May
1st
2015
Well, I suppose this was to be expected... · 3:49pm May 1st, 2015
So, the next chapter of The Nautilus Protocol is ready, but it has problems.
Actually, Its been ready for several months now, but when I went back to it, I couldn't help but feel that it is complete crap, though I'm currently too tired to spot why that is.
I know that this chapter is going to make a lot of you unfollow me and downvote this story, but I just can't figure out what I'm doing wrong here. Please, if you want to take a crack at it, and you're not going to instantly hate me for it, you can find it here:
Next Chapter of The Nautilus Protocol.
Password is havokcells
Please, be gentle.
I would like to help you but.... well.... This story has been in m y read later list since I found it back in Decemberish 2013.
I keep planning to get to it, but then I go and add a bunch of other stories into my list and it gets pushed farther back with a bunch of others. One of these days I will finally get to it (and all the others in my read later list), though I don't think it will be in time to assist you looking at this one.
Yaranaika.
Read the chapter. It's just a huge hunk of background, not a problem itself beyond being dry.
This history you've created is causing such problems because of how poorly it integrates with the rest of the story. It began as Twilight's escape, which introduced us to the galactic war and flowed well into it. But this Tyranny/Freedom thing expands that to this Changelings/Discord/ancient gods conflict that feels contrived to tie tightly into Equestrian history, when in SciFi setting you generally expect Equestria to be a unique but unrelated planet. At the same time, this causes Twilight's importance to plummet, and it's not clear why we need to know this; it's still the alliance vs the Dridune and I see no reason knowing their origin story matters at this stage.
That's probably my biggest gripe: What does thus Tyranny stuff matter? If there was no secret ancient society to stop him the story could still progress with the Equestrian's trying to change the tide of the war; we already had a much more interesting reason to think the ponies were important, as shown by Twilight undoing the mind control.
3033896 Thanks man. Like I said, I went back to it, and realized that this chapter was complete garbage. Suppose I'm going to have to toss it out and rewrite it completely.
3033896 I guess all I really needed was someone to tell me that it was crap, because I really couldn't figure it out just looking at it myself.
I'll be a bit blunt right now, don't take it personally: I simply can't take that particular story seriously at all. It wouldn't even matter to me how you write it. "Lord Tyranny" is the second-worst name for a villain I've ever seen, right after Stephen Donaldson's "Lord Foul" and "Drool Rockspittle." It's just too corny for me to read as anything other than a kind of parody.
Over all it feels kinda rushed. What it feels like you should show, you tell instead (if that makes sense to you) Also then why would Twi have dreams from Tyranny's POV? Was that just a side effect of being near Dridune? The bit with Freedom and Discord is a bit confusing for me in particular for a couple reasons and feels a bit... contrived, like you were just trying to get him in there. I'll be honest I don't care so much for that portrayal of Discord either, but then again I'm a big softy. And if he had that much power that he could just instantly stop a galactic empire with a flick of his paw, how'd he get in such a sorry state or have any trouble taking over Freedom?
However the concept of the changeling's purpose isn't bad, though I don't get how they've continued to survive if they've immunized everyone so much.
BTW I haven't had the chance to read any edits you may have done recently to the story as a whole.
3034109 These are names bestowed by his victims, not his actual name. They're more like titles.
I rather like this take on Discord and the Changelings. It's an interesting re-imagining of them, and in particular gives the Changelings a purpose beyond "muhahaha evil". I think perhaps the main 'flaw' with this chapter is that it's basically pure exposition?
I see two things that I feel detract from the story.
The first is that the story is fragmenting. This has been a problem ever since Equestria became the stage. There are simply far too many perspectives and characters for the reader to identify or care about. Who's story are you trying to tell? Chrysalis'? Celestia's? Freedom's? Cadenza's? J'zalk's? Applebloom's? Hazalk's? Kurai's? Thunderhoof's? Petran's? Hale's?
For the past three chapters each of the listed characters has had a scene, then the story moves on. How can we care about these characters when we only see them for a few paragraphs then never again? And how about those of us who started reading this and got invested in Twilight's story. We haven't seen her in ages. I'm pretty sure she's not even a character in this story any more. You would think that someone would want to read a story about the war between Equestria and alien invaders, but that's not the case. People read fiction to follow a character. If there are no characters, or if we cannot care about them, then there is no real tale.
The second thing is that I think you are trying to tell the whole story at once. By attempting to feed everything to the reader beforehand, you are creating an info dump. It's better than most, but it's still just an info dump to try to catch the reader up to where you are in your head of what's going on.
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That gives it context, but it doesn't make the name sound any less silly.
3035128 "The Lidless Eye" sounds like the spokesbeing for Visine, but Sauron rolled with it. You don't give your enemies nice names.
Just think how Lord Foul the Despiser must feel.
I suspect that you've heard the issues. You are all over the place where perspectives are concerned, Twilight has vanished, and Crysalis' speech was a bit too much exposition.
I also suspect that you would like ideas on what to do. So, here's what I would do in your shoes.
I would finish your little diplomatic envoy arc and reign in most of the perspectives.
The origin speech needs to be cleaned up. I think the Tyranny Freedom duo should be renamed to reduce the silliness, chrysi should quickly get to the point, 'changelings were one of the original species that that Tyranny character enslaved and after that business with freedom and discord, they were given the purpose of being a threat meant to toughen up the ponies.'
Twilight needs to return to the active story. People seem to really want her there and I suspect that you'll cooperate simply because you are asking our opinions on this.
I think the most important thing to remember is that this is a fanfiction. You are allowed to make mistakes. Don't worry about comments saying, 'I will give you a downvote,' or, 'I can't take this seriously anymore.' These things are not constructive criticisms and should be ignored. Just do your best and keep an ear out for advice.
If you need to post things as they are in order to make progress then do it.
Also, the last chapter of the story is ch 20, yet you linked ch 22. I think I've missed something.
Actually, beyond a little polishing-up, rewriting a few redundant or repetitive phrases and such, this wasn't a bad chapter.
The entire story of Equestria is filled with mythology and ancient legends, and this chapter follows that trend. Beyond that, the idea of the changelings being a vaccine against the dridune is brilliant.
I have to say though, that the vaccine doesn't seem to be working perfectly. Twilight did overcome a powerful dridune, but she didn't do it with any great ease... And she is Twilight--the ultimate purple unicorn! How well would the average pony do in similar circumstances?
Still, the parallel between the changelings and vaccines against disease isn't ruined. Having developed some resistance to a disease doesn't mean one is completely unaffected by it.
When I finished pondering this, I decided to give this chapter a thumbs-up. I think it works. Huzzah!
3035290 3035076 Yeah, I know that Twilight has been taking a back seat lately, but I'm working to fix this. If you notice, this chapter's name is 22, not 21. This is a typo, as it is actually supposed to be called chapter 23.
You see, I've been working on two additional chapters that are quite Twilight-centric, and should have been part of the earlier chapters anyway, albiet added in more piecemeal-style rather than whole chapters by themselves.
Now, what I want to do is go back through the earlier chapters and add this new content to the already existing ones, but that would cause quite a few of my readers to completely miss the new content.
To be honest, the story needs help, and I'm trying my best to fix it. Any suggestions would be helpful at this point.
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My overall advice is right in line with PhiliChez. Rein in the perspective shifts and don't worry so much about the telling the back story. Pick a character to follow and concentrate on what is happening to that character right now. If there is a world changing event happening next door, don't shift things over to show us directly. Find a way for the protagonist to find out and show us that way.
And again, concentrate on the now. Having a well developed background is very important, but only show it when it impacts the character. And only in a way that does not interrupt the flow of the story.
3035565 That seems like a good way to go. Post the chapters, improve Chysi's speech, get things wound up for the big fight and kick some literary butt.
I do think that you are on the right track for, well, getting things back on track. You've made your decisions and now, whether they were good or bad, the only thing you can do is take the next step.
I suppose the only thing you really need to be concerned with now is the first TS chapter.
So here's my take, and the possibility is that many people have already made the points i'm going to make, but I need to say them:
1: You've really gotten away from the soul of what brought so many people to this story in the first place. it was originally a story about twilight escaping the dridune, hooking up with the alliance, and saving the world. not only are you drifting away from twilight, but you've increased the depths so much we're finding sharks in the kiddie pool. this no longer seems like the same story. If you wanted some really good backstory and history, you could've waited until a second book. my advice, keep it simple, but hinting at the greater depth and lushness of the story you want to tell throughout the first, than introduce it in full in book two.
2: The backstory itself is fine, except that you're kind of setting yourself up for a Deus Ex Machina or Non-Protagonist Resolver in Discord and/or the Changelings, and that could actually get you to lose readers. again, keep the focus of the story on Twilight. if you still want Chryssi's speech to happen, have it happen off screen, but keep the story on twilight, the captain, and the spy (whose names i can't remember because it has been so long since i've read a chapter with them in it.) The backstory makes sense, in a way, but i also feel it is a little contrived, and needs a lot of polish (for example: it seems like the changelings have been doing this for a long time, so why isn't everypony COMPLETELY immune to them by now?)
3: You need to stop being so hard on yourself. stop expecting this super high standard out of your stories. obviously, everyone hopes their stories do well, but your expectations are hindering the awesome creativity we are all familiar with. let a story be a story, you don't need this deep backstory for everything. sometimes a kidnap leads to war story should be just that.
4: it's not uncommon, or even unusual, for pony fics to have deeper messages and morals. i mean, just look at the TV show. it's geared around having morals and lessons in it's stories. but you need to stick to one. is this fic about agency? not judging? Magic? the dichotomy of good and evil? what!?! here's my advice; you need to set limits for yourself and try to stay within those limits. get an idea for where you want your story to be, what message you want to focus on, and stick to that progression. that way, the only thing you need to worry about is getting it on paper.
5: finally, don't beat yourself up so much and have a little more faith in your readers. we really are here to help you, and want you to write the best story you can. we're not going to abandon you, especially when you interact so faithfully with us and value our input so much. we appreciate the opportunity to help you. and in reality, you are doing a good job. your writing has improved significantly, your dailogue is showing more diversity, and your description has gotten better in the past several months especially. you've gotten very good at helping us feel the emotion of the situation, and that helps us get invested, which motivates us to help you even more.
You're doing good. you've got to go through the hard times and write the rough chapters before you can really spread your wings as a writer. just keep in mind the advice that your readers and peers have given you, and let your story write itself. just let it flow, kay?
It seems to me that the most important issues have already been explained so I no longer have much to add.
I can only remind you, because I talked about this before, to read as far as possible the books of Honor Harrington series by David Weber.
You will find there many similarities to your story and I believe that they will give you an idea of how to present events in your story