Bad Dragon’s review of: The Amulet of Marea · 7:15pm May 31st, 2015
This is a review of The Amulet of Marea by Kirb, Zephyr and Dana.
This story made it to the Fun in the Sun contest (for those that don't about it, I’m a judge of that contest) just before the deadline (which was already extended for nearly a month). I’m glad it did make it, because it would be a shame to lose such a potent entry.
I’ve read this story a couple of times and have a few things to say about it. This review is is the offered prize for the winner of the competition.
With almost 15k words, this story isn’t your regular clopfic. It’s a tale with suspense and action that is boosted by the clop in the second half of the story.
It starts on a relaxing note of Dash and Soarin coming to the pool to relax. Both characters are adequately introduced and so too is the easy going atmosphere.
As Daring Doo joins them in the water, one might expect that the fun will just keep increasing. With appearance of sinister figures on the scene the story takes more of an actiony turn. We do eventually get to see the extra fun section, however, the story makes the characters earn it first. That makes the enjoying part all the more sweeter.
The Fun in the Sun contest is one of the most specific ones, I’ve seen (and I stalk most of the contests on this site (you can always find the list of them here)). This story hits the markers more than any other entry, collecting even the bonuses.
The clop section feels a bit too ‘established’. It’s almost like they’ve done this sorts of things amongst themselves several times before (which isn’t the case). There are no reservations, shyness or mental restrictions. Sure, some of it be explained by the effects of the amulet, but I’d still think that clop would have a different significance than, say, a common friendly handshake.
The clop itself is quite decent. Not much complaints in this department.
All in all, it is a well rounded story that does most of the things right. There are just a few a few issues here and there. I’ll list some of them below.
Issues
The story lacks that final polish. Some sentences are awkward and they don’t flow as smooth as they could have on some instances. However, these issues are fairly minor and will assumingly get fixed in the future edits. Some details of the story itself could also be improved upon.
Story issues
The Equestria Springs Pool Club. Located near Cloudsdale,
Cloudsdale is a moving city. Not sure how the proximity works in this case. Does it just happen to be near or does it float with Cloudsdale also?
a club for ponies of a higher-up status
Being a Wonderbolt, he had intentionally disguised himself
Not sure if you need to disguise yourself if you are an elite person in the company of other elite folks. Also not sure if navy blue swim trunks can be considered a disguise.
Soarin was carrying two bags with him: his own, and Dash’s
Way to impress your idol, Dash. I bet you’d let Daring Doo carry all your bags, also?
as he had remembered her saving his pie during the Grand Galloping Gala and wanted to return the favor.
Never mind that Dash saved his life. The pie is the important bit here. Don’t forget the pie!
She then hugged Soarin tightly, pressing her breasts upon him. “Oh Soarin,
Soarin finally let go of Dash.
So, was Dash hugging Soarin or Soarin Dash?
“Let’s… let’s find a warmer part of the pool,” she suggested.
The temperature in different parts of the pool usually isn’t that different, you know?
The guests who knew how cold the water is weren’t happy.
Were they sprayed by it or were they just so emphatic toward Dash that jumped in the cold water?
“Dash… warn me when you’re about to do that!”
“Sorry! I didn’t think ponies would be so pissed at us!”
How are these two connected? Soarin needs a warning so that ponies wouldn’t be so pissed? Doesn’t make much sense to me...
Walking out from the shade of a large oak tree, a dirty yellow pegasus mare
Isn’t she going to make the pool dirty when she jumps in? One is supposed to come clean to the pool. Don’t be so mean, Daring. You’re gonna ruin the pool for everypony.
“Mind if I join?” the mare asked,
A bit rude, no, Daring? Not even saying hi to the pony that saved your hide?
“Ohoh, hey, squirt, don’t get to overjoyous,” Daring Doo said upon Rainbow’s reaction, immediately regretting her decision.
What decision would that be? Not saying hi?
I see my reputation precedes me
A reputation of being one of the Wonderbolts, Soarin? So, you are surprised that some ponies know who the members of Wonderbolts are or did you slay a monster attacking Equestria in the past?
“Soarin!” she snapped. “Her name is A.K. Yearling, thank you very much.” She turned back to Daring. “You still like to be called that, right?”
Dash, you snapped, but then you didn’t know how to call her yourself. And why are you thanking Soarin on behalf of Daring?
“It is my pseudonym, but I can go with that.”
So… what then? Daring Doo or A.K. Yearling? How do you want to be called, Daring?
Soarin had a tough time of keeping his wings from popping open right then and there. Thankfully, the coldness of the water helped him restrain his wingboner, as well as his other boner
How many boners does Soarin get in this story? This calls for a drinking game. On a second thought, maybe not. Anypony playing this game would die of alcohol poisoning...
“So, enjoying the club, I suppose
“Uh, yeah. Well, I’ve been here before, with the rest of the team.”
How does being here before relate to you enjoying now? Is this place boring you, Soarin?
I mean, I don’t know her, but there are friends and then there are ‘friends.’
Soarin, you’re deducing your suspicions based on her pronunciation of the word friend. What’s not knowing her got to do with it?
Her eyes scanned the place, obviously looking for someone. Her plan to have fun failed and now she had to go with the consequences.
What plan? She said she’s here for business. And consequences to what? Her jiggling her tits at Soarin?
“Is that because you are here or something else?”
“And what about you, little bird?”
Daring asks Rainbow a question, then immediately asks Soarin the same question. Did Rainbow forgot to answer her first question or is Daring being rude again?
very suspicious looking stallions walked into the club, looking like thugs.
Maybe they were thugs?
There were four thugs with Dr. Caballeron, all undoubtedly holding knives in their pockets.
Is this the author speculating? What was the indication that they do? Is it because all thugs carry knife? When you become a thug, you don’t get a diploma, you get a knife. Is that how this works?
Caballeron signaled to two of his henchmen to come with him as he followed Daring to the tree, while the other two left to guard other parts of the pool.
Why are they guarding the pool? I’m sure the pool wouldn’t run away even if they weren’t guarding it.
“That’s Dr. Caballeron. I’ve met him before, he’s bad news.” Dash shook her head. “I don’t like this. I think we should help her.”
Daring is making an exchange. How would you help with an exchange, Dash?
Soarin shook his head. “I don’t think we should. You heard what Daring told us!
Before the thug could react, Soarin swung right at his face, sending him backwards,
But Soarin. you just said… All the thug did was ask what’s today’s special was? Why are you so mean to the thug, Soarin?
Besides, look! His thugs are everywhere!”
Um, there’s just 4 of them…
“We can just take these to your bag and hide them there.”
Why would you want to hide Daring’s clothes, Dash? Are you afraid that the thugs might want to sniff at them or something?
You go watch over what’s happening by the tree, and meanwhile I’ll try to take out the henchponies.”
Why would you do that Soarin? If you want to help somepony with an exchange then attacking the other party is not the way to do it. When your grandma wants to get some money from the cash machine, do you start clubbing the machine with a baseball bat? That’s not helping your grandma!
casually and inconspicuously walking to the end of the pool, presumably to go to the locker room next
Why didn’t they all go to the locker room first? One usually does that before jumping in the pool. I guess they were just packing a towel, so the locker room wasn’t needed?
However, she instead stood facing the oak tree, listening to what was going on.
This is highly suspicious, Dash.Why did you even bother to be inconspicuous a second ago? This is like throwing a smoke grenade, then lighting a flare to mark your exact position.
“Besides, you would need much more to get a piece of these!” She grabbed her tits, groping them
Much more of what? More of his dick? You had seen his dick before, Daring. Oh, you slut, you.
The guests of the place noticed the henchponies and began hushed chatting about why are they there and what will they do. They weren’t happy to see these thugs in a place they paid specifically to not see the likes of them.
So, how did the thugs get in, anyway? They weren’t on the list, were they? I guess they just beat the shit out of the pervert pony at the entrance. Still, wouldn’t somepony call for a police or something like that?
However, her huge tits were rendering her into a forced kneeling, just so she could rest her spine,
So, the spine is resting if one kneels? I didn’t know that. Or were the tits so huge that she could rest them on the ground just by kneeling? The tits must have been almost bigger than she was...
“Now give me the Amulet and you can have your gold!” she angrily hissed, knowing her friend’s way of thinking.
Caballeron’s face dropped slightly. “Not falling for any old tricks, I see.” He sighed. “Fine, here you go.”
Caballeron’s old tricks or Daring old tricks? What were those tricks in place that she wasn’t falling for?
failed to lift off.
Since she hadn’t dried herself, she couldn’t fly
When did you loose all your incredible foresight, Daring? If this was your plan then why did you even go into the pool, in the first place? You seem to be getting to old for this, Daring.
“Oh, for the love of…” she angrily whispered, trying to shake her wings dry, momentarily forgetting about her surroundings.
When did you loose all your incredible observation skills, Daring? Maybe you should stop thinking with your boobs and start using your brain, for a change?
Soarin wiped his hands off
The thug he punched must have been really dirty. “I touched a thug!” 
“Eww!” 
“Sorry about that. Wonderbolt business.”
The patrons immediately returned to what they were doing.
Really? These are the most apathetic bunch of ponies I’ve ever seen. Two guys get knocked out in front of them and they’re just like “I say, my good fella, can you pass me another cube of sugar for my tee, please? My, a lovely weather we’re having today, ey?”
Dash glared at Caballeron and his thugs. “Oh this has gone too far!”
How can you say this? Caballeron and the thugs are just making an exchange. You guys are the ones attacking them for no reason!
If only she wouldn't have to face the other thugs.
Well, Daring didn’t have to face them. 3 out of 4 were down, already.
realizing that she will need the knife to avoid the thugs
How does having a knife help you avoid the thugs? Maybe this explains the gun culture in America. Did you pack your guns today, kids? Guns will help you avoid any potential trouble. The world you see is only a beautiful illusion, kept up by weapons in your pockets. If you forget to take a gun with you, the gun-powered shroud will crumble and you will no longer be able to avoid monsters that inhabit this world.
Dash punched the thug in the face, then made a run for the money. No way are these thugs gonna rip off my heroine!
By what logic, Dash? Daring has the Amulet. It’s only fair that Caballeron takes the money. It was all agreed upon beforehoof. Why are you ruining the trade, Dash?
. “Cabby, you bastard! Tell them to stop and I may not cut off your nutsack!”
One thug was trying to eat in peace and the other one was gazing at Rainbow’s ass. They didn’t start anything! All you had to do is leave them alone...
“He tried to trick me.” Daring flicked the knife around her fingers. “
How, Daring? Caballeron just wanted to count the gold as was agreed upon. Ugh! 
I feel really bad for Caballeron now. Why do you 3 ponies have to be so mean to him? He just wanted to make a trade.
Cheaters get nothing. I keep the Amulet and the money
You’re the cheater, Daring...
You had your chance, Caballeron
No, Caballeron really didn’t. Neither of you 3 bullies gave him any chance. You just attacked...
Tell them to stop and I may not cut off your nutsack!”
Now get out of my sight before I actually castrate you
Oh, so Daring wasn’t serious about it before? Too bad Caballeron already called them off. She was apparently just kidding the first time.
were shocked, not believing their eyes.
The observers weren’t shocked when two thugs got knocked out. However, when two more get knocked out, they suddenly can’t believe it anymore? How dense are they?
I already paid for my prize here, so what do you say? A fair share?
No, Daring, You did not pay anything! You just stole it all!
This is the Amulet of Marea.Made by an ancient and forgotten jungle-dweller tribe of pegasi who worshipped the Old Gods. Namely, they worshipped Marea, the Goddess of Fertility and Life.
How are they forgotten if you know so much about them, Daring?
This little baby here worth about two and a half thousand more than these bits, heheh
Who’s the cheater now, Daring? The trade would be a bad one for Caballeron even if you didn’t rob him.
Daring saw this too. “Oh, are you… are you seriously having a wingboner, sweetheart?” she asked with a pair of raised eyebrows, her smirk turning into a full-blown smile. “Oh-hahaha, this is just too nice! How old are you, little birdy?” She shook her head; if it wasn’t obvious, she was a mature mare, older than Dash and Soarin.
What’s age got to do with it? Daring knows that Soarin isn’t a foal, right? Why is she asking about his age? He’s well over the age of boner. How is this not obvious?
“So Daring, what are you gonna do with this? Put it in a museum, or keep it for personal worth?”
I suppose I could keep it for the bad times.
Daring, Why are you so corrupted? You were supposed to be the good mare here.
“So don’t worry about it. Though if this is all true, then it might have some effect on us.”
Soarin sighed in relief. “Phew!
Soarin, did you even listen? Daring just said that the amulet might have some effect on you, and you’re just sighing in relief?
“Here, Soarin. Hold this radioactive rod for a while. It will cause you cancer.”
“Phew! Thanks.”
But does this mean the legends are true?”
“As it appears, they are. Which means that…” Daring looked at Soarin. “Hey birdy, catch!” she warned him and threw the Amulet to him.
Not sure if the curse is real. Let’s test it on Soarin. He’s just in danger of being permanently affected by it, that’s all. No moral dilemma here, ey, Daring?
he leaped up into the air, flying straight up at the fastest speed he could go; he was a Wonderbolt, after all.
So, only Wonderbolts can fly at the fastest speed? No other pegasus can fly at the fastest speed that they can go?
His wings were really stiff, and occasionally twitching. He did not expect this to happen.
How did he not expect his wing boner? It’s happened at least 5 times in the last 10 minutes. There’s a pattern here, Soarin! Can’t you see it? If you look at boobs, you will get a wingboner. How much more evidence for this thesis do you still need?
Uh, remind me to wear condoms if I ever get to do it with you or Dash, then… he thought.
Who is Soaring thinking this to? If he’s thinking this to Daring, it won’t actually lead to Daring reminding him. If you want somepony to remind you of something, you don’t think it, you say it. Or is he saying this to himself in second person? Multiple personality disorder, Soarin?
“Little bird, have I ever told you the time when I had the luck to meet a bush monster with tentacles? It spared me from my gag reflex!”
How do you spare somepony from a gag reflex? By not raping them in the mouth, maybe? So, the bush monster didn’t shove its tentacles down Daring’s mouth? Bummer...
, Dash made a suggestion. “Guys… let’s take this to my bedroom.” She wanted to experiment with some things.
What things? Toys? Don’t promise toys, Dash, if you’re not going to deliver.
Grammar issues
The Amulet of Marea
Amulets are usually hung around one’s neck. This story, however, describes it more like a figurine. The usage of the word ‘amulet’ is debatable, so this is not a case and point mistake, but just something for the author to consider. A different word or a different description could solve this.
they meet an old friend of Dash’s who is on a mission to apprehend an ancient artifact.
Dash’s old friend or an old friend of Dash.
Also, one usually apprehends people, not objects.
She was awakened much earlier than she usually did
She was awakened much earlier than she usually was
or
She awoke much earlier than she usually did
She didn’t mind having to sign autographs: after all, it would mean she was famous, and she didn’t mind that at all!
She didn’t mind signing autographs because she didn’t mind being famous? Surely there is a better way to form this sentence.
I’m pretty sure that she would still remain famous, even if she wouldn’t sign any autographs.
Soarin was carrying two bags with him: his own, and Dash’s. He looked inside.
When you write it like that, readers will think that Soarin looked in the Dash’s bag.
Dash looked inside
Everypony seems to want to look inside. Repeating it like that isn’t the best way to go about it. They’re going to go inside anyway. It’s not like it’s a secret or something.
It was a rather hot day, so she was ready and prepared for anything cold
How about anxious for anything cold?
And returned to read his magazine.
Continued, proceeded,...
stretching them now that they were
Usually, you’d want to avoid words like ‘now’ in past tense.
his wings got slightly tenser, but he managed to hold it in
What is ‘it’? His wing, his dick or his hornyness?
A few of them recognized Soarin, a few of them knew about Dash, but most of them was just ogling at Dash, as expected.
ogling - Look at with amorous intentions
I guess most of them were horny males and lesbians, as only a few of them knew about Dash. Also, the correct way to write this is ‘were just ogling’ not ‘was just ogling’. Plural!
Once they finally got to that part of the pool,
Once they finally got to the warm part of the pool,
Her eyes grew really wide with recognition.
Her eyes grew wide with recognition.
Don’t use really for emphases. Really!
This also gave to her cutie mark,
What did the cutie mark get from something being given to it?
she asked from Soarin
she asked Soarin
For a few seconds Daring could only gaze at and stare the Amulet.
stare at the Amulet.
And gaze and stare mean practically the same thing. I don’t think you need to have both.
opened her wings
spread her wings
much powerful blow
very powerful blow
Caballeron clenched his teeth together
Caballeron clenched his teeth
This little baby here worth about two and a half thousand more than these bits
This little baby here is worth about two and a half thousand more than these bits
Soarin returned at around that time, carrying two drinks, a plate with a sandwich, and a slice of pie. How did he carry all that? Well, wings can be very helpful.
It might not be wrong, I’m just not used to being asked questions by a narrator.
“Hmm…” Daring hummed, thinking about it for a few seconds. “...well, I know for fact that the material changes are indeed permanent, so these babies won’t go away.”
I know for a fact that the physiological changes are, indeed, permanent
“(pant pant) So… so much better than masturbating…” He gasped for breath.
You could just say that he was panting instead of ‘(pant pant)’, you know?
I hope you found this review helpful and enjoyable.
If anypony has anything to add, the comment section is always open.
This was quite informative, Bad Dragon, I hope Kirb will integrate it in the fixed version. Pointing out the problems is still the best way to get rid of them, even if some people get offended in the process.
All I have to say, considering that I only ran through the review and didn't actually read it closely, is that almost all of the problems are coming from two trivial reasons.
First is that the story is an actual role play, made with using the Skype, a cooperation of 3 people. Also, one of us new to the whole concept of role play, too.
The other thing is about the grammar issues: I'm not a native English speaker, therefore I make mistakes every once in a while. I can't say anything about Kirb and Dana, they have no excuses.
The story was preread by two different proofreaders and a former English teacher, so it should have been free of the grammar mistakes...
But anyway, I'm glad we have this, and that we won!
Thank you for making the review and have a nice day! Cheers!
-Zeph
Thanks for the review. I see a lot of things I didn't catch. Well, in my defense, it's hard to proofread a story that had three writers with conflicting writing styles, one of whom only speaks English as a second language. But yeah, thanks for the tips. I'll keep those in mind for future fics. I would edit these suggestions in, but I'm guessing it's against the contest rules.
Again, thanks!
-Kirb.
3113044 I'm glad you liked it. I was trying to do it in a way that would make me happy. I'm like
everytime I fix an error in my story.
And don't worry about the English being your second language. It's my second language, also. Sure, you may not be able to go 'by ear' at times, but at the same time you can use the grammatical rules without getting distracted with a whole life's worth of brainwashing about what English is, with some of the established usage being straight wrong. We have the rules of grammar. That's basically all you'll ever need; you just have to take the time to learn them.
3113161 It's most definitely not against the rules. In fact, such practice is encouraged. Hell, I even edit my forum threads if I see a grammatical mistake in them. Even if they are more than two years old.
You may not think it now, but your story will be up on the internet for decades. Are you willing to hurt thousands of readers with bad grammar? Will you be able to live with yourself, knowing that every day a reader gets hurt by mistakes in your story?
uboachan.net/mado/src/1336662154171.jpg
For the good of the world and future generations, your story needs to get fixed. I know it's an effort, but you will be able to stand proud, knowing that you were man enough to rise to the occasion and make it all better. You will be able to say to some pony, "Read this," while wearing a smile that will not be mischievous. You owe it to the future readers. You owe it to yourself. Fix it, please.
3113195 I will do it when I can. Though certain parts are harder to fix than others. Especially a lot of the parts involving Caballeron; I had written it so that he was cheating on the transaction, but it wound up coming out that the henchponies moved without Cabby's approval and wanted to take the money AND keep the amulet. I'd have to rewrite a lot of that.
Still, thanks. As I said, I'll do it when I can. Right now, I need to heal from being stung by tons of hornets. (No, seriously.)
-Kirb.
3115461 It's a long story, so it's reasonable to assume that it will take some time and dedication. Even if you end up fixing just the easy fixable errors, it's better than nothing. There is no rush, as long as your intentions are there. When you die in the future, there's a good chance that your story will still be on the internet. Would you be able to live with yourself, knowing that you're hurting people even after your death? Editing can make it all better.
As for the cheating goes, an easy fix would be that Caballeron states his intentions of cheating after Daring Doo fails to fly off. That's when villains usually reveal their evil plans. It's cliche, but then again, what isn't cliche this days?
Oh, and a pro-tip: If you provoke hornets, they may provoke you back. I hope you heal alright.
3115628 To be fair, in my case it was just that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. See, some hornets had built a nest on the side of our house, on the bottom of the roof above our front door. When I stepped outside and shut the front door, the force was enough to dislodge it and send it crashing down in front of me. Of course, I was the nearest target, so I was instantly attacked. Yeah.
I'll get to it when I can. Right now, I'm in the process of posting my newest story, The Best of Both Worlds.
-Kirb.