a look into my mind · 9:47pm Jul 18th, 2012
The following is an excerpt from a Skype conversation I had earlier today. Please understand that while this was directed to some of my close friends, the points I make in my rant still stand for every one of you who has chosen to follow and support me.
I didn't draw this because someone wanted me to. I made it as an expression of how I feel right now. I feel alone and overwhelmed by sorrow despite being surrounded by my friends. I will miss you all, and I know that you say you will miss me, but I sometimes wonder how quickly I'll be forgotten. the tears in the picture are a reflection of the ones coursing down my face right now. Ironically, they only fall from one eye. Even now, when pouring out my feelings, I cannot fully drop my mask...
I wish that there was some way you guys could help me, but I see no path out of this mess I've gotten myself into. I am so happy to go on my mission, but deep in my heart, a nagging doubt eats away. Will you guys still be here when I get back? Even if you are, will I want to return to you? I don't know, and that scares me.
You have all helped me so much in the last few months. Encouraging me and inspiring me to do things that would have beyond my grasp on my own. However, despite all of the encouragement and advancement, I am still only mediocre at all that I do. I'm good at drawing, but not THAT good. I'm good at writing, but not THAT good. I'm good at singing, but not THAT good. I am a jack of all trades, but a master of none. I feel the pain of the CMC. I have no way of knowing what I will do with my life. What truely makes me unique and what drives me to succeed in life. I have faith that I will discover my purpose on my mission, as that blessing has been promised me by revalation. While I know that I will eventually have my answer, I still worry for all of you. Some of you have a purpose or some driving force behind you, but for others... I pray that you will find your goal soon.
I'm sorry for writing up this huge wall of text, but I have tried to talk about this for the past few days and every time I bring up anything that is of importance to me, I find it brushed off to the side in favor of a more entertaining topic. Normally I wouldn't mind. I am patient and can wait for others to resolve their issues before airing mine out. However, I have untill 7 pm on Monday evening. After that, I will be cut off from you guys for the next two years... I have set up a tumblr so that you could easily keep in touch with me, but only [GlassedGamer] has chosen to follow it. Why? Why do you choose to forget me before I have even left?
I'm sorry for taking up so much space in here, and I'm sorry for making everything so dramatic, but I am going to have to go offline for a few minutes untill I can stop crying. I will miss you all dearly and will pray for you every day even after I get back.
The tumblr to which I refer is at eldernoe.tumblr.com. The support you have all given me, be it verbal or otherwise, has been a constant source of strength for me over these past months. Thank you again for everything you have done for me. I will do everything in my power to finish the story before I leave. I want to leave you all with one last smile before I go...
You have a Tumblr for when your in LA? I didn't know this! Did I miss a blog or something?
I will miss you, mang. I'll follow your tumblr, but first i have to make one :)
and dude, that entry was so sad D:
i assure you i will still be here in 2 years.
i just hope you have a good time, and lots of luck on your mission.
I can't honestly say I will remember but I can try.
I have awful memories.
I barely remember all of my old classmates. Neither can I remember if and what I had for breakfast yesterday.
Neither can I say that in two years time that I still follow the brony community as I do now.
But if I do still find myself here and you get back then I will gladly say "Welcome back. Had a good trip?"
But for now I hope you have a good week and then a good two years.
I feel for you Isaac, I really do. This is a huge thing you're taking on, going on a 2 year mission. The longest I've been on a mission trip was a week and by the end of that I had already started yearning to be back home. I can only imagine what 2 years would feel like. You say you wonder how quickly you'll be forgotten. False I say. You have made yourself known to us, you've connected with us, you've exposed yourself, your feelings, and your worries to us. As small as that bond may be and regardless of the distance between you and any of us, a friend is a friend is a friend. That friendship has been forged with, dare I say it, magic. It is not about to break. People say that an elephant never forgets? Well, there is a little elephant in all of us.
Winnie the Pooh actually summed it up pretty well: “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you.”
You say "Will you guys still be here when I get back? Even if you are, will I want to return to you? I don't know, and that scares me." You're going for 2 years, things will change, people and yourself will change. Sadly, this is an unavoidable event of life. We don't know what will happen between now and then. However, I can say with nigh 100% certainty that I will be here when you return and dang it son, when that day comes, there WILL be a party. I will pull a Pinkie Pie and whether you want to return to us or not you will be greeted with huzzahs and lots of hugz!
As for your purpose? God's got great things in store for you Isaac. Never doubt it. We all experience that doubt and that line of questioning of if we'll ever really get our cutie marks but never-the-less, it will happen and it'll be worth the wait.
Hearing that you feel brushed off really saddens me.
I know what it feels like when no one seems to listen to you, it's no fun at all. But know that no matter what, there will always be someone who will drop everything to listen to your concerns. And if there's no one around you that'll listen, pray. Guaranteed, God will be there for you 100% of the time. You may feel isolated, even in the crowd, but you are never on your own.
"...and I'm sorry for making everything so dramatic,..." This is nothing to be sorry for. We all need a small bit of drama in our lives, no one can go with their emotions all bottled up forever. You need to let them out now and then. This is what friends are for: they are there for you when you can't take it any more and explode, and they are there to help you pick yourself back up and get you back on your feet.
And as far as the tumblr is concerned, this is the first I've heard of it. I shall now proceed to create my account and then follow your tumblr.
I will end this and leave you with a Bible verse.
Keep strong and pony on. God bless you, Isaac.
Sincerely,
Michael Neilson a.k.a. uT.TerAbsurdity
P.S.: I have been and will continue to pray for you every day.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. ...Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Deuteronomy 31:6, 8
I promise I'll still be here. Even if the fandom's died out by then (God help us if it has), I'll be here to read whatever you write.
Also, I'm following that tumblr now. Had I known about it earlier, I would have followed you as soon as you put it up.
-SoI
Isaac, think of it logically.
I don't want to sound mean, but, yes, some will forget about you for these two years you'll be away. But that's what people are like, and no one cannot do much over it, it's part of our nature.
But know that there's people like Kasper and uT.TerAbsurdity that want to remember you.
Try to remember that, and look forward to the future.
This is cliche thing to say; but it never hurts to try and think futue in bright light.
-Hydkore-
I've got the day marked down, I look forward to you coming back.