finger Death Punch through Pandora, and while a couple of the songs that have played so far I've really liked, I hate playing them because the lead singer's voice sounds almost exactly like what I wish my voice actually sounded like. I feel pathetic because I literally can't help but not enjoy the songs because I can't properly separate the fact that I hate what I actually sound like from the music itself.

[Fattymagee1]

4822880
:( I’m sorry about your recent woes. I’ll give you a proper response when I’m back on my computer.

[Fattymagee1]

4822837
Well thank you. I really appreciate that, Daniel. In these quite dark recent times for me, comments like that really mean a lot.

I've heard of that Alcatraz guy, and I know he's a clopfic writer. That's really unfortunate luck... perhaps there's another Discord server you could join? Please don't get too discouraged by this... you have core fans out there like myself and the dobermans and others who will always appreciate you and your readings. Though as far as finding places good places to discuss audio readings. unfortunately I'm not too familiar with that end of things, and I wish there was more I could do to help you out there. Just keep on truckin', my friend. Perseverance is usually rewarded.

Again I'm sorry, believe me I know school can be so frustrating sometimes. Did you ever find out why the guy never showed? Hey whether you audio read or not... even if it's not as many as you may like, just know there are some out there that would really like to see something new from you.

Like I said earlier, perhaps try to seek out a new Discord chat? And don't say that Daniel, you're not a pest. I've nothing but enjoyed our conversations in the couple of years I've known you now. I'm sorry you're feeling so down... if you never need someone to chat with about anything at all, I'm always here. :)

I've actually had similar feelings when listening to music in the past... I think maybe it's a small aspect of depression. Just feeling inferior about things... My advice would be to maybe avoid listening to music like that until you're feeling a bit better. Again I'm sorry you've felt really down lately, Daniel, and I hope you feel better soon. Just remember what you do have going for you... you seem to be doing well in school, you have a great internship this summer, and your future looks bright.

[TheDizzyDan]

4823439
Thanks for getting back to me. To let you know: I was at Carowinds this weekend, and it was really refreshing. I pretty much left all this behind, although I'm feeling pretty sour today because I was late to registering for single rooms for next year, and now I'm not guaranteed the room I want next year even though I have more credits than most people who will be here. I feel like a fucking turkey (def 4.b.).

Thing is, I know he's seen the stories I've voiced because he commented on them. I didn't know he was a clopfic writer, but that info doesn't surprise me, I guess. I don't know where I would unless I was talking directly with other audio readers, and the fact remains that I really don't feel comfortable approaching them if I haven't watched much of their content, which is literally everyone. I may have mentioned this before, but I don't care for listening to audio readings myself, and listening to them has the added effect now of me comparing myself with others. If I stack up well, they're often more popular, which makes me feel bad. If I don't, then I don't feel so bad, but if they aren't popular and I don't, I feel like I shouldn't doing this because I'm taking away from people who deserve the viewership more.

In addition, I could implore you to try to spread the word about my channel if you can, but I feel that I'd be using you just to network. I don't know what I could do for you in return.

I wish there was more I could do to help you out there. Just keep on truckin', my friend. Perseverance is usually rewarded.

The reward is not always timely or satisfactory. That's part of why I want to open up to voice commissions.

Did you ever find out why the guy never showed?

I might get to ask the guy tomorrow, but at this point, I don't need a reason.

Hey whether you audio read or not... even if it's not as many as you may like, just know there are some out there that would really like to see something new from you.

While that is a nice motivation as well as consolation to me, I'm not usually satisfied with that. I guess I'm just greedy.

Like I said earlier, perhaps try to seek out a new Discord chat? And don't say that Daniel, you're not a pest. I've nothing but enjoyed our conversations in the couple of years I've known you now.

With totally new people? I guess that is a means to an end if my issue was that I needed new people to interact with. I can't be sure sometimes, though. People can say that I'm not a bother but assert exactly the same as you do (although I don't doubt you as I would doubt a lot of people I know). If only I could bring myself to disregard things that I can't tell for certain.

Thanks for being here, FattyMagee.

My advice would be to maybe avoid listening to music like that until you're feeling a bit better.

I have been, although I've still been taking some shame from my avoidance.

I think what a lot of this ties back to is growing up with the echoes of "You're so exceptional" or "you can do anything" in my ears from so many people. I feel like handling all the important things is just what I should expect of myself. If I'm not doing anything beyond that, I'm not so exceptional. My greatest apprehension growing up has been that I will somehow prove all those people wrong and not fulfill my dreams.

you seem to be doing well in school, you have a great internship this summer, and your future looks bright.

Thank you. I would say that I am, for the most part, going where I had intended, although perhaps not as I wished. I am doing well. Just yesterday, my academic advisor mentioned to me via email that I was considered, among all the actuarial science students in my class, a candidate to apply for a scholarship available to just two people selected from about 13 schools. I'm apparently one of the top two in my class most meritorious, unless they notified someone before me who declined. Still, it's going to be some work to get everything together that I need in order to apply, and I might not even get any scholarships (only 6 scholarships will be awarded, distributed among the maximum 26 applicants).

At any rate, while I had a good time this weekend, it amounted to little more than a pause button on these things preoccupying me. Further, it was another illustration of the fact that the good breaks I tend to get often come with caveats.