Having one of those moments . . . [Rant] · 2:58am Jun 13th, 2015
I thought I was doing better, then . . . yeah.
My depression's gotten worse again and it's started to hurt my writing. You ever get the feeling where you just can't find the motivation to do anything? Well, that's me ninety-percent of the time. I hate to admit, but the only thing I do when I get home from work is write or draw maybe walk the dogs if I feel inspired.
I tried to do stuff this week, but it just didn't pan out. Once again, I was feeling awful, nearly fainting twice at work Tuesday. Urgh. I still can't believe I did that. Such a wimp . . . I slept for most of the day after that and most of the next day. I've hardly been able to stay awake actually.
Writing's been . . . well it's not been really. I got myself all excited thinking I'd write a bunch this weekend, work on Good Company, finish that TrenderDash fic, and maybe start AHL's sequel. Yeah, I tried and tried and tried. I can't do it and it's driving me mad! Every time I sit down to write one thing, I end up writing something that I shouldn't even be working on because it'll never get published or will only get published months from now. The only productive bit I've had this week has been writing some flashback scenes for Lesson One, and those don't even get used till like the middle of the novel. Urgh . . .
Then my only real chat buddy's been offline for a while because of internet connection issues. I totally understand, but that means I have almost no one to chat with, like at all. I occasionally chat to some girls a lot younger than me, but they're never interested in talking back and always act annoyed when I message them.
I have no woman my age to talk to, like at all. The only folks I regularly chat with are guys, which is great, but I want girl talk sometimes too. I don't have any friends in town right now, and the internet's pretty much the only place I feel like I can currently socialize on some level. Chatting on the internet also helps me get more confidence talking to strangers as I tend to be a little shy around folks I don't know.
I tried getting in contact with the two users who said they'd collab with me, but they never respond back and it's pissing me off. Am I that freakin' annoying that you don't have the common decency to reply to my messages? Geesh! That issue's actually been one of the worst for me as I really bad paranoia. I think it's part of my depression or something because it gets way worse off the meds. I constantly feel like people hate me, like all the time. Whenever someone doesn't message me back or ignores my chat greetings or doesn't want to talk, I feel like they hate me. It hurts, especially as I'm trying to be super polite and friendly and they never reciprocate. Am I not worth talking to? Do they all just make fun of me behind my back? I'm sure they think I'm annoying. It's stupid, but this is how I think and why I get so dang paranoid when I don't hear from people in a while or when they never answer me (be it internet or physical reality). It's not like I want everyone's approval. Heck, I don't care if you hate me. But I need to know. It eats me up inside when I don't and that fact is probably one of my biggest hurdles to making friends in any situation, internet or otherwise.
Okay, rant done. You may tell me how stupid and crazy I am now.
I'll try to write some, but every time I write in this state, things get DARK. It'll work fine for Lesson One, but might be a problem with stuff like An Honest Life. Let's just say, if I start stabbing characters, giving them cancer, or maiming them, you'll know why.
I'm coming down from both meth and heroin. So...yeah. If that makes you feel better by context of comparison, then I'll have been glad to have been of service. Could always be worse, you know.
Internet hug?
3143695 [Sniffles] Yeah, guess it could be a lot worse.
Okay. [Internet hug]
I know how you feel most of the people I talk to haven't reply to me for a good long while even my best friend on this site barely talks.....
here a little something to help you to feel better and may get ya writing again, lord knows it had helped me when I release those four chapters the other day
nothing betters then some good piano
3143708
farm6.staticflickr.com/5091/5523767654_b758a73ec1_b.jpg
Oops. I actually made it darker in here.
My bad. Let me try again:
How's that?
I wrote a really long rant to as a comment and when I hit, "Post comment" my browser crashed! X to the D!
But to sum it up, joke, I'm always here if you need someone to message and talk to, another joke, explains how I just want to make you happy by making jokes in a serious comment, rock on, ThePortalPonies, and one last joke.
So, yep.
Rock on!
-ThePortalPonies
--------------------------------------------------------------
ThePortalPonies: "ARA!!!!"
AraBrony: "What?!?!"
ThePortalPonies: "Have you been messing with the FIMfiction account!"
AraBrony: "No, I haven't used the account in months!
ThePortalPonies: "Then what in Luna's name just happened?!?"
AraBrony: "I don't know!?! I'm not a Celestia bucking wizard!"
ThePortalPonies: Groans. "You're in a mood aren't you?"
AraBrony: "Buck you!"
ThePortalPonies: "I rest my case."
AraBrony: Growls.
Maybe volunteering would be a good way to consume time and stay outwardly-focused?
Oh, I'm so terribly sorry that you're feeling so down
And what you said about worrying that people online hate you? You are very worth talking to. You are a very valuable, lovable child of God and if anyone thinks that you are stupid and not worth talking then they aren't worth talking to.
And if you want someone new to chat with, I don't mind if you shoot me a PM.
I'm a teenage girl if ya need someone to gossip to.
In all seriousness, for writing, just write a few hundred words every now in then. Reached 3,000 words in just a few days. It helps to take the pressure off of you if you're just writing a little bit each day. 500 words then you're done for that time. It even makes me go back to write more at times.
Everyone hates me on here so I know the feeling. I am not sure how old you are but I would talk to you. You and the others on here are the only ones who don't bully and harass me. It seems like I am probably the most hated person on here because I like stuff they don't this site isn't friendly the only reason I stay is because you guys. Well I am told everyone hates me because I like pinkie and I am always defending her when an author does a bad job writing her. And then people start attacking me triggering my anxeity causing me to start yelling at them and then they start making fun of me for getting upset when they were the one who made me that way in the first place. Triggering people isn't funny.
Misspelled sadness.
Probably not. But most people at some point or other in their lives have agreed to something and then after the fact have gone "Oh crap, what did I just agree to?" Then they hope it'll all blow over without a fuss. Then you come knocking, they don't want to do it but don't want to say it bluntly for fear of hurting someone or seeming like an ass so they lay off answering to a later date or until they find the perfect words. This is otherwise known as procrastination and can be a bitch. This goes on and on until they think it's all over.
Another cause could be that they looked at your message and they got distracted (planned outing, new chapter or cool program). They said they'd do it later and just plain forgot.
This is a horrible way to think and is likely never the case.
If they're not talking back even after repeated attempts then they probably don't love or hate you. They're probably indifferent. But how do they express that? Love or hate is easy, it's indifference we find hard to express in meaningful manner. It's hard to express that in a way that doesn't seem callous or cruel.
Can't help here. I lack certain properties.
Hope I helped. If not here's a mallet.
craftycrocodiles.co.uk/images/products/medium/1314981896-23184400.jpg
Go wild!
3143902 Thanks. ^^
3143722 Yeah, piano is a great way to relax, isn't it? I should try that!
3143925 Wonderful idea. You know, I might just do that. It would be nice to get out and about on occasion.
3144108 Thanks for the encouragement and I might just have to take you up on that author. Finding another Christian woman to talk to is . . . difficult around here to say the least. XD
3144389 Hmmm. Yeah, the writing in bits might help. I'll give it a go.
3145034
Well, I don't hate you. I get really excited when you comment on my stories actually. 
I'm like, "He knows Pinkie!" So, when you like my portrayal of Pinkie, I get crazy excited. Your logic on Pinkie is amazing, and I always enjoy reading your explanations as to why she is the way she is. And you're right, triggering people is no laughing matter! If I get my hooves on those people . . . 
3145272 Yeah, pulled that pic off of the internet. XD Spelling apparently wasn't that person's strong-point (not that it is mine either). Your words helped a bunch. Thanks for kind of smacking the sense back into me. He, he. I'm acting stupid about it I know . . .
3146203
I can understand, it's nice to know someone acknowledged what you said even if they don't reply. You always leave a like on the comments you have read even if you don't reply. Living up to the Christian ideal, not everyone shows that consideration.
3146203
I know you don't you are awesome that way. Aaww really? Thanks it's nice to know that my explanations about pinkie are liked. I just love how you write her like her reaction to cheesie accidently getting triggered reminds me of how my sister gets if someone hurts any of us that protective nature and being triggered is not fun at all that's true. People who think triggering people is funny needs to reevaluate their life and their morals.
3146203 I hope it will help you
Your rant reminds me of how I was freshman year at high school.
The shyness, trying to be internet buddies with people but they never reply, and then it gets down-right lonely and you want to slam your head against the door. But it gets better! If you take the advice of these lovely people I'm sure you'll meet new friends and feel better! 
btw did you see that new episode?? The 100th episode thing?? So much fan service and shipping fuel I just... I can't even! :D
3148280 Yeah, I'm hoping I'll get over this awkward phase around people.
[Squees] Yes! Sooo awesome. I love how Time Turner is like a pony version of Tesla. And Derpy was a sweetheart if there ever was one. Just gave me the warm fuzzies to see her care so much about Matilda and making things right. Then Gummy's monologue. XDD Priceless!